paranoid.

If you ever even mention the word paranoid to mental health professionals, they automatically seem to worry that you’re entering the world of paranoid delusions. I don’t really know where pathological paranoia ends and healthy, normal level paranoia begins, but it can be pretty distressing at any level I think and seeing as I don’t believe the government are watching me through the radio or anything, it gets dismissed as something no one seems to have to worry about.

I think like a lot of people, I get paranoid. Quite often. For me, I think it’s all based on the innate belief that I’m really terrible, so it’s all related to friends and acquaintances. And the problem with paranoia is that it’s kinda untestable, so you can never know if it’s true.

I get really paranoid when I find out two people I introduced to each other talk and hang out without any acknowledgement of my existence. Firstly, it just makes me feel awful. I don’t do anything about it and don’t say anything, but I can’t help the fact that I get incredibly uncomfortable. I like to have some sort of control over what people know about me and the fact that the me I am in one situation might be divulged in another situation makes me feel so unwell. I get really tense and feel sick. Sick seems to be my standard emotion at the moment. I don’t even know if sick is an emotion but I feel it all the time. I like to (incredibly unfairly) have some sort of control over how I’m presented and in these scenarios, I lose it. Thus in a roundabout way, I like to have some level of control over other people’s interactions, which is entirely unfair I know. I don’t act on it because I know it’s wrong and I try to put it behind me and not let it effect my relationships. I won’t pretend it never has any effect, but I really know it’s not acceptable. I get convinced they’re going to talk about me and figure out that I’m not really a coherent person but that I have no real identity and no real personhood. That essentially, there isn’t a me inside and that there isn’t a personality.

I also get really paranoid about the fact that they didn’t go through me for other reasons. I start to feel like they’ve got what they need from me and now don’t want or need me around. That they never really liked me in the first place and now they’re got someone better, I’m not worth it. This is a horrible thought process because I start getting really devastated. People I care about and thought liked me suddenly haven’t got any need for me any more. I’m only worth what I can supply someone with and the links I can help them make. Everyone knows that. Once they’ve got enough, they’ll have no need for me. And eventually I’ll be alone because no one will have any need for me. And I honestly can’t think about it logically. I know that people will read this and say “that’s not true you know” but to me, the logic and evidence all points to the fact that it is. I do look for evidence that it isn’t the case, and only come up against the evidence that I’m not worth the effort and will be ditched at some point once anything I can offer has been exhausted. I offer different people different amounts, so it takes some people longer than others to get through it, but the outcome will be the same in the end. It always is. I become redundant.

It’s a kinda common fact that, more often than not, people bond over their common links, which in these situations do include knowing me. Laughing about me, bitching, gossiping, focusing on everything bad about me and deciding they really just hate me seems like the logical outcome. I become the joke, the annoying one, the ugly one, the needy one. Whatever one I become, it can’t possibly be good. There isn’t really enough good for anyone else to notice. I fully believe that by putting two people together, all their negative and entirely justified opinions of me will be verified as acceptable, relieving them of any guilt that might have in believing their negative, hurtful things. They’ll learn that it’s ok to hate me because other people do too. And thus not only will I lose friends, I’ll gain people who actively dislike me, rather than just not caring enough.

Recently, I’ve also discovered there’s a party hosted by one of my best friends. I’ve not been told about it. Not only have I not been told, but I’ve also been arranging to see her and was the way she got the contact numbers to invite others. It’s not like she’s forgotten, but for whatever reason, she’s decided I shouldn’t be there. Now I don’t know how to feel. It makes me wonder whether I should be annoyed. I thought she really liked me and all that stupid rubbish so I’m hurt she doesn’t want me. At the same time I struggle to place the blame on her at all. I’m not annoyed. She’s just decided that actually, she’s had enough of me. I’d embarrass her in front of her friends. I would be too much effort. I’d bring the party down. Everyone will have a shit time if I show up. She’s discovered that actually, I’m really awful. I’m not worth her time. All of these things make perfect sense to me.

Now I know I probably shouldn’t be annoyed of so critical of myself – there are probably other reasons because people aren’t mean and I’m not as awful as I think I am. Except the thing is, logically I can’t find any evidence that I’m not awful. I am. In every way. Because all I am is a whole load of lies. It’s not like I can possibly be anything else because there’s nothing else inside. Without lies, I’m predominantly hollow. I don’t consciously do it, but it there’s nothing there, you have to make up something appealing enough so that know one notices you don’t actually have an identity and that even your thoughts and memories don’t feel like your own. I lie to myself in my head with my thoughts. Everything in this post seems like a lie even though I’m trying so hard to be honest. I can’t though, because I don’t have genuine thoughts and feelings, only thoughts and feelings I convince myself I have to appear like the person I want to present. I was never even sick. I made it up and acted it out and even convinced myself of it because I wanted to present that to others. I don’t know why I would though. I haven’t got reasons wanting that outcome. But I don’t have anything but lies so that must be a lie too.

