So this is my sixth attempt at writing a blog post. I literally do have five other posts written and edited that I’m unable to publish.
I think I may have come to a bit of a stale mate with blogging. See, I really like blogging. I like the processes of writing things out for an audience because you get practical feedback, it shows you’re not the only one and, in trying to explain things, thought processes become clearer and it can help find the right course of action. I’ve found the whole process having a blog really useful and I’m not willing to give up entirely yet. Plus there are some nang bloggers I’d like to keep in this peculiar type of contact with.
Problem is, I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to actually publish anything, not for lack of pointless things to say, but because I don’t want anyone to have any sort of opinion on it. I’ve gotten very self-conscious over my internet self. And my actual self. Basically all selves. I can’t post the things I want to say because others might judge me and I’d rather not be judged. I don’t want anyone to have an opinon of me next time I see/type/speak to them. In the grand scheme of blogging, this makes it hard to post. It also makes it hard to comment because I’m pretty sure that anything I have to say will make everyone sigh and think “God, that idiot. Again. Jeez. Leave me alone.” I’ve got blogging anxiety.
I can relate this to my actual life too. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to talk to anyone. I’m deeply ashamed of any interaction I have because I think that every time I do interact with someone, they think I’m an idiot. Then I read into their responses or non-responses as them letting me know I’m an idiot and that they think less of me now. For example, if send a text and get no response, its because I’m infuriating and they have much better things to do then bother with me. I need them more than they need me and they know it and wish they didn’t have to speak to me because I get in the way. If they respond, it’s will hidden digs at me, letting me know that I’m annoying them just by contacting them because they don’t have the time for stupid me. This isn’t some sort of attempt to get you real peeps to treat me different though, because honestly, there is no way to interact with me which doesn’t end up with the same outcome.
A lot of this all comes down to the fact that actually, I’m managing to do remarkably awful right now. Not with food, but other things. Thing is, I can say or post things, but I have no right course of action and I really don’t think I’d be able to follow any practical feedback and honestly, if anyone feels the same way I do, they’d probably be having just as much difficulty trying to communicate it. Social stuff is all just feeding off other things that makes everything horrible and make me actually really scared. But I can’t talk about any of this. Because people might judge. They might think different of me. They might think I’m being too drama or annoying or I’m lying or boring or too difficult etc. And the more you build up all this, the more likely it is to actually happen.
So instead of talking to anyone (like I know I definitely should), I get more and more self-conscious and find it harder and harder to interact with anyone. Maybe this’ll prove the end off my blogging career. Or my social career more generally. I hope not.
Even though this is a little pointless, I’m going to publish this just to prove that I can still click that little blue button.