“on the way to some planets that were outta sight!”

So I’ve been blog neglecting some more. I’ve been having a pretty stressed with my presentation (on Reproductive Labour in Gendered Development Projects if you’re interested. You’re probably not though). Not that it’s even part of my grade, but I still freaked out a whole load though. Standard. On top of this, I’ve had some major life stresses that are probably all too personal for an all too public blog. Especially as they don’t just involve me. Needless to say, my head has been entirely caught up in the busy world of stress, anxiety and blind panic for a while now. Sorry if I’ve been a neglectful commenter – I’m hoping to more about again. Guess we’ll see.

Now there’s going to be some numbers and generally freaking out in this post, so if you’re not a comfy number person, duck out here.

Lots has been happening though actually. Maybe I’ll go chronologically.

Firstly, it was the Mam’s birthday. Again, another famo celebration I let my eating disorder ruin a little for me, but not as much as it could have been. The hang over didn’t help much (I was waaay too fucked the night before. Mixing substances is always fun. At about three in the morning, me and my friends danced happy birthday to her, then we danced it in makaton and everything. It all got a little ridiculous and I didn’t end up in bed till about six am maybe? Did manage make up removal, piercing cleaning and full pajamas though so I think I was an ok amount of out of it. Not remembering parts probably means I was a little bit more than ok out of it, but I’m chosing to ignore that). I did manage a birthday lunch with her, but couldn’t hack the idea of a famo dinner and movie. Unknown calories and changes to routine just didn’t want to happen on that day. It made me pretty sad actually. Hopefully I’ll be in a better position to deal with it by the time the Dad’s birthday comes around. I’m not sure though. Everything seems to take longer than I hope.

This was quickly followed by my birthday. The big two-three. Urgh. I hate birthdays. Don’t get me wrong, I love presents, but I hate birthdays. Birthdays mean having to eat cake and changing routines and nice meals and organising being social and stress. The few days leading up to it I was utterly miserable. To me, they just feel like some sort of popularity contest where you have to prove how many people like you by getting them all in one place or having a lot of wall posts on facebook or something. I’ve got a lot of bezzies, but not all that many friends. And I hate looking unpopular. So I didn’t tell anyone about it and tried to pretend it wasn’t happening. Turns out everyone knew anyway, but it didn’t cheer me up really.

Saying all this though, I did manage a properly nang food day. I had lunch out (chicken tikka baguette and black forest gateaux!) and an Indian take away for dinner! This was a massive deal for me. Indian take away is food I’ve been purging since before I even identify myself as having an eating disorder. Many years earlier in fact. I’ve purged large, calorific meals for around nine years maybe (I duno, it never seemed like a thing until the recent binge/purge episode), but never out of guilt or fear or after something I considered a binge. More out of misguided desire to not get any bigger as I’ve always felt huge, but it was nothing like the purging that came with the fully formed eating disorder. Not in the slightest. And it didn’t linger on my mind or bother me in any way. It just wasn’t a thing that happened every few months and I didn’t think it was strange in any way. So indian food has been something I’ve been avoiding for fear of purging since the start of recovery. But I managed it! I had to half my food with the Mama, but there was a lot of it so I think that’s fine. Lamb dhansak, rice and half a naan. Sooo good. Followed by two segments of birthday bug cake for good measure (the Mama picked one which was in little individual segments so I wouldn’t worry about portion sizes. I love her for that. Very much). And absolutely no urge to purge. I just moved on and forgot about it over a naff pub quiz and a few drinks. It was hard to make the choice to eat it, but the eating, enjoying and dealing with it part were just a bit of a non-issue, which was really really nice. After all, it was my birthday. I didn’t want major stress and I didn’t get it.

Birthday Baguette!

Birthday Black Forest Gateaux!

Birthday Take Away!

Birthday Bug Cake!

What I did get was some serious pressies though! A shiny SLR camera (even though I’m notoriously rubbish at taking pictures) which I love so much it’s ridiculous. It’s basically with me at all times, even though it’s so huge and clunky. I’m taking a hella lot of pictures right now. And a blender! Now I can make smoothies! Anyone have any good recipes for blenders for me? I’ve never had a blender before – it’s super exciting (yes I know it’s a foodie thing, so possibly a little disordered of me, but still). And a build your own mobile solar system! And a necklace with a tiny harmonica on it you can play! And many other bits and bobs, but they’d probably bore you (standard – make up, clothes, bags, jewellery, DVDs, books, cosmetics etc.), Oh and a really good CD that made me so entirely happy. I think I might be a little bit in love with about eight people because they are just so unbelievably good to me. I don’t know how I managed to wind up knowing the people I do. I have seriously aces friends. I’ll never get how I deserve that :D.

