Right now I am not feeling too good. I got far too drunk last night and I don’t remember things and probably was an idiot. I apologise to all people who saw me in that state. I was a mess. Gah! Idiot girl. I should not drink. Ever. I was so drunk. I must have been a fool. The mama told me she had to take my shoes and socks off. Literally, I was terrible. I wanted to be drunk so I could talk to people. Now I feel like a dick. Story of my life.
Anyway, apart from alcohol, there has been a lot of food this week. I’ve been testing the water with my new meal plan and trying to listen to what my treatment team say a little. Apparently I really need to start eating on time, which I cannot seem to do at all. I don’t know why. Well I do know why but there are no good reasons. Honestly, I don’t know if I can write this because my head is spinning a little still. Not good. I apologise for my grammar and general lack of vocabulary. I don’t really go out all that much and I was so nervous. I drank myself into oblivion trying to get rid of the nerves. I did get rid of them, but replaced them with unusual levels of outrageous drunkeness and inappropriate loss of memory. I was most definitely awful. Gah! Never again. I’m supposed to be going to yoga today but honestly, I’m not sure my body can manage. I might just go to bed.
So food. At the beginning of the week I was still super nervous about my eating – trying desperately hard to not eat too much. I guess I’m still not eating too much, but at least I’m less nervous about it. There have been good things this week though. One being soy milk. I’ve been drinking unsweetened alrpo instead of dairy milk now for a few weeks but it is literally so good. I eat a lot of sweet things, and dairy milk often makes things quite sickly. Unsweetened soy on the other hand – nothing is too sweet then. It makes me feel superficially better as I don’t feel like I’m overloading on sugars, but also I actually really like it. I don’t know. It seems so creamy in comparison to dairy milk, and it tastes really nice. As you can see, my language skills are lacking today. Essentially, I like soy milk.
This week, I ate potatoes! Just once because I was feeling brave but I did. New potatoes boiled with a couple of cloves of garlic, which I then smushed into them with 1 tsp garlic infused olive oil and smashed up with chard and runner beans. I’m still pretty unsure of potatoes. There were so many! Two portions of potato is a lot and it make me feel kinda bloated, but I think it maybe tasted nice. No definitive answers right now. One things for sure though – I wasn’t hungry straight after eating them. I worry because they are high G.I. and I have this huge fear of being hungry then eating all the food and never being able to stop, so potatoes just seem rubbish as I think they’ll just spike my blood sugar levels and leave me craving sweets and carbs uncontrollably. Stupid reasoning I know but it’s kept me away from them. If I’m feeling up to it, I’m going to try eat some today as well, but I reserve the right to freak out at any point. Potatoes are literally the food I am most scared of – even though they are pretty low calorie for carbohydrates. Although I’m struggling to be enthusiastic about anything right now, it’s actually a pretty huge deal for me. Still not going near a jacket potato or roast potatoes anytime soon but new potatoes might be manageable. I like them better because they are smaller so I can weigh them out better and have more say on my portions. Broken logic as we all know.
I had my potatoes with coley as well. Considering that meat (including fish) makes me want to run and hide, I think this was a fairly successful meal. What can I say – I was feeling brave at the time. I coated the coley in garlic olive oil and chilli flakes and loads of black pepper then griddled it so it got all blacked and nice on the outside. Om nom nom. Still, this is scary for me so the whole meal was actually really difficult to eat. Plus it was huge. I hate eating that much food but I guess it was more normal sized than what I usually go for. I haven’t been that full for ages. Very tense meal.
I just realised that I lost my hoodie last night. Idiot idiot girl. How did I manage that? Well I know how – way too much alcohol that’s how.
Also, I went to Food for Thought! To celebrate the boys major employment successes, I actually took him out for dinner! I really like Food for Thought for pretty obvious reasons. Everything is veggie or vegan, it’s all pretty healthy, it’s really worthy food, the menu changes everyday so you never know exactly what you’ll get, it’s really cheap and quick, bring your own with no corkage charge and super tasty. It’s not exactly safe but it’s safer than a lot of other restaurants. I brough some crappy cheap wine and me and the boy had a dinner out. I had chilli tomato and bean soup with a huge chunk of bread followed by three-fruit crumble and natural yogurt, he had enchiladas, guacamole and chilli followed by fruit ‘scrunch’ (basically oats fried in oil and sugar, more whipped cream than seems physically possible and chunks of various fruits). It was lovely. At least the food was – the wine was awful (Jacobs Creek is cheap for a very good reason…). Still – I ate out with my boy and got to play the proud girlfriend and treat him. It made me happy, though I did get seriously uncomfortably full. Afterwards we went to Costa for peppermint tea and coffee and it was really nice. The whole evening was very much like a normal date. Sometimes I’m not the single worst girlfriend in the world. Sometimes I am ok, even if I do say so myself. I miss proper dates. We don’t have them often as I tend to freak out when my schedules change and I cannot plan efficiently. Plus I had a proper dessert! It’s been so long since I had pudding – generally I stick to ice-cream or yogurt. This was a rare and terrifying treat. Tasted so good though – no joke of a lie.
