ups and downs so far.

So I’ve now hit 2,500kcals for four days and these four days have been a bit of a rollercoaster. But I am doing it – slowly but surely. I don’t feel like I’ve fully embraced all change yet and am still finding it difficult to push past 2,500kcal by much, I haven’t really got more than 10kcals over, which is silly really. I am hopeful that this will get easier though, and I can push myself further. Baby steps I guess.

Some pretty sad and pretty happy things have  happened so far in this stage of my journey, some of which I think might be related to eating more. Firstly, on Thursday it was me and the boys four-year anniversary! This in itself is a great thing – we’ve had so much stress and fractures over the past year so it’s pretty amazing we’ve got this far. Back in March, the boy broke up with me as he was just too upset and frustrated by my continual decline into anorexia. It was just too hard for him. Since then though, life has changed a lot. I’m actively involved with a treatment team now and taking steps to get better and I guess he can see it in me because slowly but surely we have been improving. He’s becoming more supportive and understanding of my issues, and I think I’m becoming more able to engage with him, though I still have a long way to go before I can engage with others consistently and in a non-disordered fashion. But it’s getting better, and recently it’s been getting nice. Four years is a scarily long time though considering I still feel pretty young, but he makes me happy and that’s all that matters right now. Our anniversary itself though was a bit of a non-event. We both kinda forgot – there’s just so much going on for both of us right now (he’s house hunting and starting new jobs etc.), so there wasn’t really much planning. I cannot function spontaneously, which meant that instead of having a nice romantic meal, I couldn’t handle it as the calories may have been unknown to me and I was so scared of overdoing it. This makes me sad as I missed an opportunity for the only cheesy, romantic date I think is acceptable in a year. I don’t want to let this happen again. We did see Drive though – it was absolutely brilliant. Fantastic soundtrack especially. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea – it’s horrible, it’s just so tense and gets more and more tense till it explodes into a crescendo of horrible-ness and ultra-violent. However, it was seriously aces (not much of a romantic film, but I tend to hate romantic films). This was a big deal to me though as we hardly ever go on proper dates, changing routines scares me. But we went on a date! Yuss!

On other news about the boy, he moved in on Tuesday (he’s looking for a new place and needed somewhere to stay). This was really terrifying as it was at the same time as shaking up the meal plan and I didn’t know how I’d cope with it all – too much change at once. We talked about it though and he was surprisingly receptive (I’m always scared he’ll just say it’s all too much and he doesn’t want to deal with it again). He’s trying so hard to be supportive. Sometimes he makes mistakes and is a little unhelpful, but no one can be helpful all the time as I’m just way too sensitive to things no one else notices, but he’s way more helpful than not (unlike last time he was here for a long time). So far so good. We even had another date (we saw Clockwork Orange at Theatre Royal East – bloody awful play. Completely cheesy and naff. So bad it was kinda hilarious, but not funny enough to make it good again).

The worst news this week is that it’s official – I have acne! Diagnosed and everything. I always used to have such clear skin so I think it might be recovery related. It’s all over my face and makes me want to see people even less than I already do. I’ve got some weird stuff to rub on it which will hopefully make it better, but I really didn’t need another reason to feel bad about eating more. The doctor thinks it’s to do with stress, a big change in diet and hormones beginning to come into action again. I guess this is positive but it makes me so self-conscious. Still, I did get to go to Lush with the mama and get some new cleansers and facemasks and moisturisers (mostly just free samples to see what works). I do not want hormones though – I’m so emotional at the moment and I didn’t need more uncomfortable hormone issues. I haven’t had unregulated hormones in years so I don’t even remember what it’s like. Scary stuff.

Also, I had a major freak out in Tesco the other day. Grocery shopping with the paps, I was trying to make a few higher calorie choices so that I could hit my targets more easily. Choice really bothers me. I spent ages looking at foods again and again, analysing their nutritional info and trying to make the “perfect” food choice. There were so many foods that I never let myself have and part of me wanted to get them all, but none of them seemed perfect. It was ridiculous. I just got more and more stressed – wanting everything and nothing. I got so panicked I had to go wait outside. My biggest calorie changes made were to get a rice pudding for one dessert and get hummus with 10 more calories in it per 100g than usual. A bit of a fail. Yesterday I went to Sainsbury’s though and I did make some new choices – I got a date oatie smoothie thing and a hazelnut yogurt. The yogurt is 40 more calories than my other yogurt and the smootie looks so nice, but liquid calories are really difficult for me. I know they seem pretty safe and healthy, but to me that was so huge. I brought some of the things I tend to look at then decide I can’t have. Again, baby steps.

Oh my gosh and yesterday I went to Cafe Nero and I ordered the most calorific cake there – the white and dark chocolate truffle cheesecake! Really tasty, but maybe a little too rich for me. I never ever do this sort of thing, but I’m actually proud about it. Sure it was entirely planned and fit into my 2,500kcal goals, but so much fat and sugar and really high G.I.! Massive deal for me and I did it. I could have chosen differently but I didn’t. I even had it with a caramel latte (sure skimmed milk and sugar-free syrup, but still – calories in liquid form!). I got really anxious that the barista was judging me, but that might just be paranoia. I always feel watched when I eat out, but that’s probably just me projecting what I do onto what other people do. Just because I watch strangers and judge their food choices doesn’t mean that’s normal and they do it to me.

So yeah, this is where I’m at right now. Lot’s of things changing it feels like, though it’s probably not much to other people. I don’t really know what parts of it are due to eating more and what aren’t. Changes are happening though so hopefully it’ll just get better. Got to stay hopeful.

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