All in all, the birthday was a bit of a misery anti-climax. I actually had an alright day.

Last week I got the results to a PTSD test I did for the psychologist. Apparently it’s something I really need to work on. I kinda think it’s slowly getting better on its own and I don’t need to spend valuable therapy time on it, but the therapist wants me to start tackling this issue. Which means talking about it – something I’ve been avoiding since the immediate aftermath of it all I think. And I’m shit scared by the whole idea. I don’t want to be forced to think about something I hate thinking about that wastes too much of my time as it is. And I do genuinely think it’s slowly clearing up of its own accord. I’m still avoidant, but much less so than I have been, I’m having less of the really distressing symptoms these days. Plus winter’s kinda ended so it’ll be less dark, which will make it all easier as the one thing I’m most scared of is being outside in the dark. And bikes, but there’ll always be bikes.

I also asked the therapist to start getting aggro on all this eating disorder shit. To which he replied “Well we’ll start by letting me weigh you.” Which got my defenses up. I honestly can’t understand why I need to be weighed more than I am already. I’m a pretty good weight right now, which is only going up and up so I’m not in any physical danger. Plus he has access to all my treatment notes so knows my weight. He thinks that I need to be less avoidant of it, but I do know my weight and although I don’t like it, I’m comfortable with it going up. I never really weighed myself before university and don’t really see why I have to start weighing myself more again. It doesn’t seem like a normal step to me. I hate being weighed. I really hate it. I hate my weight. I don’t think I have to like it though, I think I have to accept it, which I do. All of these arguments I make and he says are just “the eating disorder talking. It’s not what you really feel.” It is a little bit eating disorder talk yes, but it’s also rational I don’t want to be triggered by my weight or have to worry about it any more than I already do or freak out because it’s yet another person who I have to do something I find horrific in front of all of which make eating more difficult for me. I don’t really know what to do at this point. I don’t know if I’m right or wrong here and I’m not sure whether to take a stand about it or just let it happen and hate every second of it. I might just bowl up tomorrow and just get it done. Or I might just pretend that conversation never happened. I really really hate being weighed. Any opinions on this would be really useful.

On top of all of this other rubbish, I’ve upped my calories to 3,000 a day for the past week or so. It’s incredibly difficult, but I’m fed up of doing this so slowly and just want this done. I want to have some periods so bad so I can fix my bones and just give up on this gaining weight malarky and get to a point where I can start trying to move past this all. I still feel so stuck in this eating disorder as I’m still so stuck in food and eating and weight. I don’t want to be anymore, so I made the choice and upped the calories. I feel rubbish about it really. It makes me more anxious and more panicked and I think it led to some water retention as I feel all swollen up, though my weight hadn’t jumped as much as I’d thought at my dietetics appointment today. I’m now only 4kg away from my initial target weight and my bmi is up to 19.8. Yuss! 2.2kg in four weeks! That feels like a good amount of gain. I feel good about that actually. I may have to get to a higher weight than my target for the ever elusive periods to return, but until then, I’m not going to try my hardest not to worry about it too much. I’m not sure, but I think that at the start of uni, my bmi was around 23.5, so it might need to be that high again, but at the same time, I’m hoping it won’t. That’d mean a whole lot more weight gain. It will probably be require though – somehow, I still fit into size 6 (albeit much cosier) and I was always a 12 before all this began. I can’t see how anything less than a 10 could possible be a healthy size for my height. I am starting to get definite signs that my hormones are on the up and I’m getting general period excitement as I’m so hopeful. I literally cannot wait for the living hell that is the dreaded period to return. And as the dietician says, that could actually happen at any point now. Until that point, it’s 3,000kcals a day minimum. When I started all this back in June, I really thought I’d be weight restored by Christmas, then my birthday, and now I’m hoping for before Easter, otherwise we’ll be closing in n a year of gaining weight and that just seems like such a long time.

However, it’s not all good. Definitely not. My body image is horrific right now. I see myself and all I see is fat. It’s like a case around my body. It makes me cry. A lot. And hate what I’ve done to myself. I don’t look like me anymore. I look so so big. It’s really hard to get used to how big I’m getting. I haven’t been this big in years. I’m struggling with incessant urges to purge, invasive urges to self-injure and a marked upsurge in my desire to restrict. And exercise. Oh my gosh exercise. I’m just want to run. I keep having to force myself not to run every single morning (I even got as far as my doorstep on one occasion). And weight training. How I long for weight training. I mean seriously – who even really likes weight training? Apparently I do, but I’m pretty sure it’s a chore for most people. And gym classes – aerobics, step, power pump, boxercise. They all sound like heaven right now. Thankfully, none of that has got the better of me yet, but it’s all causing me to have to fight for this harder. It’s exhausting. Physically and mentally exhausting. Especially as I’m not really sleeping still (thank you God of Caffeine!). Personal stuff and uni stuff and treatment stuff are all a little overwhelming and I’m struggling to be ok, but somehow I’m managing to be (it feels like by the skin of my teeth). Right now, everything is painful, everything aches and I constantly feel like I’m going to be sick from stress and exhaustion and food.