I’ve also had some coffee shop times this week. I got a chocolate and orange tart in Costa with my standard gingerbread latte this week. The tart was ok, but not as good as the sticky toffee muffin, but then what is? I think maybe it just wasn’t fresh enough or something. It’s not a recommended food – there is much nicer in Costa trust me. I also went to Caffe Nero yesterday for lunch and then afternoon snack. I had Tuscan bean soup with a ciabatta roll and a blueberry yogurt and granola pot for lunch. Apparently bean soup is something I can manage ok enough so seems to be my meal of choice out the house this week. Caffe Nero does the best food of all the coffee shops though (though I don’t include Starbucks in this because the whole famo boycott that chain and I haven’t eaten there in years – they’re pretty evil). It has such a wide selection and lots of healthier things and is really tasty and not too scary for me. As my snack I had a skinny sugar free caramel latte and an apple-cinnamon tart. The tart was seriously good. They heat it up and all the sugar on top caramelises and it literally tastes lovely. I whole-heartedly recommend the tart to everyone. I had a bit of a freak out about the latte. It’s kinda embarrassing… I thought the barista used regular milk and ended up making her make me a new one whilst watching her every move. I looked like a freak, but then again don’t I always. It was actually pretty upsetting. I wish I wasn’t a mental sometimes. seriously – who does that? It wouldn’t have even made that much of a difference. Gosh. I wish I wasn’t a loser.
CREAM CRACKERS! That’s something I’ve been eating a lot of this week. Who’d have thought it. I’ve always loved cream crackers – I used to have peanut butter cracker sandwiches for my lunch sometimes in school instead of bread and lunch was always better on those days. I’ve always loved crackers, but last time I ate them was during a binge/purge session so they have pretty negative connotations. At that point my body was craving fat so much that everything became a vehicle for butter, but obviously I couldn’t truly let myself eat them…. Really awful times. The binge/purge cycle ruined so many foods for me – PB&J, Classics bars (still haven’t had one in recovery yet – once you eat a whole multi-pack in 10 minutes they’re kinda ruined), so many cereals, hot cross buns, crunchy nut cornflakes, dairy milk, crisps, ryvitas, muller rice, bagels (another one I’m yet to try again), chocolate (especially chocolate – trust me when I say purging chocolate is the single worst thing ever. Plus eating 5 snickers in 5 minutes isn’t fun), bread etc. The list is pretty endless… Maybe one day I’ll post on this topic, but it’s still pretty hard. It makes me so ashamed because it is literally disgusting and some of the things I did to my body still really upset me. But anyway – this week I’ve been having crackers. 3 crackers counts as a carb portion so it I need an extra carb – crackers and peanut butter. They are really nice though – serious, though I’m guessing most of you know that already. Plus I no longer have the urge to dip them in butter and eat 10 in a row, so that’s good. Hopefully they’ll become comfortable again. I hate how many foods have been ruined by this illness.
My last two foods I’m going to do really quick because my head isn’t doing so well and I’m feeling really distressed and embarrassed… Chard – the boy got me some because he thought it was spinach but I think I was more happy it was chard. Chard is so lovely and it goes with all foods and it’s beautiful. Me and leaves get on quite well (expect for watercress – watercress is disgusting) so it’s always good to have some different leaves in my life. The last thing is mushroom burgers. I’m not really sure if they count as a protein…. probably not but that’s how I’m using them. They are seriously nice though. A mistake in planning meant that I had a dinner of mushroom burger with mushrooms on one day, but really it was quite nice because mushrooms are boom ting! I gots love for my veggies. They are especially good with GARLIC MAYONNAISE! I hate mayonnaise but in the spirit of adventure thought I could try this and it could be one of my fat portions. O my gosh garlic mayonnaise is unbelievably nice. It’s basically all fat, which is hard for me, but at 100kcals a tablespoon it can be really helpful. Plus it’s lovely. Maybe I don’t hate mayonnaise, but to be honest, I’m not even sure I’ve ever eaten plain mayonnaise so I wouldn’t know. All I can say is Tesco finest roasted garlic and black pepper mayonnaise is really good and everyone should eat it.
All my other eating this week has been pretty standard – lots of stir-fries and soups and salads and hummus and porridge and english muffins and fruit and vegetable and tofu and ice-cream. What can I say – I’m a creature of habit. I don’t think I’m going to go to yoga today. I might just go back to bed. I feel so guilty about it but honestly – how can I be expected to stand in a balance position right now? I’ll go tomorrow instead. Gah. Alcohol is rubbish. Never again….