So for the third day now I’m going to be well beneath my calorie goal. I don’t think I’ve got much fight left right now. Everything is just way to much. It’s a Saturday night, the boy’s going out for his birthday and I’m staying home because I can’t see people and I can’t drink alcohol and I can’t mess up my schedueles. I feel like a failure. Failing him, failing my family and failing myself. Today, I’ve had 1,198kcals. Better than yesterday I suppose. But no where near 2,500.
This might not make sense but I hope it does. Things have been building for the past week or so. Everything is changing so much and it terrifies me beyond belief. It’s not just that I’ve been eating more or gaining weight (though they play a big part), but it’s also the types of food I’m eating and the fact that I have been eating by myself sometimes. The fam are beginning to trust that I’ll get better, as is the boy. But I don’t trust that I’ll get better, and the fact that others think it makes me feel like a fraud, like I was never really ill. I mean, I’m at such a high weight for me as well now. I’m not in any danger. I feel like a lie. And then there’s starting uni, which is a massive change for me. And the fact that I’m “unfit for work” and have to be put on employment support allowance. I feel like I’m lying to everyone about everything. I don’t like this new type of world I’m living in. I’m feeling more connected to reality and it scares me. I’m so used to living once removed. I’m scared of being better as it’s all so overwhelming right now. I just don’t feel like I’m really ill anymore and I don’t want further change into an uncomfortable world where all I feel is judged and embarassed. I’d rather stay cut off. It’s easier to live in a world where nothing really matters, nothing ever changes and all you care about is ultimately meaningless.
But I’m also scared of staying ill and getting worse. I’m scared of the damage I’m doing to my bones. I’m scared of the damage I’m doing to my fertility -I haven’t had a period in three years and I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that this was always weight related, so my bones and womb are probably really messed. I’m scared I’ll end up completely bald – I find clumps of my hair on the floor still. I’m scared I’ll never sleep right. I’m scared I’ll always be dependant. I’m scared I’ll never be able to sit down without it hurting and giving me pressure sores. I’m scared I’ll always be cold. I’m scared of my heart rate. But all of these things only matter if you have a life – if you make an impact. It doesn’t matter if I’m bald and can’t have children if I just sit on my own and that seems to be all I can do – all I want to do.
So I’m struggling and slipping back – cutting meals, dumping snacks. Constanly failing. If I eat too much – I’m failing at being small. If I don’t eat enough – I’m failing at being well.
One things for sure though – I never want my legs to touch. I hope this makes sense. I really don’t know what to do.
I’m a fucking disaster right now.