And walking. It’s not really getting any better. I walk too much. I know I do. Many hours. Everyday. I do it to relieve so many different types of stress. Stress hits me physically like a tonne of bricks. I get all tightly wound and don’t know what to do to make it go away. The only things that work are physical things and of all of them, walking is the least destructive. I don’t know what else to do though. It feels like a vent that if I don’t vent, the pressure will build and worse will happen. I’m scared of what’ll happen if I don’t walk. Which is bad. I just don’t know what other options there are.

I literally cannot wait to be done with this all.

I feel like a planet I feel like a planet I feel like a planet. I’m huge and fat and ugly and horrible and everyone knows I’m rubbish and I’m stupid and I’m failing and I’m boring and I hate myself. It is most definitely not ok.

Constant noise I swear. Right now, the only thing that makes even a smidge better is listening to the B-52s really loud and dancing like an idiot (it involves a lot of jumping). I save them for really sour times so they don’t get wasted.



Filed under eats, life, recovery, university

9 responses to ““on the way to some planets that were outta sight!”

  1. Happy Birthday Ellie!!!! Wahooo, welcome to the big two three! (Hope yours will be better than mine ;)) Howcome it ended up feeling like a anti-climax misery? And I am WAY jealous of your SLR?!! Sounds like your fam and friends really took the effort to pick out some really good gifts for you, cuz, OBVIOUSLY!, you deserve it!

    The weighin thing, well… Maybe you’re right. Maybe you just gotta stick it out. Your psych isn’t your dietician, he’s not gonna tell you you should eat more of whatever after seeiing your weight. He’s your psych! He’s just doing this as a test, he probably doesn’t care about the weight iself (as long as its not dropping that is), he’s just making a point of the weigh-in itself. So, chin up and buffle through? You’d be damned it you’d let the damn scale get the best of you!!

    And girl, look at yourself SHINE in that picture!! I dont care what your EDbrain or EDmirror tell you; there’s no planet in that cuuute dress! You’re glowing and smiling and doing whatever dance/pose your doing and you look happy Ellie. Look at that picture. Don’t you think you look happy?

    Keep up the hard work. Up up with that BMI untill we bloody bleed again. And maybe some more. When I had my first period my mom wanted to buy a cake that announced it, I cried and was hella embaressed so she never did it, but I already made her promise she’s gonna do it now. Haha can you imagine the patisseur having to make the cake? A blood-red cake that announces I got my period? Oooooo I want it I want it now!

    Love, Sooz

    • Thank you! It feel so old doesn’t it? Anti-climax misery as in it was defos not as miserable as I assumed it would be. I did get nang gifts though. Serious.

      Thankfully, my psychologist didn’t weigh me today! Yuss! And I think he might not maybe. I’m hopeful. He didn’t mention it, so I brought it up right at the end when there was no possible time left to weigh me. He was deliberately ambguous about what happens next week though. I wanted a straight answer so I can prepare, but no. I just don’t get the whole thing really. Isn’t it better to be weighed less? That’s what I’ve been aiming for. Fingers crossed!

      Thank you. I know it’s a stupid pose – I have no idea what I’m doing. But it is a good dress I’ll give you that. Bloody awful glasses but hey. I do think I look happy though. Which is nice. I do see planetary features though.

      O my gosh I want a period cake lolz.


  2. Woooo, birthday success methinks (lets ignore the little slips) cos you did GOOD girl!!! and what a fab pressie stash :-)
    you are making massive strides with the 3000 intake, you are so close… this is a fight that you will look back on and know that you DID it. you deserve a hug and no, you are not a big fat planet… u are a slinky, strong, superstar. who by the way, rocks that new pic! seriously. you look so much healthier and happier. it makes me smile :-)

  3. Pfft. Now I feel rotten for not wishing you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY! That cake is adorable, it looks like fondant fancies! And an Indian Takeaway? I’m so so so proud of you! We have takeaways every week so I’m used to them but Indian Takeaways are my MAJOR fear too, I always turn into a miserable introverted horrible person when we have one. I can eat it in the restaurant but hate the takeaway for some disordered reason. So that is a really big achievement well done.

