unplanned.

I wasn’t going to post today. I wasn’t even supposed to be home (I was planning on heading partyward this evening). In fact, I was thinking that my next post would be a long overdue eats report tomorrow so it’d be all positive and full of accomplishments, but today has been really difficult and really testing for me so I thought I’d get it out of me and try to get some perspective. There will be numbers in this post so be wary if that’ll bother you.

Today started badly. I was out last night, then ended up spending a few hours cotching with the Mam when I got in, so didn’t wake up today till around noon. I know this shouldn’t really bother me, but when you have the looming “Shit – I have so much eating to fit into so little time” feelings, if can make your whole day tense. Part of you wants to make a big effort to eat a huge breakfast to catch up a little so you can maybe drop a snack and get back on time, but another part of you hates the idea as that’d mean eating scary food combos in one go, so you can’t really win the scenario in a mentally settled way. For the past few days, I’ve been trying to make the move to real cow’s whole milk rather than unsweetened soy. It’s not something I do comfortably due to the calories and fat content, but I’ve come to the opinion that actually, it’s the best kind of milk for me right now so I’m just going to go for it. To make matters harder (but better obviously), I decided to have to normal sized slices of seedy toast with Spectuloos instead of my usual muffin with Nutella with my cereal and that really whacked the calorie total into seriously uncomfortable territory for me and it actually effected me more than I’d expected, especially because it made me so full. The fact that I’d drunk last night made this even worse as alcohol always seems to destroy my appetite.

Despite my discomfort, to get back on track with my eating times a little, I had to snack an hour later. I was still painfully full and uncomfortable from my breakfast choices, so I went for this Tesco finest white chocolate and raspberry yogurt in the fridge. I thought it’d be good because it packed a calorific punch due to all the heavy whipping cream in it and the fact that it was small and soft. However, it just freaked me out more and left me feeling even more uncomfortable. It seriously added to my internal fat intake count and made my brain start to seriously freak out. I felt awful.

I think part of the reason food was so hard for me today was because I’d bought bagels, smoked salmon and full fat cream cheese for the obvious, but incredibly tasty, lunchtime treat and in my mind, I’d planned to have that today. Bagels, salmon and cream cheese are all major fear foods of mind due to the fat and general calorie content of each seperate item, but I brought them a couple of days ago when I was having a strong moment in my recovery and I didn’t want them to go stale/off, so I knew I had to at least try today (I really hate food waste). However, as I was so late, I was in a rush to get on my plans for the day and still so stuffed physically and mentally unsettled that, although I did manage the bagel, I missed out the rest of my lunch. Salad with dressing, crisps, yogurt and fruit all got ditched to soothe my mind and get me out the front door. I felt horrible, but I figured I’d get more hungry soon enough and could pick something up whilst I was out as I was heading to Westfield and there’s bare food there for whatever mood you’re in.

Now, this is where my day starts to get ridiculous. It was a stupid idea really, especially considering how distressed I was already becoming about my eating today, but I was getting antsy. There are these jeans in River Island I absolutely love. They are skinny jeans with thick powder blue and white vertical stripes. I’ve been putting off buying them due to weight gain, but I’d been thinking about them so much I just thought I’d try them on, buy a size bigger then I am now and style them out till I grow. They only had one pair left, and they were a 12. I tried them on, along with some size 10 shorts in the same design, realised the 10 was way too big and the twelve was ridiculous, so figured I’d just head to Topshop and check out their stripey jeans.

Big fucking mistake.

Topshop has always been the barometer by which I size myself. I compare my measurements to their measurements, consider their jeans to be an accurate portrayal of my size and generally just use them as a way to monitor my weight gain/loss. Last time I went (only about two or three weeks ago), I tried on some shorts. The 10s were too big, the 8s were a little big and the 6s fit snuggly, so I figured I wouldn’t buy any shorts as I still had to grow and cursed myself for still fitting into a 6 then went on my way unphased. Today, they had some aces jeans with spaceships on them, but only in size 16 or size 8. I figured the 8s would fit, but I was completely wrong. I was bigger than an 8. I also tried on some stripped jeans in a 10, and they fit fine. This really, really got to me. I had to leave the shop as quickly as possible and promptly burst into tears and found a corner to sit on the floor and hide in. I was there for at least half an hour, just crying. On my own. In a shopping centre. Like a dick.

