the eats report #4.

So what’s been on the menu this week? Well lots of freezer food for starts. The famo freezers have reached fullness breaking point and it’s mostly my fault – I freeze everything so I don’t feel pressured to have too much at once. So this week has been a week of eating all the leftovers and half eaten loaves and various other nibbles. It’s been nice like this though as it’s meant I’ve had to concentrate on food a little less as it’s all decided for me if you know what I mean. So less choice anxiety which is always nice. I still think I’ve eaten well though with lots of tasty foods (though I’m lacking on the picture front a little so you’ll just have to trust me).

The best thing this week isn’t so much a food but a whole food group. Dairy! Although I still crave nuts, I’m craving dried fruit less and less and dairy has swept in to replace it at the top of my most desired food types. I think it’s my body saying “you’ve given me a lot of quick release, sugary energy, but I still need more fats and I really need a lot more calcium to fix your organs and bones” so I’m listening. I’ve had so much brilliant dairy stuff this week including possibly the best thing I’ve tasted in about a year. No joke, everyone should really try the M&S vanilla bean and maple syrup smoothie. It’s made with full fat yogurt so has that lovely sour-tinge that lovely dairy gives you, but it’s all sweet and vanillary too! Plus probiotic so totally good for you. Tons of healthy fats and vits and mins. All brilliant. The whole scenario in which I had it was ridiculous – I had 2 hospital appointments in one day so my eating times were a mess and I had to try to have a snack outside the house on my way to the second one. I couldn’t hack it as I thought people would judge me for such an extravagance, so thought I’d just have it in therapy. Then I realised whilst in the waiting room that it would seem like a display of eating (ridiculous I know) which I really didn’t want to do. After therapy it was 3pm and this was my morning snack so if I didn’t eat it on the way home, I would have just missed it and made lunch. It took an age but I finally built myself up to opening it on the overground platform and was freaking out all over the place. But – when I drank it, it was just too nice to even worry about it anymore. Sure I still felt judged but it wasn’t as important as how nice it was. I couldn’t believe I’d almost not had it. Sure disorder gave me hell to pay for enjoying it and being in public, but in the moment it was so good. I know this makes me sound weird but I think I’ve come to terms with the fact my relationship with food is entirely bizarre. So yeah, everyone should buy this smoothie.

Also, I’ve been mad craving lattes and hot chocolates and other milky drinks. I had the nicest hot chocolate this week – Montezuma no. 1 blend dark drinking chocolate (54% cocoa solids). It’s been gathering dust in my cupboard for so many months I can’t even count but I plucked up courage to try it and it was just lovely. It was rich and creamy and really comforting. I’d managed to convince myself that instant, diet hot chocolate was just as good as the real stuff. I was wrong. It was quite scary to eat this but I’m glad I did. I’ve only managed one mug so far though as it’s still difficult for me. I had two lattes this week as well – a hazelnut one and a caramel one (both with skim milk though which I know isn’t so hot) and they come in at 165kcals a cup. The hazelnut one was ok, but obviously the caramel one was better. The caramel one I even had at uni! With a Moma! breakfast pot (also really good – strawberry and banana, yogurt and oat thing – 305kcals of lovely dairy joy). I had food at uni! I never ever do this. I haven’t eaten at uni for like 3 years now as I hate working with food in me (I think it makes me more distracted), but it was my snack time and a break in lectures so I did what everyone else on my course does and got a snack! Not the most adventurous option (there is so much cake  there) but a huge step for me. And again, a ton of dairy.

And ice-cream (don’t worry Sophs I already got to this)! I have to have desserts after dinner (says the meal plan) so this has been my go to for the week. I’ve been having Carte D’or as it’s on deal in tesco at the moment. So far I’ve had their crema di mascarpone one and their caramel cinnamon waffle one, both of which are really nice. This week I got their macadamia night and rum and raisin, so we’ll see if they are good too. Not many people in the fam seem to like the cinnamon ice cream but I think it’s really good, but the mascarpone one is a hit with everyone. Plus it’s really useful to get ice-cream in the big tubs as I can measure out the right amount to fit into my calorie target meaning that I don’t freak out too much over portion sizes in the shop (I always worry things are too much or not enough). So that makes things easier. I swear me and dairy are rediscovering our lost friendship right now and it’s entirely worth it. And obvs. I’m still bang on the yogurt (though I’ve upgraded from activia to full fat yeo valley because it is definitely the nicest and most creamy).

