stupidity and fear.

On Wednesday I ate something that really really scared me. It was the whole thing. I had a starbar with warm milk and a banana. All of these foods are fear foods for me and this made me really freak out. I’m struggling to up my eats now and am nowhere close to my target. I’m falling backwards and I’m scared. It’s really stupid to let this disease beat me back like this but it’s all I hear in my head. I started university today, which didn’t help things and I ended up having a minor panic attack in my seminar. I’m just really scared of change. I feel like things are moving forward to fast right now and I can’t keep up with it all. I don’t know what my life will become it I get better and I feel like I have no time to adjust. This is all pushing me backwards and now I’m sitting here hungry but not eating as I’m too scared of what that’ll mean. My b.m.i. doesn’t seem that low anymore so maybe I’ve done enough. I guess we’ll see what the dietician says on Tuesday. I don’t want to relapse but I feel the beginnings of one coming.

In my life right now everything is so timed – I’m supposed to eat 6 times a day, at specific intervals, I have so many appointments and I have so many rules. My life is so rigid. But the rules aren’t mine, and now my own rigidity seems to be clawing their way back. I’m scared of myself, don’t trust anything I think. I’m freaking out so much right now and I don’t even think I’m fighting. Hopefully I can get myself out of this. The world is foggy again. I find comfort in the fog though. I’m just lost and scared and am looking for the comfortable again. I don’t know what to do. Everything is so confussed. Fuck.



Filed under life, recovery, university

2 responses to “stupidity and fear.

  1. Oh man i get this alot. Its like you need to pace yourself or you end up back at square one… id say try and take things as they come, dont try to plan ahead too much. I tend to get myself so worked up about whats going on like a week away that i panic before i really need to. Now im trying to just take each day as it comes and only think one day ahead MAX. that way i dont overwhelm myself….. recovery is all-consuming, so i understand how u must have felt in your seminar, its almost like you have to squeeze some extra space in your head for other stuff. but just keep ploughing on, listen to the RIGHT rules, the ones that are there to try and keep the bad ones in check. I know they seem hard and rigid and provide more anxiety than comfort, but in the long run, they will help us more than the “quick-fixes” that ED offers….
    Good luck & have a good weekend

    • Part of the problem is that I’ve already planned ahead too much. I’ve got days worth of food planned and things to do each day. You’re right though, I’m always so panicked before an event, but it never ends up as bad as I imagine. I’ll try and not plan so much, maybe that’ll help. Thanks. Your right as well about the rules thing. I feel like my life is constantly dictated by rules set upon me from outside myself, even the ones I’ve created. It all seems beyond my control. I keep trying to get over all the bad rules at every meal, but I can’t always win right now. Everything is anxiety, but following disordered rules is just making me more anxious already. I need rules to function right now I guess, I just have to make sure I follow the helpful ones. Every meal is a battle inside now though.
      Thanks for your support. Hope you’re well x.

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