“i killed my dinner with karate”

Honey and Peanut Butter Crumpets! - Get in!

Every Tuesday I have dietetic appointments. This makes Tuesday’s gloomy as they are weigh-in days. I spend all of Monday upset and stressed. I don’t eat breakfast on Tuesday’s as I don’t like the idea of being weighed with food in me. I hate the idea of my Sunday or Monday eating being at all unsafe as I don’t want it to affect my weight. It’s horrible and I become a nightmare to be around. After dramatically dropping my intake this past week I dramatically dropped in weight too. Part of me feels so relieved that I could do it, but a lot of me feels ashamed I guess. You wouldn’t think eating would be hard work, but my gosh its constant.

So yesterday, after what I guess was a disappointing weigh-in, I really kicked it up again and hit my targets! It was really really hard, and still is today. I keep crying and shaking and my thinking is all over the place, but I’m eating even though every bone in my body screams that this is wrong. The (new) dietician doesn’t think I should push myself again and to only stay with foods I’m comfortable with, so not too much chocolate bars and cakes, more nuts and granola and dried fruit. And I also get to ignore last weeks rule of halving my fibre intake for a bit which is a relief. Hopefully this week will be less upsetting.

So here’s the food killing day that got me back up to my targets (only just). I’m hoping that it’ll show how all-encompassing this meal plan is, and how much time and planning it takes. Also to show some of the progress I’ve made I guess. It’s sad though because it also highlights how my monumental are other people’s mundane.

Tofu and rice lunch - I really love tofu

Breakfast

So I didn’t really have breakfast till really late (generally it’s at 8am) because of my appointment. On my journey home I decided I have what I wanted most – peanut butter and honey crumpets. Obviously that isn’t enough though, so I had a black coffee and a little granola and yogurt pot with added blueberries. 447kcals so pretty much on target for breakfast, but as it was so late I missed my morning snack entirely.

Lunch

Lunch was tofu, spinach and mushroom stir fry with chilli and lime rice, followed by a raspberry layer activia yogurt with a fig and 10g walnuts mixed in and a peppermint tea. 489kcals. This is not really enough at lunch as it’s supposed to hit 600 but I was still feeling pretty nervous.

Costa eats - ginger bread-less latte, but it's so huge!

Afternoon snack

This was my weekly Costa so as I had so many calories to spare, I went all out and had a medium skinny latte (I asked for it to have gingerbread syrup but they forgot to put it in) and a piece of carrot cake. This was really tough though as the mama was so upset about what happened at the hospital and it made me feel so guilty that I naturally wanted to just get rid of it all. Even this huge snack only reached 629kcals though, which is less high than you’d think for a big cake.

Coconut Curry - Never thought I'd see the day again!

Dinner 

Chickpea, vegetable and coconut curry with a chapati. Dessert was a caramel ice-cream sundae and a peppermint tea. I never use coconut, but I needed to up the calories a bit. It’s really hard to even think of food that’s high calorie and I would be ok with eating, but I love cooking so this meal wasn’t so bad. Only 499kcals though so I still had loads to make up.

Bedtime Snack

I had super porridge for the first time in ages – porridge with semi skimmed milk, 1 1/2 figs, 5 chopped prunes, 15g pecans and half a tablespoon of honey all accompanied by chamomile, honey and vanilla tea. 436kcals so almost as big as my lunch and dinner. So tasty though, definitely my favourite type of food.

Total – 2,500kcals exactly. Not really embracing the change but at least I got there.

Having plans like this take so much time up though. Having to hit targets and eat at certain times with precision regularity. It makes it difficult to do anything other than this. Following this makes me feel pretty lonely and isolated. I hope that makes sense, and I hope that it makes me make a little more sense.

Super Porridge with a calming tea

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4 Comments

Filed under eats, recovery

4 responses to ““i killed my dinner with karate”

  1. PLEASE do every blog like this one with your whole day photographed it makes my mouth water and you truely are maagnificent cook mate!!i have my weigh-in tomorrow. do you ever panick before or not eat i never know whether eating will change my weight or not!.oh right you just said. my appiintments at 4pm though so if i starve all day i might go crazy. i will though.ikr, we must someday realise that doing this will not effect our weight we are only tricking ourselves and listening to ED, the change upwad on the scale is a victory but to us i know its a fear :( do you have blind weigh ins?.how many cals did you get when you dropped? eating is very hard work.

    after a few days the screaming will stop and you will comfortable again, you got used to it before so why not again?she told you NOT to eat chocolate? dieticians suck- post a topic on CC if you dont believe me. i had like more than 60g fibre today i think lmao- it dont make any diffference, though yours does guess.

    Si hope all your meal plans are like this! :D

    Tofu and rice lunch – I really love tofu too :P
    a bit more peanut butter next time eh? ;) love that you tried the combo out though!
    I would have taken the latte back lol.
    oooh i see now its supr porridge same as granola but with porridge>

    2500 is your minimum tagret so well done!!!!!

    your doing amazing, keep going and going!! xxxxx

    • Thankyou! I won’t do this for everyday but I was kinda holding myself to account if you get me.
      4pm is so late – I really hope you eat beforehand. I have early ones to see my weight before I eat, which I know is so disordered, but when I see my psychiatrist it’s always really late and I for that one. It’s stupid though, like I have to wear really like clothes and stuff. Basically, weigh-ins make me a bonfied crazy person. I don’t get blind weighed blind, I just can’t not know even though it only makes me feel worse.
      My calories went way down, like 800-1000 a day so really not good. I dropped almost 2kgs. Got to do better. And thankyou, it is really hard work and we deserve bloody applause lol.
      I’m hoping the screaming will stop. I see my psychologist tomorrow so hopefully that’ll help. I think my dietician is lovely, she only told me to take it slow this week really as eating a starbar and milk and banana trigger me really restricting and freaking out. I have to not do that. I eat so much fibre – sometimes up to 60g but the dietician told me it just makes me really more full so it’s way harder to eat more. Scary stuff but I’ve had white bread 3 times now!
      I can’t have too much peanut butter – calories and times of day and meal plans etc. It was supes tasty though. And I really should have taken it back – why didn’t I think to do that? Idiot girl.
      Thanks a lot. We’re getting there, and this is completely the right thing for us both x.

  2. I agree, the way you posted kindof soothed me… like everything was in order. is that weird?!?! i guess its the comfort of organisation around food. still it was very inspiring and that costa cake looked yum!

    well done for making your targets, even if it WAS a struggle, you did it and thats what counts :-)

    The weigh-in thing is something i do too… in fact i have therapy and weigh in this afternoon and i always hate that i will have both breakfast AND lunch in me… but i guess thats how normal bodies work and i have to accept that! i will NOT restrict, thankyou for giving me that motivation to keep going!

    • Thank you! Everything is difficult right now so it’s nice to have some reassurance. The cake was really really good. Sure I had to plan it to fit it in but it was worth it.
      It’s really weird that organisation around food is comforting. It is for me too! Strange personality traits we all have. Makes sense though as organisation and planning are so soothing in general (which sounds so wrong as I write it, but it’s definately true) so it makes the food stuff easier. And the weigh in thing is weird too. You are right though, it is normal to have food in you, so restricting before being weighed is really silly. How did yours go? Right direction?
      Hope it’s all going well for ou x.

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