sun is shining.

Sitting here feeling a bit disheartened and listening to my iPod really loud after some impulse iStore (the Citizens! album, which is kinda fun and makes me wana dance and the song Reptile is really enjoyable, and Friends album, which reminds me of being 17 and thinking I was cool listening to new rave and wearing Nike high tops and tacky gold jewellery and too much acid and smoking Silver Benson’s), I figured I’d so something to distract me. Basically, I have acne and I hate it. It’s classified as “moderate” but I don’t really know what that means. All I know is it makes me really upset. If I go to the shop or something, I have to walk looking at the floor so no one sees. Sometimes I forget I have acne and look at a normal level, but if any one looks at me (or God forbid, smile), I assume they are transfixed by (or just laughing at) my ugly face. I then proceed to berate myself for leaving the house because they probably think I don’t realise how awful it is and that I’m an idiot for believing I could let anyone see and that be ok. It makes me cry and it’s not fair.

So I’ve been on a few acne medications. I’m currently on my second anti-biotic as the first one didn’t work and had been using Duac, which is a topical benzyl peroxide and antibiotic. It worked for a bit, but not that well and my acne got worse again, so I now have a new topical – Epiduo (a topical retenoid with benzyl peroxide). It’s actually significantly reduced my spots already, but it could still cause an initial breakout, which would suck, so I wouldn’t place bets on my skin over the next few weeks. It has rave reviews though so I’m optimistic. What it has done for sure though is make my whole face raw. It’s bright red, painful, super sensitive and peeling. It burns all the time and it hurts to speak or eat. I genuinely have like a flaky skin beard. It’s gross. Plus it’ll make me ridiculously sensitive to the sun, and seeing as I already am, that won’t be fun. This effect is kinda normal and expected, but is supposed to subside after the first month, but I’ve been using it for less than a week so it’s gonna get worst before it gets better. I’m so embarrassed and don’t want to see anyone or leave my house. and I’m probably going to have to buy a whole lot of new skin care stuff.

Everything I use is geared to acne so it’s scrubs and low-oil moisturizer and drying ingredients, but it all burns and I don’t think I could stand having skin any drier. However, I also couldn’t stand to cause more acne, so I  need to find super moisturising and good for sensitive skin and non-comedogenic. It’s a big ask. So far, I’ve ordered some Cetaphil face wash which is apparently really gentle and good for acne prone skin, picked up some Ultrabland from Lush which I used to use and is a great cleanser for sensitive souls, and spent an obscene amount of money on Laura Mercier Oil-Free tinted moisturizer with SPF 20 in the hope of covering the redness without causing a breakout, plus the SPF bonus. I think I’m going to get some Celestial moisturizer from Lush because almond oil has a low comedogenic score and is great for sensitive skins as a night moisturizer and on cloudy days, plus  Clinique City Block with SPF 25 for outside days because it’s oil-free and Clinique are known for being gentle and easy on the skin. And if that’s good, they do an SPF 40 one for if it gets really strong sunny. I’m so poor it hurts. The need for new clothes has broken my purse enough, but now my skin hates me.

You can never forget your skins awful if it’s always burning, but if it’ll get my acne under control in the long-term, it’s worth a month of hermitting up in pain and spending more money than I have. I’ll let you know if all this effort works. However, I keep getting distracted from work by looking up various ingredients and reviews and tips and all that on google. So I’m going to try to break out of this obsession and do something else for a bit. Imma do an award! Then maybe try focus on work again.

I got the Sunshine Award a few days ago. Here goes!

The Sunshine Award!

The rules for the Sunshine Award are:

1. Thank the person who nominated you and write a post about it.
2. Answer ten questions about yourself.
3. Pass the award on to 10 or 12 bloggers you enjoy (or I say however many you want!), link to their blogs, and let them know you nominated them.

So basically, I was nominated by Eliza. Thank you! It’s really nice to get awards you know, even if it’s a bit weird. I’ve been reading her blog for a reasonable length of time, but have only recently stopped lurking and actually started commenting etc. I really enjoy reading her blog as I find it positive and honest. She has her own take on recovery and has found what works for her and is pretty good at having an actual life on top of it all. It’s a nice read and recommended by me! :D.



1: Favorite drink?

Alcohol wise, sparkly pink wine and vodka and creamy cocktails. The best one I ever had was in a hotel in Canterbury. It was a banoffee pie cocktail. I don’t know what was in it but it definitely pushed me from slightly tips to fully pissed, though I had a pretty low body mass at that point so got pissed at the mere smell of booze so have no idea if it was even strong. I know there was an actual banana because I saw them mash it up. And lots of milk and cream. And they flaked dark chocolate on top (it was a really posh hotel. The boy took me for Valentine’s last year. I’ve never stayed anywhere as posh. The cocktails were ridiculous).

Non-alcohol wise, I like camomile tea and black coffee. Right now, I like camomile more, but that’s because I’ve decided I don’t want to use sweeteners anymore as they’re hard for your body to digest and can contribute towards bloating. I don’t even think I’m bloated, but they can’t be good for my health and I have lots in coffee and diet coke and sugar-free gum and nicotine gum. However, because it’s me and I’m still too terrified of weight gain, I’m not replacing it with sugar, but rather just taking my coffee straight and black. It’s taken a week and a half so far and I’m still not used to it, but it’s improving.