    With the weighing, I agree with you. Your weight it going up, you’re pushing yourself to get to 3000 (wow!) and I can see why knowing numbers makes you more anxious and can do more harm than good. I don’t know what to suggest really, I can see where he’s coming from in that you have to face facts – but you do just that at your other appointments. you said it yourself, you don’t have to like your weight, just accept it. And you do. I hope it’s not too stressful for you, let me know how it goes. I’d say fight your corner again and if he’s dead set on weighing you then suck it up and do it.

    Is the planet you’re talking about the same planet in that photo up there? ^^
    Aint no planets round here! Great picture.

    I’ll make a triple pact with you and Sooz, cake when the long awaited periods arrive! Haha. Don’t fancy explaining that one to my Dad and brother…

    You’re doing amazingly well, any tips on how to up intake to 3000? I’m struggling to hit 2500 on some days but others I’m exceeding, I need some ideas of staples to get it up EVERY day and not rely on eating 3 course meals out to do it, it’s getting very expensive!


    P.S Shackle your feet to the floor. Lock the door and hide the key. STOP. THE. WALKING!

    • The cake was really good. It was little bits of chocolate cake. I really really enjoyed it om nom. I think I had four pieces all together lolz. I wish I was more ok with take aways. I’m fine in restaurants these days, but I guess that’s because I never go to the same sort of restaurants I’d get take aways from. Take away food sends shivers I swear. But I did it and I liked it and I’m proud so thank you!

      I’m glad your on my side of the weighing front. Thankfully, I think he forgot today. I mentioned it right at the end, but then there was no time and he was ambiguous about what’ll happen next time and now I wish I hadn’t said anything as I’m just going to worry about it next week :(. I’m going to try stick to my principles.

      As far as 3000 calories goes – make high calorie choices all the time. There is literally no other way. And chocolate. Double the amount of oil you use, have a lot of sauces on your food, get the highest calorie options of everything you usually eat and just really go for it. At first, I didn’t, then made myself so sick feely on chocolate that I decided to make every meal high calorie. And it’s still hard! Seedy bread is good too. And nuts. Basically everything you think is too many calories all the time. It’s way harder than I thought – you don’t accidently eat 3000kcals on a normal day like I thought would happen. I thought it’d be all to easy and I’d get used to it. But it really isn’t that easy. It is good though. I;m beginning to get signs of hunger and I’ve gotten all warm again and I’ve got way more energy. Seriosuly go for it.

      I know I know. Walking is my achilles heel I swear :( x.

  4. Happy Birthday, and well done with the weight!

    This probably doesn’t help in the slightest, but I’m totally with you on the feeling constantly sick and the exercise envy. I’ve never been a runner but I want to be out cycling so so much at the moment. The nice weather doesn’t help! It’ll be worth it in the end though- reaching a healthy weight will make exercising much more rewarding and mean that your body will be able to build muscle etc much more effectively.

    It’s hard for me to believe now, but at one point I thought that I’d be weight restored by the summer before last. Ugh, that seems a long time ago now! I hate how much time I’ve wasted and the damage I must have done to my body- but I’ve learnt a lot in that time (mostly just that I don’t want to live that way!) So I guess it’s not really time wasted, just time not spent quite as well as it could have been. Again, it’ll be worth it in the end.

    Good luck with the 3000 calories a day. It sounds like you’re making the right decision.

    • Aww thanks! So many birthday wishes it’s silly.

      I’m actually pretty pleased about the gain you know. Which seems ridiculous, but it just means I’m finally getting there. I’m not at all comfortable with it, but I’m glad it’s happening. Does that make sense?

      Fingers crossed it’ll start raining all the time then the idea of walks/runs/cycling will seem a lot less inviting and we’ll want to stay curled up in fuzzy pajamas! It’ll just get us weight restored quicker then out of this mess. You are right though – on some level I’m kinda thankful I know just how rubbish it is to be small. I don’t see scary tiny people and assume they’re happy, confident and healthy and wish anymore. I think “oh my gosh I hope you’re ok. You’re probably having the worst time right now.” This whole process has changed my perspective entirely.


  5. justwanttolivemylife

    Happy Birthday! I hope you had a fantastic day! Your cake looks so goood- where did you get it from? Also all your birthday eats look super tasty!
    I’m sorry that your having a hard time with body image right now- I wish I could give you some help on how to conquer that one but unfortunately I’m in the same position as you at the moment so all I can say is I hope it gets better for the both of us very soon and we can finally move on with our lives!

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