replying.

Basically, all my replies (both online and in textual form) were really very lovely and reassuring. Thank you. I realised when I was writing out replies that actually, I would just wind up being repetitive, so I thought I’d do a quick post.

I know entirely that it wouldn’t be a bad thing for me to gain that weight and that it most likely isn’t fat. And I know I’m actually being entirely dramatic which doesn’t help matters. Slowly but surely I’m dealing with it though. I got carried away and let disordered thoughts perpetuate mathematically laziness. I rounded up figures, I’ve counted it from my last weigh in figure to the number on my home scales (which always weigh me as more than my dietician’s scales). That was almost two weeks ago now, but due to obsessive weighing, I know that this time last week, I’d maintained. I’m just scared because the weight did jump up.

Then I woke up weighing a pound less than yesterday. Go figure.

So it’s actually not as dramatically as I thought. I got myself carried away with feeling rubbish and letting incredibly destructive thought processes take over for a little while. I think my gain over the past 12 days (since my last weigh in) is less than a kilo, which is actually pretty average.

But this morning, I didn’t have time to think about it this much as I was in a mad rush to get to therapy. I’d planned to have not enough time for breakfast or make up (read – “I’m so ugly and fat it doesn’t matter!!”), so ran around a lot so I could actually eat and look presentable and didn’t process the change in weight. When I got there, basically just sulked and was really stubborn today with the psychologist (read – “I was right! I want to leave treatment! I’m fat and ugly and rubbish and nothing you can say can possibly make that any different. You all lied”). Totally unproductive. Now I have thought about it more, I guess I was probably being a little over dramatic (read – A LOT over dramatic. Lots of “I’m so fat! I want to die!” No joke of a lie that is what my head kept repeatedly thinking. And at one point I flailed onto my bed because “What is the point of even trying to do anything?”).

Basically I’m a massive idiot. An incredibly dramatic, massive idiot. I think I may have reverted back to an angry at the world, off-kilter hormones thirteen year old.

So anyway, after reading comments when I got home, and actually thinking about how ridiculous this all is, I had a peanut butter kitkat chuncky because they’re back you know, and they are really good! I fancied a small rebellion against entirely over dramatic, stupid thoughts. Apparently, my brand of eating disorder is lord of the over statement. And you know what, I did eat fish and chips and they were bloody lovely. And I’d do it again. In fact, I did pretty fantastically all things considered. And you know, I am actually trying to gain weight (as much as my brain likes to forget that quite often) so what did I really expect? I was hoping that I’d have lost but why would I expect that?  And I don’t think I can possibly look noticeably bigger with that amount of weight gain so it’s all irrational silliness.

So I guess 24hour madness is exactly right. Huh.

And you know what else – the bezzie of all the many bezzies is coming over tonight for some post-relationship comfort and I am going to get incredibly drunk and I haven’t restricted my calories to accommodate for that.

Hopefully, this’ll work out to be a minor blip. Pack up the bags and move on.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “replying.

  1. “Basically I’m a massive idiot. An incredibly dramatic, massive idiot. ”

    Now: Try replacing the ‘I’ with ‘ED’ and read again. Out loud, preferably.

    How does that sound?
    (Although it’s easy sometimes, please, don’t get the two confused. Because they are not, I repeat; NOT, intercheangable)

    • I know I should do this, but I just can’t think that way naturally. It’s all just me. I really struggle to seperate it all out. I can see that it’s the ED part of me, but it’s still essentially me. I should actively do this more often probably because you are right actually. Hmm. x.

      • I stuggle with it as well. Especially on the shitty days. Sometimes my mom reminds me of having to seperate the two, and it helps to keep reminding yourself of it as well. Because really, think about it, they are two different people! You were there waaaay before ED took over, and you WILL be the one to take back over again

  2. Yay! That is an impressive turnaround from yesterday, go you :) Minor blips are more or less unavoidable – I freaked out SO many times over things which turned out to be pretty minor or explainable. What really matters is how you pick yourself up afterwards. Whoop :)

  3. :) is all I have to say.

    Oh, other than Peanut Butter Kit Kat Chunky? Absolute hero.

  4. G

    I feel like I should comment now ;-) but I also want to. I’ve only just checked your blog and read both yesterday’s & today’s posts in succession. I’d say, Other London Postgraduate Recovery-eress – today should count as a major victory – perfect execution of “the next right thing”…
    Take care

  5. Loving this attitude x1000! I think I’ve been through similar blips- days when I can’t stand the thought of eating ever again, but I don’t want to eat either. And they’re usually connected to unexplained weight gain that goes away again by itself. Anyway, I’m really glad you’ve pulled yourself out of it, well done! (And I think I might have to look out for those peanut butter kitkats- I absolutely loved peanut butter cups when I was little!)

    • Seriously thougth – get one of those kitkats. They have four limited edition ones at the moment and the one that gets the most votes stays forever. I bought 5 so far just incase they stop stocking them. And obviously I voted. I think the only serious competetor is the chocolate orange one (who wants white chocolate kitkats?) but peanut butter is definitely in with a shot :)

      Just saying lolz. x.

      • ARGH I really really want to try one but I just can’t do it. It’s like the Double Deckers, if they didn’t have numbers on I could eat one but it’s a stupid irrational mental block. I will buy one though to have when I’m feeling strong just in case the Peanut one isn’t the winner! Although I like the sound of the Orange one too. White Choc? Nah.

  6. Sam

    That was such an excellent sleepover, science drinking games may have to be a regular event, we can toast to every type of science.
    Thank you for being a wonderful friend and a fantastic host.
    Love you. x.

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