2: Favorite food?

Honestly, probably garlic bread. It is just so brilliant. Or hummus.

3: Age?


4: Favorite time of day?

Productive early mornings. I like the light in the sky when it’s early and I like it when no ones around and it usually means my sleeping’s is going well and I get lots done in the morning. I’m a morning person. I know it’s not cool, but I function better then. I get angry and irritable and moody and tired at night.

 5: Favorite season?

Autumn or winter. I love crunchy leaves and the crispness of the sky in autumn. I don’t like being really cold, but I like wrapping up in layers and hats and scarves. But autumn doesn’t have snow and snow is brilliant. I duno.

6: Favorite animal?

Slow Lorises. It’s just like slow motion! I love watching them at the zoo. It’s so funny and cute and good. I once watched two trying to get past each other. It was like a hilarious dance. They are too much.

7: Favorite movie?

Top five favorite files –

1) Way of the Gun (it’s a really good action/drama. It’s interesting, violent and well acted. Plus Taye Diggs and Ryan Phillippe are in it and they are both seriously fly lolz)

2) Death to Smoochy (a.k.a. Ed Norton before he turned into an arrogant dicknose and Robin Williams best film. Everyone should watch this film)

3) Last Action Hero (because Arnie fills me with more joy than almost anything else that exists. Even though he’s a Republican. I don’t care)

4) Top Gun (I love Tom Cruise and I love that he’s awful at singing and I love how outrageously gay it is without even trying to be and I love that there are essentially two songs in the whole soundtrack and I love Val Kilmer and it’s existence has probably improved my life more than any other film)

5) My Neighbour Totoro (Cat Bus. Obvs.)

8: Favorite vacation?

Maybe Venice and Rome with my Ma and Pa when I was like 16? That was good. Especially because Italy obviously has the best garlic bread lolz. Venice is actually brilliant as well. We went to the big art festival thing. It’s really, really nice. I also really liked Seville last year. And I really liked my Cornwall holiday before uni because of who was there and how much fun we had.

9: Physical activity?

Yoga. Definitely yoga.

10: Favorite thing?

Top five favourite things.

1) My journals

2) The NHS

3) The London Underground

4) My iPod

5) My Millenium bear beanie baby. I made him his own passport when I went to the states in the 90s that’s how much I loved him. I didn’t want to lose him to immigration controls. That would have sucked.


Honestly, I’ve been mad core biz recently. I’m behind on the blog thing due to peeling face freak out shopping and serious appointment anxiety and all the work I should be doing, so I don’t actually know who’s done this and who’s been nominated. If you’ve not been nominated and you read my blog, you are hereby nominated.

I’ll do a proper post at some point soon. And I am trying to catch up a little. Promise. For right now though, I have some apple and parsnip soup begging to be eaten. So unbelieveably tasty :D.



Filed under life

5 responses to “sun is shining.

  1. Meg

    This gets a like for making a passport for your bear. Too cute x

  2. oh YESSSSSS, finally! someone else who respects the underrated lorises!!! i remember everyone at the zoo being all about the “zeedonk” or the snow leopard and i was like. hellooooo check out this hilarity. they rock the zoo. good call :-)

  3. I travelled the world with my bear. Still take him everywhere. Was a present from ‘the guy I used to live with’ on the first time we ‘met up’ just the two of us. Ahwww haha. And everywhere people were always ridiculously fascinated by this giant chick with the teddybear haha. Awesomeballs.

    And the acnestuff? Oh I remember it so well. The sore, red skin. That benyzlrhsgcjwstuff is horrid (even the acohol smell!! Esp early morning? Ugh). Luckily you’re not too much of a sunbather anyway. But hate the stuff. My brother (love him…) used to call me ‘grand canyon’. Yeah, gotta love teenage brothers.

    And your fav animal! Remided me of my (former? Forgot about the entire animal!) fav animal; koala’s :D Not as slow but def just as cute. When you see them all you just wanna do is put those ginormously long arms around your neck and cuddle!

    (koala)bear hugs!

    • Surprisingly, I really don’t have any problems with BP, but its the retenoid. Seriously. My face snows dry skin. It’s awful. But I managed to go shopping today so hopefully that’ll help. Grr.

      Koalas are so lovely! They have the cutest faces :). Not as cute as lorrrises but pretty darn great.

      Hope you’re well x.

  4. I’ve not read your blog in a while and just had a catch up- I’m so sorry you’re finding things tough. Please don’t let the eating disorder get you back (sorry- not that I have any right to order you around or anything). You’ve come so far and you deserve a zillion times better than the eating disorder will give you.

    Yay for early mornings! The day always feels fresh and exciting and productive for me until about lunchtime, and then I tend to get bored of being awake or something, lol. I also like autumn- the air smells nice (although this one may just be me), the trees turn pretty colours and kicking piles of leaves is the most fun in the world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s