so many things.

I’m really sorry – I’ve done a password protected post. There are things I just don’t want the real people in my life to know about right now. My treatment team knows all about them so it’s nothing to worry about or anything. I’m just too ashamed. I don’t think I could look at any of you again. I needed to get it out there though. Sometimes you need to just get things out to get control of them. I guess that’s why Samaritans exists. I’m sorry though. On this I need the anonymity in order to open up and be honest about it. I’m sorry. For anyone else, just leave your email and I can let you know the password.

There are a lot of things right now – both up and down. Feelings and emotions are hard and complicated and the boys going away so I’m going to lose my main home support for a while. Not helpful right now. Still – although my progress might not be very smooth right now, at least I’m being honest with my treatment team. I’m being referred to my local CMHT now though. My EDU are only able to really deal with the anorexia side of my problem and the therapist thinks that some of my other mental health difficulties need more intensive support than they can offer in my hospital. In his words – “I think we need to bring in another team.” Basically, although there are improvements in some aspects of my life, my mental wellbeing is really suffering. He thinks I need contact with a service which offers broader mental health support – community nurses, psychiatrists, out-of-hours contact numbers. He also thinks I should maybe take the olanzapine as it could help and things in his opinion seem to be getting worse. On top of this he thinks I should leave uni for a while as I’m just letting it reinforce my believes that I’m rubbish and a failure and an idiot. He thinks that maybe it would be better to go back to once I’m more stable. Right now I’m pretty volatile. We only touched on it briefly though – we’ll discuss it more next session. Friday – blergh. Things are difficult.

My eating habits are beginning to show dangerous signs again. Not drastically, but a little. Never eating more calories that the day before is ok if I can keep it above 2,000kcals a day. It’s not great, but it would be ok. However, if it keeps getting lower, it’ll be worrying. I’m lighter than I was last week. Not by much but I am. Hopefully its natural weight fluctuations and not actual weight loss. Right now I’m still underweight, but not critically so. It wouldn’t be too awful if I maintained here for a while whilst trying to get on top of everything else. As long as I don’t lose weight and keep eating above 2,000kcals a day I feel like it’s ok. It isn’t really but I just need to keep my head above water right now. Get some semblance of stability then push myself through.

Music is good though. I like my CDs and my recommended tracks. It only really works if I walk at the same time, or do something tactile like make things with my play dough. I need to engage more than one sense in order to calm myself down and ignore negative thoughts. It’s not processing them or dealing with them but right now ignoring them is all I have.

These are my top 5 feel good albums at this moment in time –

Dizzee Rascal – Stand Up Tall (obvs. – reminds me of youth and friends and where I live and laughing and slang)

Mystery Jets – Making Dens (too many festivals, the boy, dancing, gigs, feeling like I belong, happy times with friends and being young and impressionable)

Mr Hudson and the Library – A Tale of Two Cities (the boy and Bristol and London and coming home and travelling and long train journies and generally exciting times)

Chromeo – Fancy Footwork (because it is literally the most jokes album, I love dancing to it, I have no idea how I found it or who gave it to me, it’s silly and happy and reminds me of so many car journeys and cleaning and getting ready to go out and Yo Gabba Gabba)

Snoop – Doggystyle (for all the silly tunes and in jokes and country side driving to scenic villages with the boy and festivals and summer and spas and gin).

Sorry for my mysterious posting guys. I really really am. Some things need to be private though.

Hard times.

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4 Comments

Filed under life, recovery, university

4 responses to “so many things.

  1. hun, im so sorry to heat that things have got so muh harder of late. my email is clemmystar@yahoo.co.uk
    im here if you wanna vent, ok
    x

  2. Eve

    :( I’m sorry things seem to be slipping but honesty is good and you’ll get the help you need to get back up there and feeling better and ok.
    With the uni suggestion – again it is more important to get you feeling better and if uni is adding to you thoughts then it’s not helping and like you said
    ‘There’s always time for more learning, but it’ll only be worth it if your feeling ok in yourself.’
    Uni will always be there and it will be better as well if you’re feeling better about yourself. I keep having thoughts in my head about taking a year out just to help me get better.
    Will it not slip below 2000 calories if you’re eating below the day before eventually? Is it because of the new meal plan?
    xxx
    Oh and my email – littlemiss-eve@hotmail.co.uk
    xxx

    • If I keep it up, it will slip below 2,000, but I’m hoping to get on top of it before then. Try to get back up to the 2,200 minimum set by my dietician at least. It’s not so much the new meal plan, more the fact that I was given a lower minimum in order to add some range into my intake – but obviously minimums become maximums then you start thinking “Well it’s fine to eat a few calories less. It won’t make any difference” which leads to the next day being fine to eat slightly less again. And once it’s dropped it becomes excruciatingly hard to get back up. Painfully so. I know I need to though. Ergh. But with added stresses it gets even harder. I shouldn’t make excuses. I can and will do better. I hope.
      Hopefully everything will work out. Uni is a difficult thing to decide on. It’s the money thing that makes it worse. I can’t get another loan and I don’t recieve any income other than ESA so I really cannot afford to pay for any of it again really. I just don’t know what to do. Plus the standard line of “If I quit – it’s failing. If I defer I may as well never go back” a.k.a. cliched ED all or nothing thinking.
      Hmm.
      x.

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