Banana and raisin bran muffin loaded for all the calories

On the not so full of calcium front, there have been some other good foods. Soup for starters. I’ve been having some really good soup from the freezer this week as during the height of my disorder I had a soup phase and just made loads and loads and loads and froze it all. A lot of them are quite low-calorie (obvs.) but if I have them with bread and hummus followed by yogurt and fruit it makes a meal (unlike before when I had them just on their own and watered down). So pumpkin soup and veg soup and pea and mint soup. Basically soup lunches all the time, but its good. I make damn fine soup if I do say so myself. I’ve also been eating my home-baked muffins (I freeze them as well). They are low-calorie, low-fat and low sugar,  but high fibre (I know, but old habits die hard. I find it impossible to bake with all the yummy fats and sugars yet), so I have to load them up with yogurt and fruit and nuts but they are really really good. I’ve also finished off an old packet of tesco mexican bean burgers which were surprisingly tasty. Generally I just hate all the processed ready-made foods but these were a really nice treat and quite high calorie for me. Plus they make another excuse to have hummus. Still, way too high fibre for right now really. And I finished off some veggie sausages by making sausage rigattoni with fresh white pasta, spinach, cherry tomatoes and mushrooms. This meal was really really yummy actually. The sausages weren’t even that bad, though I still kind of hate fake meat. I even ate real meat this week though, and not just turkey, but beef! Granted, low-fat stir fry beef but still – beef! I had to add something to my standard three bean chilli to up it’s calories a bit as low-calorie cooking is a really issue for me. It tasted ok, but meat is still so difficult for me. Not sure if I have a taste for it yet as I didn’t have any for so long, but I re-found dairy so anything is possible;. It was a moral thing for sure, but also completely driven by my ED so now I get moral guilt and ED guilt from eating meat. Still – I can choose my tastes and morals when I’m healthy, right now I just have to not cut anything out of my diet. Plus it was the only day I hit my protein target so that was good I think. So yeah, cleared a lot out the freezer as you can see. I also had two biscuits this week – they were nice but I’m not sure I’m ready for biscuits.

Veggie sausage rigattoni – Surprisingly yum 

Lastly, I had crunchy nut clusters and can I just say – you know what Samani? They are actually really good. I was completely covered with guilt from them as they have like no nutritional bonuses to them, but they still tasted totally good. I had two bowls this week I liked them so much, and I didn’t even get any binge urges (the crunchy nut flakes have been a serious trigger food). To be honest, I don’t think I’ll have them again for a while as it was all a little much but I tried them and enjoyed them and I didn’t over do it. So that made me proud.

But when they were bad they were very very bad. The Dad, thinking he was doing the right thing, bought me weight watchers bread. He thought that seeing as I have small sliced bread and it was white that it would be the right thing. It is not and he was very silly to think it would be. It’s as thin as card and makes rubbish toast and breaks really easily. At 50kcals a slice it makes it even harder to hit my goals. Ergh. And seeing as I won’t throw food away, I now how a whole loaf to get through. I thought me and diet food had parted ways – only full fat, high calorie options for me now. I was wrong obviously. And it really isn’t good.

The only other bad food of the week was a blueberry muffin from Costa. I haven’t had a proper muffin with all the fat and sugar in such a long time. As many of you know I used to love the double chocolate ones so much. Thing is, for me they are the ultimate unhealthy food. I went through a phase of having like one a day and in that phase I gained so much weight I ended up overweight b.m.i. wise so although there were a lot more factors which contributed to that, muffins have become something I associate with unhealthy weight (I know right? I pin such ridiculous statements on my fear foods, when really, they are just foods and calories like everything else). So anyway, this was terrifying, and you know what? It was dry and plain and boring tasting. No joke. Not even worth the extreme stress.

Finally – I’m all out of belvita breakfast biscuits and oat-so-simple sachets!!! So glad they won’t be in my life anymore. Better things to come.

Otherwise, my eats were all pretty good really – if I do say so myself. Eating less fibre is rubbish though, but it should help get rid of the extreme bloat that causes so much pain.

This week my parents are away so I’m going to have a veggie-bonanza with all the grains and pulses and tofu you can imagine! So the suggestions I’m after if people have any ideas is still low fibre (really struggling with that), but also nice veggie treats (no fake meat allowed). And maybe some good dairy treats too seeing as I love it so. Also, I need more healthy fats and seeing as I find most fats terrifying this is quite hard fo me so any suggestions would be good. Oh and with hallowe’en coming some festively ghoulish treats would be good too. I did pumpkin soup and pumpkin muffins last year so any other ideas?

