bringing back the positivity.

Tuesday’s post was so bleak wasn’t it? Jeez. So I thought I’d add some positive things too because there definitely are positive things about where I am right now. I’m not always such a storm cloud. Sometimes I can see the nice in my life too! It’s just hard, but everyone’s life is hard and I shouldn’t complain. Really I’ve had a pretty lucky life with a lot of good things – who am I to moan? Plus I don’t want to worry you lots.

So here’s a happy post about all the good things right now. In list form obvs. I like lists. And hopefully the exercise will make me feel brighter in myself too! This may end up supes cheesy and naff just so you know. You really don’t have to read. Maybe it’s mostly for myself. I don’t know.

The Happy List

  • Sometimes – when the mood takes me (which is more often than not) – I listen to really angry ladies shout on my ipod and dance in the street. I used to do this all the time, but entirely stopped due to lack of energy and the fear of being robbed. It’s not always really angry music, but I’m mostly listening to things I used to love and a lot of that is quite angry. I don’t feel like I want to find new things right now but that’s another thing. But now, not only do I take my ipod out again, but I have so much energy that I dance about and look like an idiot and have more fun. Sure, it’s silly, but why walk when you can dance?
  • Also, I like to dress up. I dress for the mood. Generally it’s pretty angry so lots of black eyeliner and parkas and massive boots, but sometimes I feel homey and it’s pretty dresses and rosy cheeks. Only a couple of months ago I wore anything that would cover me up. I still like baggy stuff, but it’s much more fun to dress to depict your mood – plus it warns people in advance.
  • Lattes. Seriously, why did I never drink them? I know I’m dairy obsessed but still. I even wrote this in my journal today. With all the syrups. Just really good. I think I like cinnamon skinny lattes the best.
  • Now I’m getting a little bit more used to it, energy is really good. I think most people don’t appreciate how great it is to feel energetic – I completely didn’t. I didn’t even notice I’d lost it till it started coming back. Now sometimes I go really fast just because I can and it’s easy. Lots of running around the house instead of snail pacing everywhere. And dancing obviously. I think everyone should appreciate energy more.
  • My body is getting healthier. I might not love the way I look or anything but I really like how I’m warm and my heart rate is up and my bloods are stabilising and my digestion is beginning to work and my hair is starting to get softer (though it still falls out) and my skin is brighter. The human body is seriously amazing and it does so much stuff if you let it. I know this sounds silly but I’ve put my body through a lot and feeling different bits of you come back to life is absolutely bizarre but it makes you realise just how well we evolved.
  • Obviously, food.
  • The fact that autumn is finally here. It’s now acceptable to wear wooly hats and lots of layers and gloves and nice coats and all the things I love. And my obsessive need to have a hot water bottle every night seems less weird. And the world is beautiful in autumn. I even love the rain. Autumn is the number one season I think. Crispy leaves, crispy skies.
  • The few people I’ve started to tentatively talk to again. I love you all very much. Nuff said.
  • Me and the boy are getting happier. Closer again. Comfortable. He can see the difference in me. He tells me I’m beautiful and I believe he actually thinks that. He tells me I’ll look better bigger and I believe he thinks that too. It’s nice. Cheesy, but nice. Still, I don’t feel it’s stable yet and there are problems still. We’ll see. I’m not getting carried away – baby steps. Safety first.
  • The other day the mama cried actual happy tears because of my progress. She is hormonal so it’s not a massive deal but when you’ve only seen sad tears, it’s good. And the dad whooped and cheered and applauded down the phone (they are still in Venice). They got kicked out the museum for making a scene lolz.
  • And the thing is, I am making actual progress. My weight gain is back on track, my attitudes about my diet and weight are rationalizing, my head is always busy rather than a void of only calories and kilograms. Even the dietician congratulated me and told me how good I was doing. Oh, and I decided I love the new dietician as well, which makes things better.
  • Every now and then, just in moments here and there, I’m happy. Not the hills are alive but happy. Sometimes I smile and I mean it.

So here’s my absolutely naff, cheesy post. Things are really tough, yes, but there are good things going on right now. And some of it (albeit not much) isn’t even about recovery, because there are other things too. That’s another happy thing – there are other things now. Sorry for being a lamo, just thought I needed to get out of the emo pit of despair in this blog. I really do not want an “I’m so miserable, life is so hard” blog. It’s not me and I don’t like it. So I guess sorry for both posts.

But now, I snack and then nap. Insomnia is back and I’m struggling to keep awake.

Lot’s of good eating this week. I feel the report might be really long….



Filed under life

4 responses to “bringing back the positivity.

