walks.

There is literally so much on my mind I think I’m about to explode.

None of it is food or exercise, but all of it makes food and exercise a problem.

“Panicking? Miss a snack and go for a walk with music blaring really loudly in your ears.”

“Uni work? Well you kinda want a new nose ring – why not walk to Walthamstow to pick one up. You can even dance home!”

Today I have walked for three hours. Fuck’s sake Ellie. Which meant I was conveniently out over a meal time. Same yesterday, Saturday, Friday….

Multiple walks a day. Big walks, little walks. Yes it is a stress-buster. It helps me mitigate the physical effects of anxiety and panic whilst giving me a change of scenery and a little thinking space. But I think this is getting a little extreme. Especially as my sleeping has just gone to shit all over again. Walking really helps me not engage in other destructive behaviours because I can stamp and jump and punch my thighs as I go to physically unravel in a less dangerous way. But it is getting to the point where it could sabotage other aspects of my life.

No sleep, lots of walking, missing food, incredible confusion and stress, a lot of negative emotions. It’s a recipe for disaster.  It makes me miss it. That feeling of empty whilst stomping about London. It’s a bit gross I know but I keep finding myself reminiscing about “that time I didn’t eat all day and went walking around for hours before my hair cut – I was so empty. My thoughts were so clear. I felt right.” etc. There are many examples. It’s actually really sick, but I can’t help it. Walking, and exercise more generally, on a starving body is something I can’t really describe, but I crave. It’s why I love running in the mornings – you can legitimately do it before breakfast. My brain makes some pretty hideous conclusions sometimes.

Honestly, what do people do when there minds are going one hundred miles a minute and they are freaking out? How do you cope when your body is reacting for you and tensing up all over, begging for some sort of relief?

I still think some things are going well. I’m making better food choices and have minimal food guilt and am eating regularly and most of my meal plan. I don’t think it’s that bad in general. I just cannot waste so much time walking and cannot justify missing bits here and there from my meal plan in the name of something definitely considered exercise.

Maybe I just need to talk. Sometimes I think I just need to talk things through with as many people as possible till the issues have run their course and I’m less in my own head. But I’m crap at talking because I never know who to ask and when. Maybe I just really need to see the psychologist. To be fair though, I think I need people who can be a little more judgemental than his job description allows. Real life people – see me soon!

Or maybe it’ll improve when the week is out. I have to meet with my study group tomorrow and have yet to really speak to anyone on my uni course so am shit scared. Plus I’m getting bone density scan anxiety (which is tomorrow). And family therapy this week. Plus a plethora of family celebration which will inevitably involve food are coming up in the next few weeks. Then there’s personal things coming to a head too. Urgh.

Someone just come and sit on me please. Just sit on me and don’t let me go anywhere. Multiple walks a day aren’t helping anyone. If I don’t walk, I’m home to eat and eating is fine.

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5 Comments

Filed under exercise, life, rant, recovery

5 responses to “walks.

  1. You’re not regularly doing your mealplan if your skipping in order to walk. And you’re not sorta doing alright when you’re sleeping is crap again. It’s the alarmbells that need to start ringing now Ellie. Stop the walking. I so remember the days of Zombie-ing around, staring blank into the worl, empty stomach growling, big and speedy walks anywhere and everywhere. It’s not good. Not now. Don’t let ED chip back in! Kick back now it’s still relatively small. Kick back Ellie. Don’t let it become a routine. Don’t procrastrinate the kicking back ‘until next week’ or ’till things are calmer again’. It doesn’t work like that. I know you know it.
    Come on trooper, I know you’re strong enough to do this!

  2. Ah, that nirvana of peace when you have nothing but the pavement and your pounding soles to focus on. Sometimes i even find myself chanting in my head “1,2,3,4…” as i walk. I have nothing but the base movement of heel to toe, heel to toe to think about, i feel PURE.
    Yes, i understand what it feels like. and i get the pleasure you get from walking on empty, it feels good… but IT…IS…NOT…
    all this is going to do is increase your anxiety when it comes to cutting down on the walking again. missing meals is not going to help either, cos the inevitable will come where you DO have to make up those cals and et more/move less. by pushing yourself to get back to your FULL mealplan (and i mean FULL, no scrimps madam!) and occupying yourself with something other than walking… (uni work, GET ON IT!) you will find it easier to deal with the headspin. walking may ease the stuff in your head, but it wont take it away…. talk it out (or even write it out?) its a healthier solution.

  3. I love walking- but it can get out of hand. You need to remember to have a real life too- that means leaving enough time for uni work, seeing people and eating. When I was restricting and at the start of recovery I spent almost all my time walking, and my grades suffered as a result. Cutting back was horrible- I remember doing a lot of Sudoku puzzles to keep my mind off it! Uni stuff works too though.

    Good luck with the bone scan and the study group, and just remember that you can do this!

  4. the olanzapine should kick in after a month or so, how long you been having it for? ellie i am sorry i only have time to send you a quick message but think im in IP with the inability to move and walk 3 hours. it kills yes but tbh after a week my anxiety about having to walk round all the time has gone. things DO get easier. ive had an ed for 3-4 years and im young too so if i can you can no matter what age or length of time you’ve had it. rememeber we used excercise to relieve stress, so why not usse another method. would you like me to call you? we both know that when we do what ED wants our mind is clear most of the time, its like we’re normal again. in actual fact the thought is there so much we arnt fighting, its overtaking us, which is why we dont have bad thoughts, because we are being controlled. “I still think some things are going well. I’m making better food choices and have minimal food guilt and am eating regularly and most of my meal plan. ” thats brilliant ellie you are sooo strong :) xxxkeep going im here for you if you need me. the nurses here a very good to talk to and csw’s. if you need someone to talk to i can do that. how about every day at like 10pm you can call me, im never normally struggling at 10.normally. or like i can call you at 9? you have my number so text me.. xxxxxxxx miriam aka partyring

    • Sorry about not replying. I’ve been a bit of an internet recluse recently. Really big life stuff happening all around me and I’m just trying to keep myself going. It’s really tough at the moment and I’m going through a lot of personal, stuff. It’s hard though, and obviously ED always chimes in. I stopped taking the olanzapine. Didn’t like the fact that it basically stopped all socialising, plus the weight gain fear and the sleepiness and I just couldn’t.
      I wish I had other methods of relieving stress. It’s just so physical for me. All my muscles tense and my heart starts beating fast and heavy and I stop being able to think straight, then start to dissociate from the situation. So far I’ve only found physcial ways to control it. It’s a bastard. It really is. Do you have any tips?
      I know what you mean about clear minds. It’s so clear because it’s not fighting. Fighting is hard and distressing, complying just relieves that for a while. Only to make it ten times harder to fight again. It’s stupid I know. Walking is still a huge issue right now though, but I am consciously trying to up my food intake. Well done for pushing through it though. You must be doing so much work right now it’s unreal. So proud of you though! It’s so tough and you’re really fighting. Serious props to you!
      Hows about we do check in texts? 10 ish every night, we check in? Sometimes I’m really not up for talking, plus phone convos give me mad social anxiety. But check in texts sounds good? Which number are you on now?
      x.

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