On Wednesday I ate something that really really scared me. It was the whole thing. I had a starbar with warm milk and a banana. All of these foods are fear foods for me and this made me really freak out. I’m struggling to up my eats now and am nowhere close to my target. I’m falling backwards and I’m scared. It’s really stupid to let this disease beat me back like this but it’s all I hear in my head. I started university today, which didn’t help things and I ended up having a minor panic attack in my seminar. I’m just really scared of change. I feel like things are moving forward to fast right now and I can’t keep up with it all. I don’t know what my life will become it I get better and I feel like I have no time to adjust. This is all pushing me backwards and now I’m sitting here hungry but not eating as I’m too scared of what that’ll mean. My b.m.i. doesn’t seem that low anymore so maybe I’ve done enough. I guess we’ll see what the dietician says on Tuesday. I don’t want to relapse but I feel the beginnings of one coming.
In my life right now everything is so timed – I’m supposed to eat 6 times a day, at specific intervals, I have so many appointments and I have so many rules. My life is so rigid. But the rules aren’t mine, and now my own rigidity seems to be clawing their way back. I’m scared of myself, don’t trust anything I think. I’m freaking out so much right now and I don’t even think I’m fighting. Hopefully I can get myself out of this. The world is foggy again. I find comfort in the fog though. I’m just lost and scared and am looking for the comfortable again. I don’t know what to do. Everything is so confussed. Fuck.