relapsing and realisations.

So I’ve been relapsing pretty badly. My calories dropped alarmingly and so did my weight. I managed to pull it back for a few days but it drastically dropped again. I had a really hard therapy session (which included a panic attack which was entirely embarrassing – I looked like such an idiot) and I went spiralling back down. I became a horrible person again – angry, crying, shaking, shouting, irritable, scared (and had a panic attack at uni again – ergh). And I’m really cold again, which is ridiculously annoying. It was quite warm today and everything, but my toes were numb. It’s really not fun.

But yesterday, I don’t know, something changed. After not eating all day, sitting alone at home crying and hungry – I went and made lunch. No one was home with me so no one was there to prompt me and give me permission to eat and eat along with to make sure I’m dong it ‘right’. It was really late  (four o’clock – hardly lunch time) and it took a long time to work up to it, but I did it. I had a whole serving of soup with a ciabatta roll (spread with one and a half servings of margarine!), a full fat yogurt and two servings of fruit! I know it might  not sound like a lot (and I know it wasn’t enough), but it wasn’t abnormally small or anything. It was just a normal lunch that I got for myself. I was full of guilt – “what’s the point in eating at all if no one else can see? Your not really sick if you eat when you don’t have to – you’re a fraud!” etc. – and spend the whole time making it shaking and crying, but I got through it and the only reason I did it was for me. Then for stupid disordered reasons I argued with the mama and decided I was awful and I wouldn’t eat again till the next day, which wasn’t helped by the fact that the mama just made dinner without telling me so I couldn’t prepare mine the way I wanted to and didn’t see how it was cooked so I couldn’t eat it. Again I was upset and angry for hours, hating the world and hating myself. But then I did it – I went and made myself dinner. Again, a small dinner, but a normal dinner (channa masala and pita bread).  Again. I did it alone and chose it without prompting or permission, though the boy gave ultimate support (lots of hugs and telling me I was doing the right thing). I had dinner for me. Nothing else played a part in my choice. I had dinner because I wanted to be better. And I did it again for my night-time snack.

Granted I didn’t get anywhere near my calorie target yesterday (though it was double the day before’s intake), but I think I made some progress. The psychologist told me that he thought I’d hit “a block” in my recovery and was becoming “stuck”. I think he was right – I wasn’t taking responsibility for my own recovery, I was just performing getting better for other people. I wasn’t even dealing with the idea of getting better. Every time no one was around at a meal or snack time it was a mini victory. Meals had become something I was scraping the lowest possible calories from whilst trying to make them look ‘normal’ to others. I may have been eating more, but in my head I was just thinking how much I wanted to get lower than my lowest weight and how I could get there without anyone noticing. I hadn’t committed to anything – I didn’t want to be better, I wanted to be worse. But then I realised – why do I even want this? Why do I want a lower bmi – my bmi is nowhere near healthy right now as it is, it doesn’t need to be lower. I felt like I needed to get sicker before I deserved to get well, which is just entirely ridiculous. It makes no sense at all and is entirely disordered, nonsensical thinking.

I’ve thought long and hard about it though, and I’m trying to commit now. I’ve asked my family to stop prompting me for meals now. I need to take responsibility for this as even if I make a healthy weight, if I still just resent it and want to be small, it’ll just happen again. There is no reason to get thinner before I deserve to get better – I deserve it now and it is only my anorexia telling me that, not my rational mind. I want to be better and healthier for me, not for anyone else. I’m taking responsibility for my own recovery and I will do this for myself. I’m aiming high – my bmi will reach 20/21+ and I will reach my body’s set point. So today, I got all my own meals for me and I went food shopping and got some tasty looking new foods to try. I am going to do this for me and no one else. Today has been the hardest day of this whole process – I’ve cried and had panic attacks and hated myself and am full of guilt – but I’m actually fighting. I’m not being passive, I’m really really trying and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’m aiming for a minimum of 2,000kcals today (maybe more) but intend to get back up to 2,500kcals tomorrow and then I want to keep it up. I’m going to take it meal at a time and get there, face my fears and anxiety and want this. I want to recover and if that means gaining weight, so be it.

But I am scared. What if I look hideous at a higher weight? I feel like I look normal right now and I don’t want to look fat. And my belly looks so bloated. I’m terrified I’ll look terrible. I hope this is the right choice. I desperately don’t want to be large. Do you think a bmi of 20/21 would be too large?

I want this though. I hope I don’t freak out. I really hate my body and I’m scared I’m only going to end up hating it more and being more depressed. At least I can hope the OCD tendencies life a little.

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6 Comments

Filed under eats, life, recovery

6 responses to “relapsing and realisations.

  1. so you were on 800-1000 calories for a week?! crap man.,. did you have a panick attack in front of people at uni? i normally run to the toilets or get put in a room.you arnt a horrible person again, it’s ED thats being horrible again and not keeping quiet :@ argh. omg coldness- after how lon? i was 2300, then 1120, 1500/1800, 2800 and today my hands were freezing and went white and the clouds and my nails turned blue. it was GROSSE and scary, and my legs have gone even worse on the joints which is motivation for us right?!

