Every Tuesday I have dietetic appointments. This makes Tuesday’s gloomy as they are weigh-in days. I spend all of Monday upset and stressed. I don’t eat breakfast on Tuesday’s as I don’t like the idea of being weighed with food in me. I hate the idea of my Sunday or Monday eating being at all unsafe as I don’t want it to affect my weight. It’s horrible and I become a nightmare to be around. After dramatically dropping my intake this past week I dramatically dropped in weight too. Part of me feels so relieved that I could do it, but a lot of me feels ashamed I guess. You wouldn’t think eating would be hard work, but my gosh its constant.
So yesterday, after what I guess was a disappointing weigh-in, I really kicked it up again and hit my targets! It was really really hard, and still is today. I keep crying and shaking and my thinking is all over the place, but I’m eating even though every bone in my body screams that this is wrong. The (new) dietician doesn’t think I should push myself again and to only stay with foods I’m comfortable with, so not too much chocolate bars and cakes, more nuts and granola and dried fruit. And I also get to ignore last weeks rule of halving my fibre intake for a bit which is a relief. Hopefully this week will be less upsetting.
So here’s the food killing day that got me back up to my targets (only just). I’m hoping that it’ll show how all-encompassing this meal plan is, and how much time and planning it takes. Also to show some of the progress I’ve made I guess. It’s sad though because it also highlights how my monumental are other people’s mundane.
So I didn’t really have breakfast till really late (generally it’s at 8am) because of my appointment. On my journey home I decided I have what I wanted most – peanut butter and honey crumpets. Obviously that isn’t enough though, so I had a black coffee and a little granola and yogurt pot with added blueberries. 447kcals so pretty much on target for breakfast, but as it was so late I missed my morning snack entirely.
Lunch was tofu, spinach and mushroom stir fry with chilli and lime rice, followed by a raspberry layer activia yogurt with a fig and 10g walnuts mixed in and a peppermint tea. 489kcals. This is not really enough at lunch as it’s supposed to hit 600 but I was still feeling pretty nervous.
This was my weekly Costa so as I had so many calories to spare, I went all out and had a medium skinny latte (I asked for it to have gingerbread syrup but they forgot to put it in) and a piece of carrot cake. This was really tough though as the mama was so upset about what happened at the hospital and it made me feel so guilty that I naturally wanted to just get rid of it all. Even this huge snack only reached 629kcals though, which is less high than you’d think for a big cake.
Chickpea, vegetable and coconut curry with a chapati. Dessert was a caramel ice-cream sundae and a peppermint tea. I never use coconut, but I needed to up the calories a bit. It’s really hard to even think of food that’s high calorie and I would be ok with eating, but I love cooking so this meal wasn’t so bad. Only 499kcals though so I still had loads to make up.
I had super porridge for the first time in ages – porridge with semi skimmed milk, 1 1/2 figs, 5 chopped prunes, 15g pecans and half a tablespoon of honey all accompanied by chamomile, honey and vanilla tea. 436kcals so almost as big as my lunch and dinner. So tasty though, definitely my favourite type of food.
Total – 2,500kcals exactly. Not really embracing the change but at least I got there.
Having plans like this take so much time up though. Having to hit targets and eat at certain times with precision regularity. It makes it difficult to do anything other than this. Following this makes me feel pretty lonely and isolated. I hope that makes sense, and I hope that it makes me make a little more sense.