This week has been strange. I’ve stuck to my calorie targets and followed what I’m supposed to do but my disordered thoughts are getting stronger. I’m fighting them right now but it can be difficult. On top of this, I don’t know if it’s related but life has suddenly become really complicated, which makes things hard I guess. It’s like suddenly all these things I never think about are just buzzing through my head all the time and I can’t stop them and they are making me so anxious and nervous and I get stomach butterflies. Only two things have helped this week – seeing the boy (he’s home now, though living in Peckham like an idiot) and a friendly phone call (I never speak to anyone). These things calmed me for a little while and sometimes I even got content, just to freak again and get caught up in all the complicated things that happen, have happened or will happen in my life and the lives of the people I love. Suddenly I feel like I’ve been missing life, but I’m not sure I want to get all this back. I enjoy the simplicity of not having anything to worry about except for meaningless numbers like calories and weights. It’s so much easier to think when there is nothing to think about except quantifiable figures. That world is only rights and wrongs, blacks and whites. Now there are shades. I don’t like shades very much. It’s all very scary.
On top of this, I feel like I’ve swollen like a balloon. I don’t even think it’s subjective. I think I’ve objectively swollen up. I suffer from serious bloating at the moment – so much so it just hurts all the time. It’s like my body is punishing me for eating at all, which just makes me want to cut back. I know logically this will get better if I am consistent with my goals, but I don’t know if I can be if it just keeps hurting. I get so round as well and get a proper preggers belly which just hurts to touch. I’ve even quit diet coke to make it better! Eating less fibre should help too as it’ll make me less full. It’s not good or at all attractive. I don’t even think it’s possible I could be underweight anymore, though I’ll have to wait till Thursday to find out. How much weight can you gain in a week eating 2,500kcals? Is it possible to gain like 10lb to a stone? Any answers will be really helpful right now – freaking out way too much. Ergh. My thighs still don’t touch though – thank god. That would send me over the edge.
Plus I don’t want to look bad. I know it’s really vain and shallow but I don’t. I’m supposed to be aiming for 130lbish – 9 st 6lb. At my height that’s a b.m.i. 20.9, which is supposed to be healthy and help prevent relapses and stuff. I don’t know though… Will that be bad? I don’t want to look bad. Some reassurance here would be good. I mean I feel I look good and healthy now even though I’m still below the anorexia weight mark of below b.m.i. 17.5 – I don’t want to look huge. Can anyone give me some objective perspective – Do I look like I need to gain weight? Would a b.m.i. of 20.9 be too high? Would I look too big then? I mean, no one I know weighs that much do they? But I am a little taller than most. Argh. Disorder all over my brain right now. Screaming at me that this isn’t good. Is a b.m.i. of 18.5 enough?
My new eating plan is difficult as well. I’m managing to keep up with it and get myself food, but I still can’t respond to hunger and still put off every meal as much as I can. I won’t eat because I’m hungry and if I get hungry it makes me want to eat less, so instead I sit there willing time to past so that I feel like I’ve done enough and can allow myself to eat. But at least I’m getting hungry sometimes, or recognising my hunger – which is new and good. Also, I’m warm. Seriously warm sometimes. Not obsessively so, but like a normal amount which for those of you that know me is ridiculous. Pre-disorder I was always cold and anorexia made me colder obvs. so being a normal temperature is completely unknown to me. I’m also getting night sweats, which are gross but mean that things are speeding up. These are signs of having a metabolism which would be ok I guess. I’d like a functioning metabolism, but anything that means I might be getting better scares me. And with the famo going away this week I’m not sure I can keep this all up – they’ll be no one watching.
So yeah, things this week have been pretty excruciating. I panic a lot. I spend a lot of time trying to pretend I don’t exist so that everything seems easier. Recovery is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life and it’s making me question so much. I don’t know. I just think today I really need some reassurance as to what’s right – what’s normal and healthy and good and the right thing to do. Everything feels a little wrong right now. Ergh.
Sorry for sounding like a needy idiot about this. Just don’t know what to think right now.