Lots of things happened yesterday. Lots of scary things. Some definitely went well, some make me anxious and some made me very concerned.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with the psychologist. We were discussing how to get aggro on all this and making a solid plan to get as much out of my last block of sessions from him (I’ve only got eleven left so we’re in the final stretch, though I’ve got an assessment with CMHT next Wednesday for my other problems so I might end up with more therapy afterwards). This week, he’s given me the task of weighing no food at all. No weighing or measuring or anything. Just eating what looks about right. Mostly, I’m not too worried about this as I’ve been phasing the measuring out for a while, but it does mean I’ll have to start addressing the cereal issue.
Cereal is the food I most want to be denied access to. I love it so much and have it everyday, but I portion it out into little 40g bags and have one bag at a time whilst the rest are hidden from me. Cereal scares me a huge amount – I have way too many horrible memories of binging on it. I remember I would get shot glasses and say “Ok – you’re allowed one shot glass with a dash of milk” then end up having like 8 shot glasses and freaking out about it for hours and hours (or purging, which was always worse). I never felt I was in control around cereal and at certain points, I would know I’d eating more than I was willing to live with, give in and eat like 7 bowls full purely to purge afterwards. This got so bad that it was everyday and I would fall apart and viciously hate myself for it, so for my own sanity, the fam hid the cereal almost a year ago now and I haven’t seen it since. It was the first food to be hidden and the last food to stay hidden.
As of last night, it’s back in the kitchen. And I hate it. I hate knowing it’s there. I haven’t had any urge to binge it, but I hate the fact that I could. I don’t trust myself and it makes me feel horrible. So now I’m anxious and edgy in the kitchen. I haven’t had any unweighed portions yet as I’m getting through the last few portions first, but they’re looming at me anyway. I hope this goes ok. Fingers crossed.
Yesterday, I made cookies. Proper cookies. With peanut M&Ms. They weren’t aesthetically pleasing so I didn’t photo them, and because I get impatient with baking I didn’t let them cool for long enough and they kinda stuck together in a big cookie lump. However, I baked.
During the worst of anorexia, I baked constantly. All the time, all different types of food. I made some pretty nang things, and some less good things and became the lord of low-calorie baking. Some low-calorie baked goods are really awful, but to be fair to them, I made some absolutely fantastic blueberry bran muffins. However, during recovery, all my baking stopped really. The idea of unknown calories, maybe having to use butter and sugar instead of low-calorie substitutes plus the fact that I might be tempted to over eat by having more than planned or eating left over mixture scared me too much. I had good reason to be scared – restriction led to binges on many low-calorie biscuits, eating raw pastry, chewing and spitting hot cross buns and other pretty low points. So I stayed away. Far, far away.
I definitely ate some mixture and had more than one cookie, but it wasn’t panicked. I felt a little bad about it, but I worked my meal plan around it so it’s all good. I didn’t eat them all or destroy them or force them on others. In fact there’s still a few left (I had another two today and they are still nom). This may seem really silly, but it’s actually really big news for me. There is home-baked things in my house and I’m eating them when I actually want to and not eating so many I feel sick and I’m not thinking of ways to dispose of them! I still find them scary but I’m building up a little evidence that I might be able to hack their existence.
Yesterday, I saw my GP about my bone density scan results. To be honest, I haven’t been too worried about them as I figured it’d improve if I just kept got to a healthy weight for my body and ate bare yogurt and milk – it was only osteopenia after all, nothing too severe. My GP on the other hand was very concerned. He told me that my overall results are pretty close to fully developed osteoporosis (though it’s already present in a few areas) and if I don’t start to address this now, I could end up with it very soon. He kept stressing how bad it was and how high my risk really was and how, regardless of my ongoing physical recovery, this probably wasn’t going to get better on its own now as my bones are almost fully developed, so now I’m taking four calcium and vitamin D supplements a day to be revised in a month. Plus I have to get my vitamin D levels tested. Urgh – another blood test. I’m not sure how much help the prescription will be until my body is happy again, but I’m concerned now. Very concerned. He kept telling me that I had to take care to stay out of accidents, which is actually really hard for me because I fall over a lot. I wasn’t at all concerned until now, but now I’m really worried. Is it actually that bad? Because I didn’t think osteopenia was that bad really. I don’t know whether my GP was right to be so worried. How worried should I be right now?
For one day, that was pretty recovery-busy for me. I’d like it if things were more evenly spread. Sometimes recovery is stressful.