I was weighed today. Guess what? I reached my target weight. The target weight set at my very first appointment. It’s taken 10 months, but I actually reached my target. Well 100g short, but I mean, that’s nothing.
I don’t really know what to do with this information. I’m still without a period, which is an issue. It might come back at any point, and the dietician kept saying how she’d expected it already and if it doesn’t turn up soon, we’ll need to start getting tests for other problems. This concerns me. I’m allowed to maintain here and see though. Some of the guidelines for recovery I’ve read say to keep gaining until you have a period, others say you sometimes just need to wait because it could take a few months. I don’t know what to do with any of this information really. All I know is that I hate it because it is the proof I needed that I’m not small anymore and I want to be small. As far as I can tell, I’m now the largest of all my friends again and I hate it. Back to being the fat one. I’ve always been the fat one. I liked the few years I got when that wasn’t my label.
So I don’t know what to eat now. I guess I’ve not been doing very well recently in a lot of ways and feel entirely shitty. I’d been stressing so much about my weight that I entirely dissociated from my dietetics session so I’m actually struggling to remember what I’m supposed to be doing now. Literally, she weighed me then my mind essentially left the building. I think we decided I had to let other people cook for me twice a week and eat substantially less food and not count calories anymore. Again. I’ve tried to stop counting a few times, but just to go back on it. Not good. But she wants me to try follow my hunger a little bit more so I guess I’ll try. It really throws me though. I’m not very good at knowing what or when to eat. Like right now, I’m actually hungry, but I’m not eating because I don’t know how much is enough and whether what I want is too much. Basically I’m scared shitless about gaining anymore weight and don’t know what to do. I should have asked questions. Instead I mubbled one word answers and didn’t pay attention.
I was going to try to have fish and chips tonight. Now I don’t think I can. I’m supposed to be maintaining after all. Can you maintain your weight and still eat takeaways? I should have asked that.
Seriously, how the fuck do normal people eat? How do they do it and not gain or lose weight? I haven’t maintained a stable weight in almost five years. That’s a lie. I maintained a kinda stable weight range in that time for about a year, but only through periods of restriction then periods of normal eating, back and forth, to stop my weight getting too high and I don’t really want to do that again. I’ve never maintained this weight though. I know how to be on a diet – weight gain or weigh loss, they’re both pretty easy to understand. But maintaining? Fuck. It’s an alien concept. Honestly – how do you ever eat a chocolate bar or a cake or anything? I don’t understand.
What scares me the most is that I’ve still got so many difficulties with food and eating. I’m rubbish at responding to my hunger cues. I’m scared of so many foods. I have real difficulties eating in front of people (I’ve done it a few times, but mostly I eat alone). I won’t let anyone else cook for me incase it’s too much. I really struggle drinking calories. I under eat in order to allow room for getting drunk. I really cannot deal with butter at all. I have real difficulties eating meat. I won’t eat unless it’s time. The list goes on. Yet now I still haven’t got over so many of these things and I’m supposed to maintain?
The dietitian said I could gain a little more and it wouldn’t be bad because my body might want it, but when all I see is fucking disgusting, I’m not sure how much more weight I could stand.
And on the other side of this all, I don’t want to lose. If I under eat, I could fuck up my metabolism and that would just mean having to gain more weight, probably more than I’d lose in the first place. That’d suck. But if I’m not counting calories, how will I know I’ve eaten enough? I have a bad tendency to over-estimate what I’m eating and playing it “safe” through scaling things back. I don’t do it on purpose. I do it because I genuinely think that it’s enough food or that I’ve eaten more than I actually have. It’s a fucking mine field.
I don’t even know if I should be maintaining. Lots of contradicting advice leaves me confused. What do you lot reckon?
So instead of listening to her whilst she was telling me which bits of my meal plan to change to scale back or around how many calories or whatever to cut back on, I was an idiot. Firstly, I told her a lot of times how disgusting I am and how much I don’t want to gain anymore weight (even before she’d weighed me). That could possibly be why she agreed to let me maintain. Secondly, I cried. Thirdly, I let my body do what it liked whilst I thought of all the ways I hate myself till I cried some more. I’m supposed to be happy I’ve got to this point right? I really fucking wish I was.
After leaving that appointment, I kept myself together enough to have Weetabix and banana at the hospital cafeteria then headed off to therapy. I had really hoped I’d work through some of my problems and difficulties with the psychologist today. Instead, I choked entirely. I couldn’t find the words and completely disconnected from that situation. I really don’t remember that either. All I really remember was telling him I constantly feel sick in my heart and that I really wanted to be able to talk because it hurts and want it to hurt less. I remember he told me that even though it’s the last thing I want to do and I’ll hate the idea, to try to be around people as much as possible, not be alone and keep myself safe. I don’t think I mentioned my weight or my worries about maintaining. Or any of the other stuff I’ve been waiting to try to work through with someone. That’s all I got from the hour. I really needed to actually do therapy today and I didn’t, plus he’s away next week so I don’t have a chance to talk through any of this stuff for another two weeks. I almost cried in front of him too, then left and actually just cried in the street till I ended up having a panic attack and finding a corner to hide in for a while. Only to cry some more till I ended up at home.
I also managed to cry at my G.P. today. I went in for advice on scaring and acne. I came out crying with her telling me that if I ever need support, to go see her right away.
Thank fuck I’m seeing psychiatrist number 2 on Thursday. I’m really hoping to get somewhere with some of this. I cannot keep existing like this. I really need something to change and I don’t know what but I’m really hoping she’ll know. If not, I can ask the original psychiatrist on Monday. That doesn’t change the fact that today, I’ve been given information and I couldn’t get my shit together for long enough to learn how to deal with. As far as I can tell, I have at least two weeks of trying to muddle through this with no way of knowing whether it’s right or wrong.
Basically, I’m scared. I’m so scared I won’t be able to manage my intake and I’ll end up getting drastically bigger or smaller. I’m so scared that this is just one thing to have to deal with too many because I’m struggling as it is. I’m so scared that a mixture of switching to maintenance and the current state I’ve got myself in will end up with me restricting by accident and who know’s where that could lead. I’m just really really scared.
Lesson of the story – listen and engage with people when they’re talking to you. You’ll probably get more out of it.
My B.M.I.s now 20.8. I’ve gained 38lb in 10 months. Fucking hell. I feel like a planet. Standardly though.