spiralling down again.

So for the third day now I’m going to be well beneath my calorie goal. I don’t think I’ve got much fight left right now. Everything is just way to much. It’s a Saturday night, the boy’s going out for his birthday and I’m staying home because I can’t see people and I can’t drink alcohol and I can’t mess up my schedueles. I feel like a failure. Failing him, failing my family and failing myself. Today, I’ve had 1,198kcals. Better than yesterday I suppose. But no where near 2,500.

This might not make sense but I hope it does. Things have been building for the past week or so. Everything is changing so much and it terrifies me beyond belief. It’s not just that I’ve been eating more or gaining weight (though they play a big part), but it’s also the types of food I’m eating and the fact that I have been eating by myself sometimes. The fam are beginning to trust that I’ll get better, as is the boy. But I don’t trust that I’ll get better, and the fact that others think it makes me feel like a fraud, like I was never really ill. I mean, I’m at such a high weight for me as well now. I’m not in any danger. I feel like a lie. And then there’s starting uni, which is a massive change for me. And the fact that I’m “unfit for work” and have to be put on employment support allowance. I feel like I’m lying to everyone about everything. I don’t like this new type of world I’m living in. I’m feeling more connected to reality and it scares me. I’m so used to living once removed. I’m scared of being better as it’s all so overwhelming right now. I just don’t feel like I’m really ill anymore and I don’t want further change into an uncomfortable world where all I feel is judged and embarassed. I’d rather stay cut off. It’s easier to live in a world where nothing really matters, nothing ever changes and all you care about is ultimately meaningless.

But I’m also scared of staying ill and getting worse. I’m scared of the damage I’m doing to my bones. I’m scared of the damage I’m doing to my fertility -I haven’t had a period in three years and I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that this was always weight related, so my bones and womb are probably really messed. I’m scared I’ll end up completely bald – I find clumps of my hair on the floor still. I’m scared I’ll never sleep right. I’m scared I’ll always be dependant. I’m scared I’ll never be able to sit down without it hurting and giving me pressure sores. I’m scared I’ll always be cold. I’m scared of my heart rate. But all of these things only matter if you have a life – if you make an impact. It doesn’t matter if I’m bald and can’t have children if I just sit on my own and that seems to be all I can do – all I want to do.

So I’m struggling and slipping back – cutting meals, dumping snacks. Constanly failing. If I eat too much – I’m failing at being small. If I don’t eat enough – I’m failing at being well.

One things for sure though – I never want my legs to touch. I hope this makes sense. I really don’t know what to do.

I’m a fucking disaster right now.

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4 Comments

Filed under life

4 responses to “spiralling down again.

  1. Mark Sinden (WordsmithMKUK on CC)

    Nothing succeeds like failure. Time to stop believing you are failing, but instead look at where you are succeeding. And aim for the healthy success.
    Think of the two conflicting requirements as having two bosses, and realise that you CANNOT please both. An old quote, but true – “”No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other.” Choose to love life, and despise your eating disorder. Then at least you are facing in the direction of success – and it’s always easier to walk forwards than backwards.

    • You’re right – living in limbo has got to be harder than either choice. It’s just one choice is unhealthy, but small and limited, thus comfortable and known. The other is health and all the big wide world can offer which is just so overwhelming. I’ve got to stop looking at it as scary possibilities. I think I need to narrow my range if you get me? It’s like I’m overloading. I have to just get to a few small, quantifiable positives within reaching distance rather than a whole load of possible failures that I see when I think about recovery. I want the small things back. If I concentrate on them then maybe I can find the reasons I wanted to recover in the first place. Right now they are lost in an overload. Going to have some productive journalling later. Life lived withtin the written word. Thank you x.

  2. Mark Sinden (WordsmithMKUK on CC)

    That’s a good way to look at it – look at the small things, the basic reasons you want life back.
    The simple pleasure of scrunching through autumn leaves and the energy to run in them and have a leaf fight.
    Standing watching the sunrise on a cold, crisp winter morning, and a mug of hot chocolate at breakfast.
    Walking through the spring woods, and watching a tiny wood mouse scamper across the leaves.
    Summer – blue skies, white clouds, the drone of a light aircraft, and birdsong.
    Curling up in a deep armchair with a good book.
    And laughter…friendship…the energy to debate a point heatedly, without tiring yourself.
    There’s a few reasons to start your list going. Life in all its wonder.

  3. I completely agree with Mark, you need to concentrate on the positives. Your previous posts have mentioned you are trying and eating foods now which were previously considered ‘unsafe’, this is a huge achievement. Other people may not realise how difficult it is to branch out from the things you are used to, and how deciding to chose something with a slightly higher calorie content can be such a massive challenge.

    Read back over your posts, and realise how far you have already come. The doubts you are having now are the exact same ones I have, so as the above comment says – focus on the positives.

    – You mentioned you like long walks – recovery will mean you can wander outside in the Winter and not feel like you’re freezing to death
    – You’ll be able to go out for a meal with your boyfriend, or your family, and not have to worry about what you’re eating
    – You can reconnect with friends and family who you’ve put at a distance
    – You’ll be stronger, emotionally and physically, and it will show in your personality

    There’s so much more to life than restriction. I know this, but like you, I need to persuade myself it’s the way forward.

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