Hello! Been awhile. Again. Essays smessays ruin my life. Still, now all I’ve got left is my dissertation which is pretty bloody terrifying as I’m not on top of that but I’ve got till September so I’m hoping for the best. Anyways, I’ve got through my deadline and then took a few days to not write anything at all (instead chosing to watch a whole load of Skins on 4od. I don’t care that I’m not 14 it’s really good. And it makes me miss Bristol something rotten). Now I figured it was time for a long neglected blog post.
Right now, anorexia-recovery-wise I’m doing ok I think. I spend a lot of time beating myself up over the fact that my eating isn’t really normal. It would look pretty normal to someone who came to watch it for a day, but longer than 48 hours and they’d get suspicious. I struggle a lot when it comes to food and other people. Since setting my target of two meals per week cooked by the Ma almost a month ago now, I’ve let her cook for me once. I’m really struggling with not counting calories – right now the rolling total of days without counting is 2. So far on day 3, I’ve had breakfast so I’m pretty aware of my running total so far. Especially because it was Weetabix so pretty accurately estimable there, plus I know I overestimate my milk portion. I’m struggling to try to get enough fat in my diet. Struggling to get enough protein. I think though that it’s ok because although it’s not perfectly balanced, I am getting all the food groups. I’d really suck at that paleo-diet thing the world seems to really love. I like grains too much and meat and fats kinda scare me. Plus you know, it’s kinda bullshit anyway. I seriously lack variety in my diet too. Not vits and mins wise, just the sorts of meals I have really. I basically eat more and fattier versions of what I ate a year ago, just with added snacks. Still, it’s a bloody improvement. I saw the dietitian today and she’s really happy with me so I shouldn’t be so angry at myself for not getting it right yet. For not being normal yet.
It’s more difficult than I thought it would be – switching to maintenance. I’m maintaining absolutely fine. So far, my weight has managed to fluctuate around in the same pound even though I’m consistently eating between 2,300-2,500kcals a day, so it’s really not that hard. It’s just there’s no real aim. Thinking about what to eat is easy when you’re going somewhere with it. You don’t have to want or like anything – you just do it. Granted, during weight gain you can eat a whole load of super tasty food, but it doesn’t really matter if you want it or not, you just have it. I never have any idea what it is I want to eat. Ever. And if I do, it’s usually something like chips or cake. I don’t really know how they’d fit on my meal plan, so I avoid them anyway. To be fair, that happens very rarely anyway, most of the time I just don’t want to eat or have no idea what I fancy. If in doubt, toast. Toast is now my go to snack. It’s no fuss, no bother, quick, tasty. I just don’t have to think about it, which is nice.
Because you know what? When it comes down to it, I just kinda hate food. I’ll eat it, and I get that it’s good and not a choice, but necessity and all that, I just don’t really like it. I loved food for so long that I think it’s worn me out. I never have the desire to cook something nice or bake or be creative. I just want it to be over and done with as quick as possible. It kinda sucks because I can cook really boomtingz food when I want. It’s not like I don’t the time and it’s not like I’m even considering maybe not eating (at least not on a seriously likely level). It’s not that food doesn’t taste good because it obviously can. It’s just boring. Monotonous. Constant. Especially when all of a sudden it’s time to eat and I’ve not planned my meal at all. Showdowns with the fridge end up with me eating the same things most of the time. I like them, but I chose what’ll be done quickest not what’ll taste nicest. Turing the oven on is a major hassle, anything that needs to simmer is basically out of the question and defrosting can frankly go spin. There just doesn’t seem to be much of a point in eating something nice because I just have to eat again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. On and on. Food just keeps happening forever.
So I stick to what seems healthy for me. Lots of hummus and whole grains and veggies and soup and yogurt. I have made the conscious decision to never eat a Muller light ever again recently. After eating so much fatty fats yogurt, I had a Muller light the other day because it was in the fridge. Seriously gash. Fat-free yogurt is the single most pointless food in the world I think. Firstly, it’s not like there’s that much difference in calories. Secondly, it’s not like the fat is bad for anyone really. Thirdly, fat is pretty darn satiating. Fat-free will only make you hungrier quicker. And because you’ll need to eat more food, it’s more expensive, and probably more calories. False economy init. Plus fourthly, it’s so much tastier. Like so much. Why even bother having watery fat-free yogurt ever? Even the nicer brands fat-free is gash. Rachel’s, Yeo Valley, Onken. It’s all gash if it’s fat-free. And what really fucks me off is that loads of seriously good looking yogurt flavors are ruined by this. And also, own brand stuff tends to be fat-free or low-fat tends so if you want good yogurt, you have to pay more. I literally do not see the point in even selling it. It’s ridiculous. Plus it bugs me that it’s seen as women’s food. Why is yogurt for women? Grr.
But anyway, I try to stick to healthy foods. Not only healthy though – yesterday I had two scones with butter and jam. (real butter too. Actively trying to “get into” real butter is strange, but in an attempt to load up on fats, a good thing). I try to limit my processed food intake. I stick to things I’ve made (which when you hate food, is kinda limited), relatively natural foods with not too many added extras. I try to go for low sodium, high fibre, complex carbs etc. My meals are all kinda small, but I eat really regularly so it’s definitely enough. I always have dessert (generally it’s yogurt (standard) and fruit, but sometimes it’s Ben & Jerry’s. I have this epic ice-cream at the moment. Vermonster – pecans and maple syrup). It’s easy to stick to the rules I have about food. Especially because although there are definitely rules, they’re far more relaxed and I can break them if I want or need. Thing is, if I don’t have rules, how would I ever chose what to eat? So instead of having to choose from the infinite amount of food in the world, I stick to a diet that works for me right now. It tends to mean I eat way too much breakfast food – essentially breakfast 4 times a day (if you exclude my two desserts which are kinda breakfast food too). Breakfast is easy, quick and within my rules when choice anxiety hits. I hate that feeling of knowing you have to eat but having no idea of what to eat, so I avoid it by eating things I know are easy and fit my rules reasonably.