See, pre-eating disorder, I was a Topshop 32 inch waist, so a 14 in their jeans. I promised myself a long time ago I’d never look that dumpy and horrible again, and considering I’m still gaining weight, that is a distinct possibility if right now I’m already a 10. I also think that a size 12 is really dumpy on me so basically hate the idea of that too. At this point, it didn’t matter that I’d tried on all my jeans and skirts the other day and fit into all but one pair of jeans I didn’t even buy (including the XS ones and some Topshop size 6 chinos) and many were still too big. Even so, I felt huge. I felt like an absolute failure at life and I just couldn’t cope with it. It was the first time in weeks I’ve serious considered restricting. I mean, I’ve thought about it a lot and I’ve wanted to, but today I was really actively considering it for the purposes of rapid weight loss, not because food just felt difficult. Now, it’ been meticulously planned to the extent where I actually think it would be really easy and actually quite comforting. So I sat there for a while, crying and looking like an idiot with eyeliner all down my face. Then I made possibly the worst decision I could have made in that scenario.

I went back to Topshop.

I tried on every single cut of skinny jeans in the shop (and a few pairs of shorts for good measure) in size 8 and size 10 so I could really know what size I was. The jeans I’d previously tried on were the Leigh kind, so were meant to be stretchy, but the patterns on them I think were like printed on, so they lost a lot of stretch. I therefore decided that it wasn’t truly representative of whether their sizing was store accurate, so I decided to check. And I really, really did. It took a long time but I got through each and every style of skinny jeans in the shop, along with a couple of types of hot pants. My testing paid off slightly seeing as I’ve now decided that I fit a size 8 snuggly, but could get away with a 10 now. Even in the normal, non-print Leigh jeans. I have gone up one size since Christmas. It still made me feel like shit because I’d gone up a size, and I still refused to buy any of the things I tried on, but I won’t lie, I wanted to die a little less. In my mind, a size 8 is still small, but a size 10 isn’t. A size 10 is normal size and I don’t want to be normal size, I want to be small. I want to be small because being small is pretty (I don’t apply this rule to anyone else. Just to me). I know it’s vain and I know it’s unhealthy for me and I know that I won’t be this small in a few weeks so I should just suck it up but it scares me. It’s fucking terrifying.

So to make myself feel better, I picked up a cardi I’ve had my eyes on for a few months from Primark and got some nang dark purple lipstick and stay put black eyeshadow from MAC as I’ve been after purple lips for ages and my usual Benefit eyeliner has been discontinued, then headed home. Retail therapy in every way.

This whole fiasco took a really long time and (apart from the time I spent on the floor), I’d been walking, with no food stops, for 5 and a half hours. All I’d had in over six hours was a black coffee, but because I was upset, my appetite had drifted even further afield and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was eat. I made myself though, even though it made me cry (again. I swear I’m all tears and tantrums right now). It was a relatively safe meal (stir fry prawns with rice and veggies) though, which was entirely unhelpful as it meant I still had over 1000kcals to make up for after dinner. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I would, but I’ve been eating my evening snack for an hour now and it’s almost done. When it’s finished, yes I’ll feel monstrously sick, but at least I would have hit my target.

I’ve mostly been writing this to keep myself distracted from the food I’m eating and to keep myself from caving in to the million and one negative urges that are running through my head right now. I feel so sick it’s ridiculous. My self-esteem is pitiful right now. I’m staying home because I’m too fat for parties. I’m desperate to never be dumpy and big again and it kills me inside because I think I’m going to have to be because of my genetic bad luck. I hate that I have to be huge to be healthy. So many other people are healthy at smaller sizes than me. I hate hate hate it. I feel awful. I haven’t felt this distraught in a long time.

