There is literally so much on my mind I think I’m about to explode.
None of it is food or exercise, but all of it makes food and exercise a problem.
“Panicking? Miss a snack and go for a walk with music blaring really loudly in your ears.”
“Uni work? Well you kinda want a new nose ring – why not walk to Walthamstow to pick one up. You can even dance home!”
Today I have walked for three hours. Fuck’s sake Ellie. Which meant I was conveniently out over a meal time. Same yesterday, Saturday, Friday….
Multiple walks a day. Big walks, little walks. Yes it is a stress-buster. It helps me mitigate the physical effects of anxiety and panic whilst giving me a change of scenery and a little thinking space. But I think this is getting a little extreme. Especially as my sleeping has just gone to shit all over again. Walking really helps me not engage in other destructive behaviours because I can stamp and jump and punch my thighs as I go to physically unravel in a less dangerous way. But it is getting to the point where it could sabotage other aspects of my life.
No sleep, lots of walking, missing food, incredible confusion and stress, a lot of negative emotions. It’s a recipe for disaster. It makes me miss it. That feeling of empty whilst stomping about London. It’s a bit gross I know but I keep finding myself reminiscing about “that time I didn’t eat all day and went walking around for hours before my hair cut – I was so empty. My thoughts were so clear. I felt right.” etc. There are many examples. It’s actually really sick, but I can’t help it. Walking, and exercise more generally, on a starving body is something I can’t really describe, but I crave. It’s why I love running in the mornings – you can legitimately do it before breakfast. My brain makes some pretty hideous conclusions sometimes.
Honestly, what do people do when there minds are going one hundred miles a minute and they are freaking out? How do you cope when your body is reacting for you and tensing up all over, begging for some sort of relief?
I still think some things are going well. I’m making better food choices and have minimal food guilt and am eating regularly and most of my meal plan. I don’t think it’s that bad in general. I just cannot waste so much time walking and cannot justify missing bits here and there from my meal plan in the name of something definitely considered exercise.
Maybe I just need to talk. Sometimes I think I just need to talk things through with as many people as possible till the issues have run their course and I’m less in my own head. But I’m crap at talking because I never know who to ask and when. Maybe I just really need to see the psychologist. To be fair though, I think I need people who can be a little more judgemental than his job description allows. Real life people – see me soon!
Or maybe it’ll improve when the week is out. I have to meet with my study group tomorrow and have yet to really speak to anyone on my uni course so am shit scared. Plus I’m getting bone density scan anxiety (which is tomorrow). And family therapy this week. Plus a plethora of family celebration which will inevitably involve food are coming up in the next few weeks. Then there’s personal things coming to a head too. Urgh.
Someone just come and sit on me please. Just sit on me and don’t let me go anywhere. Multiple walks a day aren’t helping anyone. If I don’t walk, I’m home to eat and eating is fine.