I know that it’s really not, but switching to maintenance has made eating seem a bit pointless. I just don’t have the energy or desire to put much thought into it. Writing this post has probably been the longest I’ve thought about food in a while. It feels like I won’t achieve anything through food anymore and to be honest, I’m not really sure how else to achieve without it. I know weight and dietary control aren’t really achievements to write home about, but they are my achievements. When I first started dieting, I thought I was achieving something – turning my life around etc. Turns out it wasn’t really worth the effort, but it felt like achievement every time the scale went down, every time I turned down food, every time I added an extra five minutes on the treadmill. I measured my worth that way. Then I achieved through recovery. Every time the scale went up, every time I ate a cake, every time I sat down on the tube. It felt like what I was achieving was awful and painful and although I’m genuinely glad I’m healthier, it’s still ambivalent (body image is pretty awful at the moment. Plus I don’t feel better or happier). Food and weight and all that business have been how I’ve measured my life, but now there’s nothing to measure it by. Just eating. Forever. On and on. It won’t get me anywhere anymore. To be fair, it’s never really got me anywhere good anyway, but I felt active. I felt I was changing something and I’d finish up new. So now I kinda just hate it. I resent that it can’t change me when I’m still so desperate to change. I still don’t feel new and I’m still not comfortable with who I am and my method might be epic fail but I was doing something to try to make me better. I haven’t found another thing to do yet. I don’t even know if there is another thing to do. But seeing as food can’t make any of me better, it’s suddenly excruciatingly boring, annoying, pointless and dull. There’s no reason to put any energy into it anymore.
This got all gloomy somehow. I think it’s the fact that I’m really struggling at the moment. Mood wise, behaviour wise, socially. It’s really difficult. It’s more difficult that I’m not really sure how I’m meant to feel right now. I don’t know if this is how people feel all the time anyway. If it is, it sucks and I don’t know why anyone bothers. None of this is helped by the fact the psychologist is on leave for an unknown amount of time. It can’t be good if no one knows when he’ll be back so it’s probably a good reason. I know I shouldn’t be, but it made me pretty angry. After my last failure of a session, I wrote out all the things that were getting to me and a lot of it is things I haven’t spoken to anyone about before, but now he’s away and I have to sit on all these things about me that make me feel broken and I don’t know if I’ll ever talk about them now. I’m just gloomy at the moment. In that all-encompassing, hollow sickness kinda way where you wake up with an empty nausea in your chest that never goes away. Physically, I feel sick in my heart. No metaphor intended. Every night, I huddle under my duvet and make wishes for hours, hoping that eventually I’ll change till I fall asleep. I don’t know. But my blog is not the time and place for all this. Too stormy. Maybe when it’s less raw and I have some sort of idea what to do about it.
But anyway. My main point is that, regardless of all the drama and ridiculous eating habits, recovery wise, I’m doing bloody awesome (I took a really roundabout way to get here I know). I might hate food, but I actually think that’s a step. I don’t hate that I have to eat it (though my current mood beats my appetite away with a rock so it’s not always pleasant). Even when I really can’t be fucked, I have toast. I eat, everyday, relatively balanced, pretty darn healthy, normal looking food. With no complaint. If I’m in doubt, I eat extra. I don’t mind the eating part, just the fact that food takes thought and time from other, more enjoyable things. I don’t weigh things really anymore which is good. Even when I do count calories, it’s really approximate and always after I’ve eaten and even if I’ve hit my target, I will still eat if I want to (I don’t really know why I do it. The numbers just make me feel safer I guess). During last years essays, I’d procrastinate through thinking about the comparative merits of various salad dressings. Now, I don’t really give a fuck about salad dressings. It’s boring and annoying and I kinda resent the time and energy food takes. I also think it’s a normal backlash to all that wasted energy. There are still problems, but I have the rest of my life to fix them. It’s bloody brilliant that I don’t really want much to do with food I think because for the first time in a long time, I really don’t feel all that obsessed by it. I eat because I have to and I don’t mind that, I’ll eat nice food if it’s there, but otherwise, sod it, I’ll have something quick and boring. Maybe this backlash against food will even out to a more neutral stand point when I work out how to tell if I’m hungry and what I might want to eat (and I am very slowly making steps in this direction. Very small, snail pace steps), maybe it won’t. Maybe I’m just one of those people who aren’t all that fussed by food. Who knows? But I have better, worse and much more important things to deal with right now. For once. And the space in my head to work on how to make myself feel ok without the (really rather inconsequential) control over my diet and body. There’ll be other ways right? Most people don’t use food. It’s actually kinda sad that anyone does I think. Sad because really, it doesn’t mean anything and no one will read your relationship with food the way you do. No one really notices while you flail around trying to make sense of yourself through eating or not eating. Nothing comes from it and in the end and it doesn’t change you. It’s sad.
My gosh I write long posts. Sorry for being so ramble ramble about it.