So today has been pretty bust recovery wise. I did manage to eat my calories, but in such a stupid way that I now just feel physically sick. My body image is critically low right now and I’m really not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I’m desperate to know my weight and considering buying a battery for my scales tomorrow, but I don’t think that’s actually wise. I’ll just hate the weight and want to lose it even more than I already do right now. I haven’t weighed myself in at least half a stone (at my last weigh in so nearly two weeks ago now). I’ve probably gained since then and it probably means I’m over nine stone and the idea of being over nine stone makes me want to die. I’m embarrassed to even type that weight. It’s an embarrassing weight really. I know I’m being dramatic, but as I’ve said before, my brain is Lord of the Overstatement and overstatements seem to be all I’ve got right now. I know full well that I haven’t been this big or heavy in an incredibly long time and I hate myself for this weight gain. Still no fucking period now though so on it goes. I’m so desperate for the horror that is periods now. I don’t ever want to reach my pre-anorexia weight again and if I’m over nine stone, it’s probably only about a stone away. I know this is all disordered and I know if I’m going to be healthy I just have to see what happens, but I’m struggling. A lot. I’m still having the odd good day, but it’s rapidly becoming the odd good day again, rather than the mostly good days I had been having. Today, I walked for way over my alloted two hours, which is bloody terrible really. I didn’t even try. I just walked and walked and couldn’t just not. I also measure ever aspect of my evening snack. I measured milk, weighed berries, weighed cereal. Apart from the cereal, I haven’t done any of this in months now. But today, it was back. Which is a bit of a fail.

I just hate my body. It makes me so upset. It’s not even legitimately small anymore. Even if I’m wrong in thinking it’s huge, you definitely couldn’t call it small. It’s disgusting. I can literally feel the excess tissue crawling under my skin.

I’m all doom and gloom right now. Sorry. I just feel like I’m starting to fall apart. I’m not ok right now. I’m really struggling to want to recover and I’m not entirely sure I can keep this up much longer.

I haven’t cried this much in a long time. Pathetic really.

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16 Comments

Filed under general, rant, recovery

16 responses to “unplanned.

  1. Please don’t be “sorry” for being sad! I totally understand where you’re coming from and why you’d be so upset. It’s one of the things I fear most and I fear my current positivity dipping dramatically when I go up in clothes sizes. I get “attached” to my clothes and I also fear size 10 (double figures Pfft) but that’s where I am to head, and beyond, if I want “recovery”. Doesn’t make it any easier though. Well done for still munching up those calories, despite the fact you feel so sad, kudos, that took some doing. Hugs xx oh and stay away from those scales, they will not tell you anything you want to hear/see. Xx

    • Clothes are a minefield. In some ways though, it’s good to be a bigger size. I’m getting big enough to shop in charity shops and vintage shops again, which is something I’m trying to remind myself of so I can stay positive. It’s hard though. Really hard.

      No scales today though. Which is probably good. I duno. I’m all confussed. Part of me feels like I’m ballooning out, part of me feels like I actually haven’t actually gained much since my last weigh in. I’m desperate to know but trying to stay away. I can always make my therapist weigh me on Tuesday if I’m freaking out too much. I don’t know.

      Thank you though. That snack was literally so painful but I managed it in the end. It took way over an hour to get through it all, but I guess it’s worth it.

      x.

      • Yeah, you know, I hunt for clothes on ebay and the interwebs, I quite like some of the older type unusual clothes that you can’t get in many shops (I like the whole “where did you get that top/trousers from?”, “Internet, and it’s a one off, so you cannot copy me haha” conversations), but, eBay people are mostly “normal” sizes, and that part of ED does suck.
        Yeah, not knowing your weight can sometimes be counter-productive, feeling more “weighted” than you actually are. But, my scales are broken, I know if I replaced them, it would just be “too easy” to get fixated on daily numbers again, even if my initial intentions were good. Therapist weighing you does sound like a good idea, then also, you’d have some immediate support.
        Hugs hon xxx

  2. WG

    I am sorry you had such a hard day. Crying though uncomfortable is good because it allows the feelings to get out. I am concerned for you because I feel you don’t see how severe the walking issue is. 2 hours even is a form of bulimia so 5 plus is really. I think you need to view the walking as bulimia and purging calories. I know you use walking for anxiety but it is just like using restricting for anxiety or throwing up. It is not ok. You have to learn to sit with the horrible anxiety. I am saying this as someone who has horrid anxiety and can go days without sleep.
    When I battled the activity I thought I would lose my mind so I am not saying it is easy but I know it is possible.
    I know clothes shopping is hard. Lets say though you had the same issues but came home and cried or went to a movie but did not walking. What do you see happening? If you can sit with the feelings of anxiety and see nothing bad happens then you have a chance at getting past the obsession of walking and anxiety or learning to at least manage it better. If you give in you spin your wheels.
    Also in reality lets look at this you walked so much extra today but at the end of the day you don’t seem to happy right now?
    It sounds like you are battling many things and I hope you don’t give up but I really feel you need to tackle all aspects of the ed and other destructive behaviors. Switching things around whether it be anorexia,SI,drugs for some etc is just using another bad way to deal or numb out what one feel that can not but really need to for a normal life. I hope I am making sense?
    You are in my thoughts and I wish it was easier. Hope the rest of the weekend is brighter

