a long week…

This week has been strange. I’ve stuck to my calorie targets and followed what I’m supposed to do but my disordered thoughts are getting stronger. I’m fighting them right now but it can be difficult. On top of this, I don’t know if it’s related but life has suddenly become really complicated, which makes things hard I guess. It’s like suddenly all these things I never think about are just buzzing through my head all the time and I can’t stop them and they are making me so anxious and nervous and I get stomach butterflies. Only two things have helped this week – seeing the boy (he’s home now, though living in Peckham like an idiot) and a friendly phone call (I never speak to anyone). These things calmed me for a little while and sometimes I even got content, just to freak again and get caught up in all the complicated things that happen, have happened or will happen in my life and the lives of the people I love. Suddenly I feel like I’ve been missing life, but I’m not sure I want to get all this back. I enjoy the simplicity of not having anything to worry about except for meaningless numbers like calories and weights. It’s so much easier to think when there is nothing to think about except quantifiable figures. That world is only rights and wrongs, blacks and whites. Now there are shades. I don’t like shades very much. It’s all very scary.

On top of this, I feel like I’ve swollen like a balloon. I don’t even think it’s subjective. I think I’ve objectively swollen up. I suffer from serious bloating at the moment – so much so it just hurts all the time. It’s like my body is punishing me for eating at all, which just makes me want to cut back. I know logically this will get better if I am consistent with my goals, but I don’t know if I can be if it just keeps hurting. I get so round as well and get a proper preggers belly which just hurts to touch. I’ve even quit diet coke to make it better! Eating less fibre should help too as it’ll make me less full. It’s not good or at all attractive. I don’t even think it’s possible I could be underweight anymore, though I’ll have to wait till Thursday to find out. How much weight can you gain in a week eating 2,500kcals? Is it possible to gain like 10lb to a stone? Any answers will be really helpful right now – freaking out way too much. Ergh. My thighs still don’t touch though – thank god. That would send me over the edge.

Plus I don’t want to look bad. I know it’s really vain and shallow but I don’t. I’m supposed to be aiming for 130lbish – 9 st 6lb. At my height that’s a b.m.i. 20.9, which is supposed to be healthy and help prevent relapses and stuff. I don’t know though… Will that be bad? I don’t want to look bad. Some reassurance here would be good. I mean I feel I look good and healthy now even though I’m still below the anorexia weight mark of below b.m.i. 17.5 – I don’t want to look huge. Can anyone give me some objective perspective – Do I look like I need to gain weight? Would a b.m.i. of 20.9 be too high? Would I look too big then? I mean, no one I know weighs that much do they? But I am a little taller than most. Argh. Disorder all over my brain right now. Screaming at me that this isn’t good. Is a b.m.i. of 18.5 enough?

My new eating plan is difficult as well. I’m managing to keep up with it and get myself food, but I still can’t respond to hunger and still put off every meal as much as I can. I won’t eat because I’m hungry and if I get hungry it makes me want to eat less, so instead I sit there willing time to past so that I feel like I’ve done enough and can allow myself to eat. But at least I’m getting hungry sometimes, or recognising my hunger – which is new and good. Also, I’m warm. Seriously warm sometimes. Not obsessively so, but like a normal amount which for those of you that know me is ridiculous. Pre-disorder I was always cold and anorexia made me colder obvs. so being a normal temperature is completely unknown to me. I’m also getting night sweats, which are gross but mean that things are speeding up. These are signs of having a metabolism which would be ok I guess. I’d like a functioning metabolism, but anything that means I might be getting better scares me. And with the famo going away this week I’m not sure I can keep this all up – they’ll be no one watching.

So yeah, things this week have been pretty excruciating. I panic a lot. I spend a lot of time trying to pretend I don’t exist so that everything seems easier. Recovery is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life and it’s making me question so much. I don’t know. I just think today I really need some reassurance as to what’s right – what’s normal and healthy and good and the right thing to do. Everything feels a little wrong right now. Ergh.

Sorry for sounding like a needy idiot about this. Just don’t know what to think right now.