Nothing really happens and nothings really true. I have no facts because I watch my life happen without me and I have no personhood or true thought. I know this can’t be true. There has to be some facts. But this is how I experience the world. So I’m paranoid. Paranoid everyone hates me because I can’t even create something good. That everyone knows and can’t wait to forget me. And I can’t find anything that verifies otherwise. Because other people lie so to not hurt your feelings. It makes any of the words anyone ever says inherently untrustable. Obviously, unless they’re being horrible, it’s all lies. The negative stuff is true, but anything positive anyone says to me is probably a lie. Because they’re all so nice that they wouldn’t want to hurt me. But I already know and it hurts me anyway.

Advertisements

8 Comments

Filed under life, recovery

8 responses to “paranoid.

  1. Oh m y god. I just wrote a Sooz-length comment and it vanished. Awesome.

  2. Try again;

    First things first, Ellie, puh-lease promise me this; NEVER start studying philosphy will you!?

    Then, no, I did not think “that’s not true you know”“that’s not true you know” about friends of yours getting together without you there. I thought; I think that too. And I feel it makes perfect sense to think that. I think most people would think it for a split second. We just dont do it for a split second. With us it becomes the truth. They got together without us there. They thus like each other better. They therefore dont like me. They hate me. They’re gossiping about me. I’ll never see them again.

    My brother, who is a lovely puberescent boy with the language and manner to match, once said to me; ‘If they don’t like you, they’re sure as hell not gonna spend their time gossiping about you’. Thanks bro. Point taken.

    With your friends’ party though? Thats just plain weird. Seriously. Are you friends or what?! And it’s not like she’s not inviting you to her family getaway or her second date with her new fling. ITS A PARTY, you invite a BUNCH of people. So I think it’s no more than fair to ask her about why she chose not to invite you. And not just nod your head when she ‘explains’. I think it’s seriously weird. WTF is her problem? Unless she’s planning a surprise party for you, there’s no excuse..

    There’s different types of friends. Some you rarely see or speak but will stay around for a lifetime. Some are shortand intense. But to just turn your back without reason or explanation is just not okay. Battygash

    Smooooooch!

    • It’s for sure not a surpise party for me. I’m sure there’s a good reason. She’s not mean or anything so I’m guessing it made sense to her. Maybe it was only a little party or something. I don’t know

      I know it’s normal to worry, but it’s really upsetting. And scary. I duno. I hope your brother is right. I really really hope.

      I hope I get less preoccupied with this.

      x/

  3. I feel this way too, so I can understand, and a lot of the time we are overthinking things. I agree with what Sooz said, and myself, I think you are a lovely person so a lot of your fears are unfounded. The party thing sounds weird and my first thought is that maybe your friend felt you wouldn’t like to go for some reason? Are you shy at parties? She should have at least given you the option of saying yes or no though *hugs*

    • It’s not so weird. I’m used to it I think. It’s just sad. She probably has a fantastic reason, but I can’t ask because we haven’t talked about it. I am shy at parties so maybe that’s why. I duno though.

      I’m kinda glad other people feel like this. Maybe it is over-thinking. I’m not good at acceptance really. All I do is think and think and think. I hate thinking so much.

      Thank you though x.

  4. Can’t say anything other than what Sooz or Fiona said really, I often feel very similar about things like that and so although I’d love to say “I’m sure they don’t think blah blah blah” – I know I feel the same.

    I do think the party thing is really quite weird, and rude IF there isn’t a perfectly good explanation for it. I really hope there is a good explanation, and I know I’d feel gutted and a wee bit offended if it were me so I’m sorry chick, hope you get an answer to it. Oh, and I really really don’t like people being together when I’m not there because I hate to think what they say about me, so how you’re feeling is natural as far as I’m concerned xx

    • Thank you for this. I hope it’s natural. I think maybe it is, but my brother (who is the only person I really chat to about all this) is so different from me that it makes me feel like I’m thinking wrong. He just doesn’t worry the way I do. I think maybe he is generally more comfy than I am. He seems to deal with social things in a kinda relaxed way.

      I’m so glad I’m not the only one. I think people should be more open and talk more about their thoughts because honestly, sometimes I wonder if it’d make everyone a whole load more comfortable in their heads x.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s