    • You’re right, I really don’t see the severity of the walking thing. Like I know it’s bad, but honestly, when people go shopping, they do walk a lot. Daily activity means a lot of walking for most people doesn’t it? It doesn’t feel excessive, even though I know on some level it definitely is. I’m trying to tackle all aspects of my destructive behaviours, it’s just that once I manage one, another one pops up and becomes a pressing issue again. I’m not good at sitting with any of my emotions – I get too worked up and end up doing something stupid and counter-productive. I hate my brain.

      I am trying though. It’s just so much harder than I can articulate. It seems like I’m doing nothing at all to challenege it, but I really am, it’s just not enough. I don’t really know if I have enough in me to manage this better. Today is not a positive day obviously. I am very aware that it just looks like excuse after exccuse. It is really, but I honestly can’t seem to get to grips with this at all.

      I know I should just sit though. I’m tryiing to sit more today so hopefully that’ll work out for me. I guess we’ll see. I can’t imagine at all what would happen if I didn’t walk, only that it’d be really bad. All I can imagine is that it’s really awful. Stupid brain.

      Sorry for being such a downer right now. Blah x.

  3. ARGH clothes shopping is a disaster. Hate hate hate the way clothes can change a persons mood within seconds. Realistically, you’re still tiny. Size 6 shouldn’t even exist so if you’re finally out of them that’s good (I say that, but I was devastated when all my jeans were outgrown :(). You’re fairly tall right? A size 12 or 14 is completely and utterly normal and I KNOW you said you don’t want to be average/normal size, you want to be small, but when you were small you were really fucking miserable. People were scared for you. It’s not worth going back to that Ellie, it’s really not.

    The positives. Full fat yoghurt? Salmon & Cream cheese bagel? Awesome. The urge to restrict was strong yesterday and yet you didn’t. You stayed up and managed your food so that’s aces, ‘Normal’ people can miss a snack/meal here and there and it’s not a problem, but you know we have to be super careful so next time you’re shopping – take a snack with you. No excuses.

    I replied to your other post about the walking, it’s getting to be a big deal and might be responsible for the lack of period, what do you think? Your body can’t concentrate on getting your period because it’s trying to fuel 5 bloody hours of walking.

    Of course you can keep it up, you can pick yourself up tomorrow and start fresh. Important thing is not to let yesterday get to you, grab that thick sliced toast for breakfast and scratch it from your brain. If it means crying your way through then so be it! Sorry you’re feeling so rubbish, wish I could help xx

    • I know it’s not worth going back to, but people have definitely stopped being worried for me. I feel like at size 6/8, I look fine, healthy and good, but 8/10 makes me look horrible. I’m really struggling to see why I should gain more weight than this. I know that on some level, I probably have to, but I don’t want to. I feel like I should be done now. I’m really struggling right now. It is not good. I don’t know why it got so bad and so hard again. But I do keep eating and you’re right, that is positve. Even if it feels like the worst thing ever.

      With regards to walking, I really don’t know what’s normal. I mean, shopping for five or more hours seems pretty normal activity wise. And shopping means walking. I know I should walk less, but then I think “how much is normal?” I’ve always walked a lot a lot. Now it is more obsessive, but probably not more walking then I did pre-ED. I just know it’s more obsessive from the little things, like not sitting down on public transport, or in life more generally, running up escalators, using stairs instead of lifes etc. It’s not proper exercise, but I feel lazy otherwise. Sometimes I think proper exercise would be better for me than this. The urge not to be lazy permeates my entire day. Maybe it does effect my period though. Urgh. That’d be annoying. I’m trying to walk less today and keep it under 2 hours. We’ll see I guess.

      Sorry this is so babbling. My mind is racing right now.

      x.

