I’m really sorry – I’ve done a password protected post. There are things I just don’t want the real people in my life to know about right now. My treatment team knows all about them so it’s nothing to worry about or anything. I’m just too ashamed. I don’t think I could look at any of you again. I needed to get it out there though. Sometimes you need to just get things out to get control of them. I guess that’s why Samaritans exists. I’m sorry though. On this I need the anonymity in order to open up and be honest about it. I’m sorry. For anyone else, just leave your email and I can let you know the password.
There are a lot of things right now – both up and down. Feelings and emotions are hard and complicated and the boys going away so I’m going to lose my main home support for a while. Not helpful right now. Still – although my progress might not be very smooth right now, at least I’m being honest with my treatment team. I’m being referred to my local CMHT now though. My EDU are only able to really deal with the anorexia side of my problem and the therapist thinks that some of my other mental health difficulties need more intensive support than they can offer in my hospital. In his words – “I think we need to bring in another team.” Basically, although there are improvements in some aspects of my life, my mental wellbeing is really suffering. He thinks I need contact with a service which offers broader mental health support – community nurses, psychiatrists, out-of-hours contact numbers. He also thinks I should maybe take the olanzapine as it could help and things in his opinion seem to be getting worse. On top of this he thinks I should leave uni for a while as I’m just letting it reinforce my believes that I’m rubbish and a failure and an idiot. He thinks that maybe it would be better to go back to once I’m more stable. Right now I’m pretty volatile. We only touched on it briefly though – we’ll discuss it more next session. Friday – blergh. Things are difficult.
My eating habits are beginning to show dangerous signs again. Not drastically, but a little. Never eating more calories that the day before is ok if I can keep it above 2,000kcals a day. It’s not great, but it would be ok. However, if it keeps getting lower, it’ll be worrying. I’m lighter than I was last week. Not by much but I am. Hopefully its natural weight fluctuations and not actual weight loss. Right now I’m still underweight, but not critically so. It wouldn’t be too awful if I maintained here for a while whilst trying to get on top of everything else. As long as I don’t lose weight and keep eating above 2,000kcals a day I feel like it’s ok. It isn’t really but I just need to keep my head above water right now. Get some semblance of stability then push myself through.
Music is good though. I like my CDs and my recommended tracks. It only really works if I walk at the same time, or do something tactile like make things with my play dough. I need to engage more than one sense in order to calm myself down and ignore negative thoughts. It’s not processing them or dealing with them but right now ignoring them is all I have.
These are my top 5 feel good albums at this moment in time –
Dizzee Rascal – Stand Up Tall (obvs. – reminds me of youth and friends and where I live and laughing and slang)
Mystery Jets – Making Dens (too many festivals, the boy, dancing, gigs, feeling like I belong, happy times with friends and being young and impressionable)
Mr Hudson and the Library – A Tale of Two Cities (the boy and Bristol and London and coming home and travelling and long train journies and generally exciting times)
Chromeo – Fancy Footwork (because it is literally the most jokes album, I love dancing to it, I have no idea how I found it or who gave it to me, it’s silly and happy and reminds me of so many car journeys and cleaning and getting ready to go out and Yo Gabba Gabba)
Snoop – Doggystyle (for all the silly tunes and in jokes and country side driving to scenic villages with the boy and festivals and summer and spas and gin).
Sorry for my mysterious posting guys. I really really am. Some things need to be private though.