stunted.

So this is my sixth attempt at writing a blog post. I literally do have five other posts written and edited that I’m unable to publish.

I think I may have come to a bit of a stale mate with blogging. See, I really like blogging. I like the processes of writing things out for an audience because you get practical feedback, it shows you’re not the only one and, in trying to explain things, thought processes become clearer and it can help find the right course of action. I’ve found the whole process having a blog really useful and I’m not willing to give up entirely yet. Plus there are some nang bloggers I’d like to keep in this peculiar type of contact with.

Problem is, I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to actually publish anything, not for lack of pointless things to say, but because I don’t want anyone to have any sort of opinion on it. I’ve gotten very self-conscious over my internet self. And my actual self. Basically all selves. I can’t post the things I want to say because others might judge me and I’d rather not be judged. I don’t want anyone to have an opinon of me next time I see/type/speak to them. In the grand scheme of blogging, this makes it hard to post. It also makes it hard to comment because I’m pretty sure that anything I have to say will make everyone sigh and think “God, that idiot. Again. Jeez. Leave me alone.” I’ve got blogging anxiety.

I can relate this to my actual life too. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to talk to anyone. I’m deeply ashamed of any interaction I have because I think that every time I do interact with someone, they think I’m an idiot. Then I read into their responses or non-responses as them letting me know I’m an idiot and that they think less of me now. For example, if send a text and get no response, its because I’m infuriating and they have much better things to do then bother with me. I need them more than they need me and they know it and wish they didn’t have to speak to me because I get in the way. If they respond, it’s will hidden digs at me, letting me know that I’m annoying them just by contacting them because they don’t have the time for stupid me. This isn’t some sort of attempt to get you real peeps to treat me different though, because honestly, there is no way to interact with me which doesn’t end up with the same outcome.

A lot of this all comes down to the fact that actually, I’m managing to do remarkably awful right now. Not with food, but other things. Thing is, I can say or post things, but I have no right course of action and I really don’t think I’d be able to follow any practical feedback and honestly, if anyone feels the same way I do, they’d probably be having just as much difficulty trying to communicate it. Social stuff is all just feeding off other things that makes everything horrible and make me actually really scared. But I can’t talk about any of this. Because people might judge. They might think different of me. They might think I’m being too drama or annoying or I’m lying or boring or too difficult etc. And the more you build up all this, the more likely it is to actually happen.

So instead of talking to anyone (like I know I definitely should), I get more and more self-conscious and find it harder and harder to interact with anyone. Maybe this’ll prove the end off my blogging career. Or my social career more generally. I hope not.

Even though this is a little pointless, I’m going to publish this just to prove that I can still click that little blue button.

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7 Comments

Filed under general, rant

7 responses to “stunted.

  1. I like this post…!! you never fail to tell it straight. pure bang honesty. right there!
    you are not annoying, or a burden or anyone of those things that the social anxiety leads you to believe. And you do deserve to communicate without self-doubt. (hard as it may be!) In fact, im gonna write you a nice email back tonight, i dont even CARE that i shud be marking a shedload of exam papers and stressing cos im in the unit today and not at work overseeing my pupils english exam. cos LIFE comes first!!!!
    well actually, getting dressed and drying my hair comes first. SHOOT im gonna be late! gaaaah!!! speak later chickeroo x

    • I really wish I knew how to change these horrible beliefs. I don’t know how though. Especially because when I start thinking “well I could try change these beliefs” I then start thinking “why? So you’ll look like more of an idiot who thinks they’re actually good and makes a fool of themselfs because they think they’re better than they are?” I duno. Brains are properly waste.

      Thank you though. And I hope the unit was ok today :) x.

  2. You had better not disappear missy!

    Only joking, I understand where you’re coming from and your reasons for it but I hope you choose to stay. I can only speak for me, but when you comment on my blog I certainly don’t think “oh, that bloody idiot again…”, I really value your input.

    I love reading your blog because you’ve always got something to say, you don’t post a million times a day so I really don’t think it’s something you need to worry about, post when you want to – don’t when you don’t. If that makes sense? Don’t feel as if you HAVE to blog, but you should know that there are always people who would like to read and give feedback (if needed/wanted – I can promise not to have an opinion if that makes it easier?!). I for one like your internet self, and I’m sure you real life self is pretty damn good too xx

  3. all your posts are good, they are helpful, honest, and I genuinely like YOU. I hope you stay – and I’m sending gentle hugs xxx

  4. So I should not comment on this one because it’ll make you feel more shitty…?

    ..

    Nah can’t. You should know by know I am Queen of Wordvomit. And dear Ellie, however much or little this might mean to you now, I’ve seriously come to appreciate and nooo, yessss, even LIKE you, like, A LOT over the past months. We, and I mean you, Meg, me and now newly adopted Rox and all the other ones out there have gone through all this mess quite simultaneously and it has been more than… liberating? to share with you girls. Quite reassuring that I am NOT the only nutcase in this mess of socalled recovery. And I dont just value you for your seriously intelligent input (which I do, BTW, a lot too!) but also as a goofy, lively chick and person itself! MAN, I sent you a silly Dutch foodpackage across the pond! Never did (or done after that) such an odd thing!

    So, whatever you wanna blurt out, whether it be in mail, on your blog, on the phone, IRL with your friends and fam (who, through your posts, all of us have become to know as incredibly supportive and truuuuly caring peeps!), just do so. Because really Ellie, it’s okay! We all moan and cry and shout and laugh, you know? Somedays a little more of some of them than on others, but that’s okay. Seriously.

    You’re aces (you guys made that word part of my daily vocabulary now!) and I hope you will be able to feel that more and more and more as time goes by. And until then; moan all you want. So do we. Cuz we are just as stupid, suckyjucky, annoying crybabies as you are. Ha.

  5. Hear hear!

    You and Sooz kept me going through this whole thing and I honestly and truly wouldn’t have got as far as I have if it weren’t for you. When the Dr asked how the hell I’d managed a complete turnaround and monster weight gain I said ‘anger, and the internet’ instead of “a londoner and a dutch girl I’ve never met showed me it was possible and helped me through” haha.

    I shall join you both in being sucky cry babies for as long as you’d like :)

    • We are properly cheesy lameos guys. Just saying.

      Serious though, we are pretty nang. it is defos good to not have to think you’re purely on yours js.

      Also can I just say, I really loved my food package :) x.

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