And to all you real life friends – does someone want to come to a coffee shop with me this week. Generally I go once a week with the mama but she won’t be here so I’d like some one to go with. It has to be a chain though as I can’t eat without knowing the calories (I know – I need to get over this but I just can’t yet). So if anyone is free, that would be really nice.



Filed under eats, recovery

4 responses to “the eats report #4.

  1. Ahh girl you are doing so well!!! I wish i could come join you for a coffee shop visit :-) Funnily enough that was on my list of targets from my therapist, but my mum is always too busy and i cant go on my own… still, its half term this week, so im gonna HAVE to drag someone along with me. I need to use this week to make some steps in the right direction instead of dragging my heels….
    Quick QN tho, im trying to cut back on exercise… what do you think is an acceptable level to be doing when still underweight? do you do anything? I feel like i want to STOP but then going for a walk helps relax me and ease my anxiety about eating… but then sometimes in ends up being ED driven and i need to “walk x amount” until i feel ok. what do you advise??

    • Thankyou. I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’m doing well. Definately get a coffee. How’s half term treating you? Lots of relaxing I hope, as well as some serious ED kicking.
      I don’t know about exercise really. It depends on your b.m.i. My psychaitrist told me that general walking is all you should do under 17.5 like going to the shops and stuff (as a general rule). However, she lets me do yoga. I used to do it 3/4 times a week but she said I have to cut back to 2, and they have to be an hour instead of an hour and a half. I had to argue to get this as yoga relaxes my mind a bit (but I know at least part of the reason why is because it still counts as exercise, plus it’s quite a long walk there and back… didn’t tell her this) and I still go for an hour and a half as that’s how long the classes are, but it’s a lot of lying down. And because I’m allowed to walk, I find reasons to every day. I’ve never been to the shop so many times a day in my life. I find it calms my eating anxiety too – like I’ve earned it a little.
      B.m.i. under 15 and you should be on bed rest.
      In all honesty, my advice would be to just stop. Sit with the anxiety of it all and have a crappy time because in the long run, the crappy time will lessen with practice and you’ll be able to enjoy walking more. Compulsive exercise is never healthy, even if it’s just light. I know that is isn’t healthy and I wish I could take my own advice. If we have the need to do it, really we should both just stop it completely. You shouldn’t have to justify eating and if, like me, you still are, than it’ll just be harder to find a healthy relationship with food. It’s just holding on to ED behaviours, all of which we should try to fight. Easier said than done – especially if like me you were doing a lot more, a lot heavier exercising before. Yet I still can’t sit down on the tube because that would be too lazy. I have to use the stairs and walk up escalators. And I find as many reasons to forget things around the house as possible so I can go and get them later.
      Maybe we should both spend a few days in bed not moving, hating ourselves and dealing with it till it goes away lolz. If only life was that simple

  2. Sophs

    so many things to respond to in that post. firstly cinnamon ice cream sounds completely fantastic- where do you get that from? i have to get some of that! i might even have to add some ellie-genius and add shop chopped nuts to that one. i love hagen daz strawberry cheesecake ice cream- so if you ever feel like trying a new one lovely let’s get on that one.

    for lattes at home how about:
    it’s very tasty and i’m sure with your cookery skills you could make it ellie style from fresh after a cheeky look at the ingredients.

    for veggie cooking at home- how about making your own falafel? i realise it’s high in fibre. but would be another excuse to eat lots of houmous and you could have it with bread/ ciabatta/ cous cous/ quinoa etc etc to make such a yummy meal. or these are pretty tasty too:
    i’ll have a think for more possibles. in this weather i seam to crave fajhitas all the time though- they’re not very adventurous though.

    i should be able to coffee too if you want to lovely. what day’s your coffee day? xx

    • Generally we go Monday, but that’s too late now. I can do tomorrow or thursday but friday I’m at uni.
      I will make those burgers. I love yotam ottolenghi’s food so much. And Dan Lepard. In fact, I love all the chefs in the guardian/observer. There food looks so nice.
      Chai lattes are easy stuff Sophie. It’s the coffee ones which are hard. You need an espresso machine for them to work, and obvs. loads of syrup.
      All your food suggestions are so high fibre though. You’re completely like me in your tastes. Do you realise how much fibre you must eat as well? I wish my diet was as simple as just what I liked. I don’t even know what I like. I feel like everything has to be nutritionally justified and basically that means that all low fibre foods are just a waste of eating as they have nothing going on. Argh. Do I even like grains? Or pulses? Argh.
      I make a mean veggie fajita. Mebs I’ll do that this week. Oh and chickpea tagine… Yums.

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