Tuesday’s post was so bleak wasn’t it? Jeez. So I thought I’d add some positive things too because there definitely are positive things about where I am right now. I’m not always such a storm cloud. Sometimes I can see the nice in my life too! It’s just hard, but everyone’s life is hard and I shouldn’t complain. Really I’ve had a pretty lucky life with a lot of good things – who am I to moan? Plus I don’t want to worry you lots.
So here’s a happy post about all the good things right now. In list form obvs. I like lists. And hopefully the exercise will make me feel brighter in myself too! This may end up supes cheesy and naff just so you know. You really don’t have to read. Maybe it’s mostly for myself. I don’t know.
The Happy List
- Sometimes – when the mood takes me (which is more often than not) – I listen to really angry ladies shout on my ipod and dance in the street. I used to do this all the time, but entirely stopped due to lack of energy and the fear of being robbed. It’s not always really angry music, but I’m mostly listening to things I used to love and a lot of that is quite angry. I don’t feel like I want to find new things right now but that’s another thing. But now, not only do I take my ipod out again, but I have so much energy that I dance about and look like an idiot and have more fun. Sure, it’s silly, but why walk when you can dance?
- Also, I like to dress up. I dress for the mood. Generally it’s pretty angry so lots of black eyeliner and parkas and massive boots, but sometimes I feel homey and it’s pretty dresses and rosy cheeks. Only a couple of months ago I wore anything that would cover me up. I still like baggy stuff, but it’s much more fun to dress to depict your mood – plus it warns people in advance.
- Lattes. Seriously, why did I never drink them? I know I’m dairy obsessed but still. I even wrote this in my journal today. With all the syrups. Just really good. I think I like cinnamon skinny lattes the best.
- Now I’m getting a little bit more used to it, energy is really good. I think most people don’t appreciate how great it is to feel energetic – I completely didn’t. I didn’t even notice I’d lost it till it started coming back. Now sometimes I go really fast just because I can and it’s easy. Lots of running around the house instead of snail pacing everywhere. And dancing obviously. I think everyone should appreciate energy more.
- My body is getting healthier. I might not love the way I look or anything but I really like how I’m warm and my heart rate is up and my bloods are stabilising and my digestion is beginning to work and my hair is starting to get softer (though it still falls out) and my skin is brighter. The human body is seriously amazing and it does so much stuff if you let it. I know this sounds silly but I’ve put my body through a lot and feeling different bits of you come back to life is absolutely bizarre but it makes you realise just how well we evolved.
- Obviously, food.
- The fact that autumn is finally here. It’s now acceptable to wear wooly hats and lots of layers and gloves and nice coats and all the things I love. And my obsessive need to have a hot water bottle every night seems less weird. And the world is beautiful in autumn. I even love the rain. Autumn is the number one season I think. Crispy leaves, crispy skies.
- The few people I’ve started to tentatively talk to again. I love you all very much. Nuff said.
- Me and the boy are getting happier. Closer again. Comfortable. He can see the difference in me. He tells me I’m beautiful and I believe he actually thinks that. He tells me I’ll look better bigger and I believe he thinks that too. It’s nice. Cheesy, but nice. Still, I don’t feel it’s stable yet and there are problems still. We’ll see. I’m not getting carried away – baby steps. Safety first.
- The other day the mama cried actual happy tears because of my progress. She is hormonal so it’s not a massive deal but when you’ve only seen sad tears, it’s good. And the dad whooped and cheered and applauded down the phone (they are still in Venice). They got kicked out the museum for making a scene lolz.
- And the thing is, I am making actual progress. My weight gain is back on track, my attitudes about my diet and weight are rationalizing, my head is always busy rather than a void of only calories and kilograms. Even the dietician congratulated me and told me how good I was doing. Oh, and I decided I love the new dietician as well, which makes things better.
- Every now and then, just in moments here and there, I’m happy. Not the hills are alive but happy. Sometimes I smile and I mean it.
So here’s my absolutely naff, cheesy post. Things are really tough, yes, but there are good things going on right now. And some of it (albeit not much) isn’t even about recovery, because there are other things too. That’s another happy thing – there are other things now. Sorry for being a lamo, just thought I needed to get out of the emo pit of despair in this blog. I really do not want an “I’m so miserable, life is so hard” blog. It’s not me and I don’t like it. So I guess sorry for both posts.
But now, I snack and then nap. Insomnia is back and I’m struggling to keep awake.
Lot’s of good eating this week. I feel the report might be really long….