      • No I do know what you mean, but I think it’s just because I don’t tend to walk as much as much as I drive everywhere. But on the same token, as much as I love shopping I couldn’t imagine doing it for 5 hours! My limit is more like 2. And that’s with a coffee & cake break. Do you walk even when you have nowhere to go? And no reason to go out? I had to walk for 30 mins today and I felt enormously guilty for actually moving because I’ve brainwashed myself to be sedentary (for full recovery??) so we have opposite issues in a way :/. I think it’s because I know if I do it any more, I’ll do it more often and it will get out of control so if I tell myself I CAN’T then it’s easier. Ish. That sounds confused. Sorry :(

        I’m an 8 now, but I’m short and I HATE how stocky my legs are. Little short stumpy tree trunks. I hate hate hate them. But, I hate hate hated them at a 6, and I know I’ll hate them when I’m up to a 10, so it’s a lose lose situation.

        Scrunchy, I’m sorry for this shitty reply, I’m not very good at cheering people up! Stay strong lady and get those trashy clothes on xx

  4. WG

    Hi
    I looked up what is considered active person and it is 30 minutes of moderate activity a day such as walking. Walking is proper exercise. Your walking 2 hours which is the cut down though I think you need to go cold turkey with activity is more activity then a person would run for example. You go way more miles. Also most people don’t shop everyday. I would think even weekly a mall trip for a couple hours would be extreme. Most people have full time jobs where they sit at an office,then have families to come home to, and or maybe school on top of that. I forgot you are in school but do you work?
    I think you know in your heart that no one healthy does this amount of activity. If you google non purging bulimia what you are doing would be considered. I don’t want to sound mean because I know how hard this battle is. I also know the mental and physical horrible trapped feeling it is. In no way do I want you to think I feel it is an easy change but I know you can do it. I remember in treatment though my therapist saying you have to be willing to do what ever it takes. Recovery is the hardest thing. It is so true.
    As for clothes I think what helps me is to remind myself the goal was to gain so though yes it is unknown change and scary being a larger size was the goal. I am in the US but here in 3 different stores you can be 3 different sizes. I don’t think setting a goal weight because of a clothes size is good. You have to allow your body find its healthy weight,also look at bmi facts of what is healthy. There is a lot of research how relapse of an ed is less and also for full health a bmi of over 20 is needed.
    I hope I am not too harsh in my response. Hang in there and I know you can get past the struggles you are having.

  5. I really appreciate your replies but they make me so confused! It’s probably because you’re right. I guess part of the reason I walk so much is that I don’t have much structure to my days. So whereas most people do have jobs and things, but right now uni is only from home and I’ve been told I’m unfit for work so am unemployed. Walking is literally all I do. I hate being in the house all day.

    You’re right when you say it’s more than running because it really is. I’ve never run as far as I walk. Saying that though, my gym workouts could easily be longer. It also gets confusing because everyone I live with walks as much or more than I do. My brother is walking for around 5 hours a day, my dad walks at least an hour and a half daily, with marathon training on top of that and my my mum walks at least an hour, but then has 3 hours spent on playground duty so running around with children. Apart from my Dad, they don’t consider what they’re doing as exercise and don’t see themselves as particularly active, plus and none of them think of their actions in terms of weight or calories. If they’re don’t consider themselves active, how is only 30mins walking to be considered active? I already feel awful for not doing any “proper” exercise. Genuinely, I feel pretty sedentary really. I mean, I’m less a active than all my immediate family and at least 2 of them consider themselves sedentary. I’m so confused.

    I will say though that I don’t think it can be considered a form of purging. I’m not doing it with any amount of calorie burn in my mind and am not binging in anyway and am consciously trying to up my calories. Definintely compulsive exercise definitely for unhealthy reasons, but it really doesn’t feel like purging in at all. I’ve exercised to purge before and it’s not the same experience. I do have in mind the idea of a healthy lifestyle though, but I’m not guilty for the food I’ve eaten, just the idea of being lazy and unhealthy.

    My point here is pretty rambly. You’re right in a lot of ways and it’s helpful to see these things, I’m just struggling to see what’s normal and what isn’t. I know it’s a problem because it’s compulsive, but I’m not sure how weird it really is. I think people in London just walk quite a lot (cars are too expensive and traffic makes it impractical, plus public transport costs a ridiculous amount) so maybe everyone I know is just active. It makes it confusing.

    I swear everything is making me cry right now. I hate crying. It makes me feel like an idiot.

    This is so long. Sorry

    x.