  1. i never got round to commenting tuesdays post but yes it was bleak and a different scrunchy!
    hurrah for no more storm clouds.yes you DO worry me and i expect a lot of people. stay strong xx
    im readin your list haha- the doctor telles me to do an activity like this, i may do one on my blog too XD

    dancing by yourself is so fun right! though stop burning those calories off ;) it really helps- and have you ever sat and laughed at soething for ages by yoursdelf? something help us if anyone walks past our houses and peers through the windows at both these absurd time haha.
    good thinking with arning people in advance about your mood, but im pretty sure you look a lot pretty and cheerful in those bright clothe and rosy cheeks right?
    cinnamon lattes, gotta check that one out. but not skinny, bleurgh. low fat dairy is really bad for you, general not cus we’re gaining.
    im so happy you feel energetic for once emotionally and physically :)ahh the human body is amazing yes, Praise be to God!! :) wow you dont feel cold anymore, soon you wont have to paint thivk layers of nail varnish anymore ;)

    good you’re geting your relationships back on track too, i remember you feeling don about that once :/ xx
    your parents getting kicked out the mueseum is funny :D they must dead proud if we all are.
    ah see the caloriecounters, your parents and now your dietician! how about wake up every morning congratulating YOURSELF :). has she made you a ne plan or something? hows the lower fibre intake going- i reduced it a bit before and it reduces bloating too which makes me happy, so it should be working ith you too? no more crazy amount of herbal teas or anything, just less fibre :)
    thats lovely that you smile, the fact you wrote this is making me smile and i dont do it often either especially this week. though i watched idiot abroad 1 and Karl Pilkington is HILARIOUS and i find it awesome to atch i cant stop laughing nearly the whole way through the 7 episodes- if you’re out see if you can see the box set / dvd of series one. series 2 isnt really good its on atm, but series 1 is hilarious haha.
    do not be sorry. thats what epople are here for. to read the posts haha ;)

    cant wait for the eats report haha- could i please have that tofu burger recipe ? :) <3.

    • You definately should do a list too! I’m still stormy – all these emotions just getting really strong. Blergh. But it is really important to focus on the good stuff too! You should give it a go deffos, plus I’d like to see what you put.
      I duno, I like all the pretty clothes but right now I’m all about the angry. Lots of dark colours and dark lipstick and tight skirts with baggy t-shirts. It makes me feel, I don’t know… Like stronger maybe. When I dress angry at the world, I walk like I’m angry and have purpose which makes me feel like I can tackle things. I don’t know. Weird isn’t it?
      Deffos get a cinnamon latte. I know I should have full fat but I just can’t yet and the skinny ones are like 165kcals so like 20 times better than a black americano. Plus they are just really really good. With the foam at the top and stuff.
      I think I’ll always wear nail varnish. It’s on my list of good things about the world (I have a lot of lists). But being warm is totally weird. I have always been really cold, even pre-ED. My famo call me lizard girl. Now I’m like the same temperature as everyone else and it’s entirely bizarre. I have never been this warm in my life. It’s good though as it means I’m not wearing three jumpers, a dress, 2 vests and 2 pairs of tights with 2 pairs of socks everytime I leave the house (really not unknown for me at this time of year). I wear just normal amount now.
      Not a new plan, just sticking with this at the moment because it’s working right now and I’m pretty mentally unstable. She congratulated me a lot but kept saying “I think you really need to see your psychologist” and “well you’ll be seeing your psychologist soon and we’ll go from there” – not so good. But she was really positive. I’ve been having a few fear foods here and there, eating by myself and stuff. So yeah, I am proud.
      I’ll have a look at those dvds. The boy seems to love Idiot Abroad – maybe I should give it a go.
      I’ll do the tofu one and the lentil bolognese one. I’ve got a page ready for recipes and stuff so I might start posting them. Just being lazy really but I want to start.
      Hope you’re well x.

  2. Mark Sinden (WordsmithMKUK on CC)

    THAT was a better post to read! Well done you! I hope the positives keep on coming – and it’s good to hear you’ve got some energy back. Just try not to burn ALL the extra calories off before your body can repair using them, ok?

  3. Haha, im with you on the angry dancing. I used to be into a lot of metal and grunge in my “youth” and i love to stick it on my pod and get shouty again, it reminds me that i AM still that person. i have a past and i have a future… but i also have a now. and i started to think i didnt, i thought i was just “here”… being, but not fully present. Now i try to remind myself everyday that i AM here, i am loved and i am not invisible, nor do i wish to be!

    YAY for increased positivity :-) you sound alot chirpier and i can relate… i went through a dit of a downer early in the week and i felt so crappy that i dont ever want to put myself through that again, cos it was almost ENTIRELY food/restriction related. not good….
    I had a fun day with the boy yesterday and had alot of the same feelings that you mentioned, i feel more comfortable, more relaxed… and therefore closer to him. it makes me feel happier and i know that it makes him so much happier too (cheeeeeese!!!! we are BAD arent we?!)

    anyways, im glad things are looking up for you and i am following your lead on the eating more. i saw my dietician on thurs and asked to move up a plan!!! (get me) so i intend to (tentatively) start working towards getting my metabolism up and running again. hopefully this will warm up the old body too, its getting wintery outside!!!

    anyways, i will try and write up a post on my blog today to update whats been going on, who knows… i might even include a little happy list of my own :-p

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