    Hurray for yesterday!. mmm that lunch sounds like a treat, not your usual fantasys though because you wernt feeling good, but good enough to get up and eat *hugs* ciabatta is the bomb- you should get a mozerella ball and sliced the whole thing , wack on ciabatta and toast it.well done for facing it after the bumpy ride, well done for eating it *grinning from cheek to cheek *oh poo, you fell afterwards? well make sure you let your mom know you need to make your dinner ALL THE TIME so that ED is not giving you an excuse of not eating again!. oh you did ake dinner- gooood! which boy lol? omg you had a night time snack too, im so proud of you for getting through that day!

    i think a lot of us get better for other people though i frequently question it . is all this talk about not having anyone round this week or beforehand?.omg i used to think like that, wanting to get worse and stuff. what is your bmi may i ask? oooooooh another huge conratulation on realising these ridiculous thought :D!
    yes you cant afford it to happen again hun nobody can. yes gaining weight is the hugggggge part of recovery and it scares me to death. we can do this together all of us. we can get our lifes back, our social lifes, and happy lives.

    no you dont end up large and disgusting its ED talking. cus when i was BMI 16.4 i thought i was fatter than i think i am now at 17.7 i think, so that just proves it!
    mm i hate my body too, but one of the techniques i learnt with my doctor is look at the evidence. listen and think what friends, family and professionals tell you. ask someone in public if they think you’re fat and i presume the response you’ll get is the opposite for sure, my dad did that to me once. stopped a random womean in the street saying i thought i was fat and her response was ‘ i think you’re not at all fat and really really anorexic, do you have problems with eating’ turns out she suffered with bulimia herself so i was lucky we stopped her and not a randomer! xxxx

    • Sometimes my calories dropped even lower. It was pretty awful, I know. Yeah, serious panic attacks at uni, and again this Friday (I tried to make a point in a seminar and started stumbling over everything and not making any sense – seriously looked like a fool, so then panicked and ran to the bathroom as soon as I thought it’d be less conspicuous).
      I really was a horrible person, but only because I was listening to this illness. I find that ED makes me say things and believe things that I’m ashamed of – and when the starved mindset kicks in it just gets worse and I become a proper bitch, seriously. It only took like 3/4 days to get properly freezing again. It’s ridiculous how cold you get isn’t it? It was just another day of everyone else being really quite warm and me huddled up in so many layers with my extremities numbing. My nails are blue all the time, so I have to hide it with nail varnish. Maybe soon they’ll pinken up again. You get joint pain too? I always get it in my the base of my spine and my pelvis, but I didn’t realise it was an ED thing till I restricted again and it just came back straight away. Definately motivation. I cannot wait till I am as warm as a normal person again.
      It went ok I think, yesterday was alright too, but today has been better. I am still aiming for 2,500kcals today so hopefully I’ll get there though I have been pretty much on panic stations all day – one of those days when the disorder just won’t stop screaming you know? Thanks though. I hate all cheeses so I’m not sure the mozerella is for me. Cheese is just so blergh – it smells off! How could it possibly taste nice?!? The boy is the boyfriend btw.
      In general, the fam or boy have to get me for every meal I eat. I will sit there knowing that its time for a snack or something and just won’t remind anyone and won’t eat till they tell me. And then everyone has to eat the same thing as me else I can’t eat at all. It just meant that essentially I was being forced into recovery, though I did ask them to do that. It did really help get me started with regular eating and stuff, but as of two days ago, I asked them to stop and they have. It was weird — I’d started to resent it all you know? I think we need to do it for oourselves. I’m not going to post my weight or b.m.i. at all as I often find those of other peoples really triggering when they are lower than mine and I don’t want to have that effect on others. Gaining weight is such a horrible thought though, but you are right – it has to be done and in the long run we’ll all be better for it. Scary times though, so it’s really good to have support.
      I know in some part of me that it won’t be too big, but at the same time, I feel like nobody I know is that big if you get me? I still feel like the biggest one in my friendship group and it makes me so anxious. The evidence thing I think I would find hard – my ED slants everything into a reason to be small. If it works for you though that’s great. The only ervidence that gets through to me is that I am statistically underweight. I still fit in my size 0 clothes (even though the jeans are definately now uncomfortable). I still have such and such a measurement. It’s all numbers and qunatifiable facts that get through to me, the opinions of others just fuel ED. Literally, one of the most grounding things is when I go off on one about my size and my therapist literally just says “but you are still underweight Ellie.” Then it kind of hits me that this is all ridiculous. Argh I hate this – it’s all so confussing to my stupid little head.
      That’s so weird about the woman you stopped though – that situation could have backfired so you were seriously lucky x.

  2. Sam

    I’m really excited to see that you are taking control and doing this for you. Every time you have doubts you should read this entry and believe in yourself.

    Don’t forget that people are here in times of panic.

    Love you. x

    • Trust me Samani, I would have called but you’re always working. One time I tried to call people because I was so freaked out and no one picked up, I called four people and everything, it was the most disheartening thing. Sometimes I think I want to talk to you though. Oh and I told the therapist about how great you are the other day btw (not out of nowhere, but for only good reasons). You should maybe come see me soon yes?
      And thank you – scary shit huh?
      Nuff luv bruda x.

  3. Sophs

    ellie for low fibre foods how about white crumpets? they’re pretty warming too and you can vary the amount depending on what else you’re planning to eat. or there are little toastable pancakes that could be good too? they taste really nice and are quite small so again could be possible to eat a few. i’m with you on that one lady, it does seem like lots of tasty food has fibre in it. how about freezing full smooth yoghurt too? could be a way to being eating ice cream, which could be good for low fibre diet and getting cals up.

    i’m so proud of you for going to get that meal yourself ellie. that’s amazing. the ciabatta also sounds fantastic xx

  4. Sophs

    sorry i meant begin eating ice cream not being xx

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