  6. WG

    Hi
    First you have to focus on what you need and not on your family. If your brother walks for 5 hours then he has an ed issue too. As for your dad training people do train for things but are healthy mind and body. Plus it still is not 5 hours a day. If you have an active lifestyle in London owhich means cause lack of car transportation then you don’t need added walking on top of that.
    I think you know in your heart that the amount of activity you do is not healthy. You stated that you don’t feel it is like bulimia but lets say you did no walking today would you eat the whole meal plan of 3000? If no then it is because you are using walking to compensate. Even if you don’t want to call it bulimia cause I am not big on labels anyhow you can’t be recovered or live a normal life with a job,family,hobbies,mental/physical freedom with activity that takes this long. Which though you said now you can’t get a job and are home from uni I would think these things I stated are goals for the future. Now can you think of some other hobbies like knitting or a group of some kind?
    The ED wants to make you feel you are sedentary maybe because of how you used to exercise if it was even worse. I do know in past comments even the other day you state how the walking has gotten so bad so part of you knows that this amount is not sedentary but I think the scared part of you wants to think it is ok. I hope you can talk more in therapy about this and find a way to recover. Also remember what I stated to you about my dietician saying how hard it is to find out your calorie needs. That was important to me in my recovery especially after weight gain I wanted to know what my body needed to be healthy and not have to worry about if I did X amount of activity etc. I also did not want to use exercise as a way to eat. It is not a healthy way.
    Your struggle with this has reminded me what a battle mentally this was when I struggled. It felt so trapping and like my head was spinning and constant worry. Like I said recovery of it was so hard but possible. Do you want to get over this part of the ed? That is key in this because from others I have heard that battle too for some it is harder then eating more etc. For others I would think not but for some.
    Well I hope today is better

    • I just don’t know what’s healthy really. I don’t think it’s possible for me to know right now. That’s what makes this so difficult. I honestly can’t tell what’s right or wrong. What I do know though is that my workload is causing me to be more sedentary so that’s a good thing. I’m getting more sedentary at least. We’ll see I guess. I will try to remember that thing about not knowing my maintanence amount though. I really need to.

      I’m not really good with hobbies. I just kinda do things because I should not because I want to. Hence work being a good tool to limit walking amounts. I duno though. I’m not very good at it.

      Hopefully it’ll improve. It’s not in the most healthy way – swtiching from one have to into another have to, but still. I’m still eating 3000 though, even though on some days I only walk for like half an hour.

      Love x.

  7. Oh Ellie I’m so sorry to hear you’re struggling. And so sorry I only read this now because I think you and I had the exact same week. I friggin’ exploded the past few weeks. NOTHING fits anymore, and I’m now even BEYOND my old size. I did go up to a friggin’ TEN. Like WTF? I remember last month my family started saying ‘I was starting to grow legs again’ and now none of my OLD stuff even fits anymore. WTF happened?!

    But you know what ELlie, we BOTH still havent gotten our periods yet, so I do think you should put it in perspective. You and I are NOT done yet. We simply are NOT

    And dont think I dont understand what this feels like, because last tuesday I spent FOUR friggin hours crying in front of the mirror and today when I went to buy jeans and size 8 didn’t fit I could NOT get myself to try on a larger size even though the jeans were really aces (coming from a girl that never wears trouwens!)

    I agree with WG though, you’re walking is out of control. Your brothers five hours are completely weird as well. And for the rest? They too are walking a lot, but El, they aren’t recovering fron an ED. You should rally keep that in mind when your EDbrain is trying to compare. You know better than that. Also as abov was stated that half an hour is normal, I think I’ve read that half an hour is encouraged because currently ‘normal’ means quite a lot less. So half an hour is even MORE than normal. Now compare that to your five (or even two!!), that’s really out of proportion isnt it?

    Hang on in there Ellie.. Don’t give up. We’re not done until we bleed again like we should goddamnit.

    • I know my walking is out of control, and I’m really trying to curb it. Right now I have a whole load of work which is helping somewhat. Last time I had to quit exercise was exactly this time last year when work started piling up. Hopefully it’ll help me again. I dunoooo. I’m trying though. I know it’s out of proportion though.

      Urgh jeans. The bain of my life. I swear I hate all jeans. Equally. In any size. They just suck. I’m not even big that’s the thing. A size 8/10 isn’t big. GAH! I hate all this.

      x.

  8. Pingback: quitting. | the words the rapture left.

  9. partyring

    i sent you a letter i hope you recieve it quick! xxx

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