Hello everybody! I hope you all had a very merry Christmas with lots of lovely times, lots of cheer and some good eating. We have officially entered the nothing space between Christmas and New Year now where there is absolutely nothing to do but sit it around and enjoy famo times. I really like the festive period so it’s been pretty nice. Lots of Christmas colouring, general body pampering and Frasier DVDs. Nothing wrong with that. I got some lovely pressies, gave some lovely pressies and now find myself at a bit of a loss of what to do. I guess tomorrow starts my normal life again – seeing the psychologist. Gah – but at least for today, I’m going to sit about some more. Hope everyone is having happy festive times!
I think that this Christmas was generally less crazy than last year, so I think I’ve made some progress. Last year was the year of exercise biking for hours every morning whilst simultaneously entering nutritional information from food packaging onto a calorie counting app on my phone. At that point I think it was obvious to most people that I was behaving slightly bizarrely. Everyone except me that is. Still, I did manage to “earn” Christmas day as an eat whatever I like day. Last year was the first year I had a proper Christmas dinner ever. No joke. And I had lots of chocolates and pudding and felt incredibly ill but I didn’t have guilt because I’d earnt it, so although the weeks before and after Christmas were definitely more bizarre, Christmas itself was probably less mental than this year.
This year, I’ve been lapsing slightly. I got it into my head about a month ago that it was possible that I’d reach my target weight just before Christmas and that would be rubbish as I wouldn’t be able to eat what I liked on the actual day. This led to me maintaining my weight for weeks, until I went to the puppet theatre. Me and the boy went to Ed’s Diner for dinner afterwards and I had chips and a chicken breast burger and half a portion of onion rings and a brownie with ice cream (All fear foods! I haven’t eaten any thing like this is so long. Whilst I was having it I was so proud of myself and so happy with the boy that I was just grinning. I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was doing so well! And it tasted so good! And it was normal! I had a burger and chips with my boy and that is entirely normal!) and even though I’d been restricting my food all day and had eaten no snacks, I still freaked out about the calories of it all and worried about Christmas weight gain and since then, I’ve started under eating more heavily. The prospect of two days over my maintenance amount in a week terrified me, especially as Christmas is full of unknowns and I was struggling to plan for it. At first, I just wanted to even out the calories so it averaged at my maintenance level, which I managed in two days, but then it was Christmas Eve so I knew alcohol would play a part in the evening so I under ate pretty drastically to make up for the maximum amount of alcohol I could possibly consume. Of course I didn’t consume 12 double vodkas so ended up under my target again. On Christmas I did hit my target I think, but not through comfortable, free eating. I halved my breakfast, didn’t have lunch, made my own Christmas dinner without any of the trimmings, measured out my panettone pudding and ice cream, had 4 chocolates and made up the rest of my calories in winter spiced fruit and nut mix (which is really really good obviously). I think I hit the top of my calorie range recommended by the dietician, so I restricted yesterday, much more heavily than I needed to average out to maintenance. Now I’m a bit lost at what to do. I wake up every morning and say “If I’m under X weight, then I’ll eat my maintenance amount. If not, I’ll restrict till I get there” Right now I’m half a pound heavier than I was three weeks ago and although I’m supposed to be gaining and although that really is pathetic amounts of weight to gain in that time period, I desperately don’t want any Christmas weight. Basically, I’m being an idiot. The only justifications are anorexia justifications and they really don’t justify anything.
I really should not weigh myself every day. You think I’d learn that indulging eating disordered behaviours only makes everything worse. Apparently I don’t though. Now I’m back to weighing every single thing that I eat, cutting things out of the meal plan, counting calories religiously, eating mostly safe foods, clock watching for when it’s appropriate for me to eat. Under eating and obsessing over numbers has made me more settled though, and I can at least concentrate on the T.V. now which I couldn’t when I was eating more. I’m less mentally anxious, but more physically tense. I don’t know. At least I know this isn’t ok. I’ve started to worry that maybe I won’t get better. The statistics aren’t great when it comes to eating disorders – less than half reach full, long-term recovery. This is my first real shot at it and it’s entirely possible that I won’t make it. I’ve just expected it to happen if I go through the motions but now I’m realising that I’m actually still pretty vulnerable to going backwards again. If I’m going to get well, I have to do better and get past this. Staying here isn’t going to help me in the long-term, even if it settles me now. It’ll only leave me in a more vulnerable position for longer, increasing the likelihood that I’ll get sicker again. I have to get my gain on. Not sure that I have the mental willpower right now though. Still, I didn’t weigh my peanut butter this morning in protest against my stupid eating disorder behaviours. No where near enough, but at least I’ve done one uncomfortable thing. Hopefully there’ll be more. Pandering to anorexia to make weight gain easier only makes it harder I think.
I think this might be on par with 2009 mental Christmas levels. At that point I was slightly lighter than I am now, restricting heavily at uni, eating normally at home and gaining some weight back, successfully hiding my completely broken relationship with food and eating from my family, at the gym more days than not and thinking I was completely fine. Hopefully this year I’m moving into healthier and happier rather than sicker and sadder though. I’ll count it as successful if I can make it through to New Year without any net weight loss and determined to continue gaining to my target. Christmas is stressful – lots of eating expectations, uncontrollable schedules, eating in front of others etc. Basically, I’ve been freaking out.
How were all your Christmases though? How did they compare to other years? Hopefully all good and well!
p.s. the title is the name of my favourite Christmas album. I’m not that angry at the world.
p.p.s. this is a formal apology for my absolutely outrageous drunkeness on Christmas Eve. It was intended and I’m quite glad I reached a state of not remembering but because I don’t remember, if I was awful and hideous – sorry. Also thank you Siblets for keeping hold of my Christmas jumper and generally looking after me. And Nat as well!