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3 Comments

Filed under general, life, recovery

3 responses to “a long week…

  1. and i will reply in a bit :)

  2. strange- normal you mean :D yeah the more we fight it, the stronger it gets, until we are a middle BMI of health.its so hard i know, but keep going scrunchy you’re doing smashing :D eeek butterflies i get that too! i suppose it is, maybe its cus ED can feel a defeat so decides to string up everything else to make you crazily angry ith it too? aw that call is so nice to hear. try relaxation, EAT MORE for a starter, and put on a few good DVD’s, pamper yourself with a hot bubble bath and do deep breathing. omg im the same, im scared about what will happen when i dont have ED any more, i cant even imagine it :S but that it tricking us to think we like it. list the pros and cons- i di it with my doctor, the disadvantages of having an ED short and long term is much a longer list than the advantages!.you ill pass the scariness, theres proof :)

    bloating- hey get some serious herbal tea down you then, you told me ;). no its not punishing you, its saying thank you for feeding me and im gonna let the food stay around a little longer in case you decide to starve me again. your digestive enzymes are screwed still remember?im judging you ARE underweight. still cus of the BMI. so dont get worried. no way is it possible to gain any REAL weight of 10lb- i talked to someone before who gained 17lb ater weight and cus of the short space of time and they knew it was water weight, carried on ith their recovery like they should! at least you have a gap between your legs,, some of us dont :S.this gap is worn away muscle scrunchy.

    NO BMI 20 is never bad, most people i know are 21 or above and perfectly slim and healthy.Below BMI 21, you are more likely to relapse ithin a yr..what BMI were you before you had an ED?18.5 is no ay near enough. ive been begging my doctor but he says that its not safe for us with ED, and i have to gain 8-10kg :/
    why are you putting off meals? if it helps have a load in the morning – i presume like me the morning is the only time you are properly hungry?.wow you’re warm- i think im arming up too! goodbye numb yellow fingers and blue nails! and the hunger is a sgn your metabolism is speeding up woo. i want night sweats- how do you get them- is it cus you slipped and boomed it back up, i dont get them, but i do sit in calss sometimes burning from my waist don to my feet?!
    you’ll get get there with me :D
    more food= higher metabolism= more energy burnt= less fat= more muscle= lean= slim and happy= you! xxxxx

    • Thank you bebs. I think a lot of it comes with realising why the ED was useful in the first place too. You suddenly get hit with al lthe things you use it to escape from. It is difficult, but I am keeping up with the eating. I still can’t really watch DVD’s over ED distractions. All I think about is what they are eating and what size the actors are. Urgh. I still can’t hack bubble baths either as I hate being able to see my body for that long. I like to hide it. I love face masks though, and hair treatments and pedicures and painting nails so I can do a lot of that. In fact, I already do lolz.
      It is near impossible to imagaine a world in which food and weight aren’t the be all and end all. I hope it is a trick. I’m starting to worry that it was really useful to me – blocked a lot of other stuff out. I did a pros and cons thing with my therapist (ish – I had to write 2 letters to my anorxia, one as if it was a friend and one as if it was an enemy). My friend letter was a lot longer than the enemy one… Jeez you seem to be so much more optimistic than me about all this. So much more positive. I wish I could find that fight in me. Still, going through the motions.
      I am drinking herbal tea! I always drink herbal tea. I know my enzymes are pretty much dead, but it’s getting better. I think a lot of it was water retention as my belly has gone down dramatically in the past few days. I know I shouldn’t like the gap between my legs. I know that’s just disordered thinking. It’s just I like my legs like this. If they touch…. I’ll just hate them. I’m fixated on them, they are a measure for the rest of my body. Again, urgh.
      I know I know I have to get my b.m.i. up. I just…. I don’t know. It’s all disordered reasons. I was way above that pre-ED so I should aim to get it a little higher. I was like b.m.i. of 23 or summin. Desperately don’t want to get back there though. I know though, I should just listen to my body, practice what I preach,
      I put off meals because I have a hard time justifying them. It’s like I have to earn it. If I have it early than I’ve failed because I gave in to food before I had to. If I put it off I get a little win as I’ve contolled myself and proved that I can go without. Another urgh.
      I am please about my metabolism though! It is so weird being warm. And hungry. Trust me you do not want night sweats. They are so so horrible and gross. Definately horrid.
      Hopefully more food with mean happy me. I’m worried I’ll only be sadder….
      Sorry if this is a downer. In a rough place right now x.

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