So I want to say “I’m not going to write any more miserable posts about how everything is rubbish” because chances are, that’d turn out to be a lie. I don’t actually want a misery blog though so I’m going to try to keep all my “woe is me” to myself. It’s important to me that what I’m typing is as honest as possible because otherwise, what’s the point? But I’ve said I’m really struggling right now and I don’t see the point in rehashing the same story. It’s been this exact story before and what’s really annoying is that it’s the same people in the same place with the same thoughts and feelings as it was before, just with treatment, recovery and an ex who shouts at me and tell me I’m doing everything wrong and don’t try hard enough. And the absence of help. I had a lot of help from all the people in my life before, but they are all pretty reasonably busy now that we’re not teenagers so they don’t really have the time to help or be in my life in a way that I’ll allow. I think I’m possibly too full on. I can’t seem to hack anyone half in my life. You’re either involved or not and there’s no middle ground. I like people to behave by my rules, and when they don’t I get upset and can’t see them. Even though they’ve done nothing wrong. That kinda leaves most people out of helping as they can’t come over when I’m freaking out or hold my hand when I cry. It sucks that people don’t hold hands. When you’re little, you hold hands all the time with friends and fam and I was basically still doing that till a few years ago, but everyone went to university and you don’t know who’d mind when you’re surrounded by new people and then when everyone comes home you wonder who’s grown out of it. I still hold hands with people who let me when I’m really nervous. I duno though. It sucks that it’s kinda a couple thing when actually, I don’t think it’s remotely romantic, but I’m quite a tactile person and I’m not so keen on hugs anymore because then people know what size I am and can make judgements. Plus the sneaky getting picked up move has left me kinda scarred. Platonic hand holding seems entirely logical to me. It’s entirely safe, within boundaries, tactile support.
This is what happens when I start typing. See I actually have a point I want to get to. Hands have nothing to do with that point, but it popped into my head and I wanted to think about it so I wrote a whole paragraph. I need to start having plans for posts because really, they are far too long. I need to reign my thought process in a little.
So anyway, I went to my GP yesterday. He told me I had to speak to the Access Team. The Access Team told me my GP was wrong and I had to talk to the psychiatrist at the CMHT. I called them and obviously was told by a secretary that someone would get back to me. Seriously, trying to contact a psychiatrist is such a difficult task. I also saw the psychologist today. He told me I looked bundled up which is true because my face is disgusting and I didn’t want him to see, but that just drew more attention to my face. I stuck with it though and wore my hood up and scarf round my mouth and sunglasses the whole time. It was quite warm today so I must have looked like a proper loser, but it’s better than having my face out. He told me I was stuck and need to start challenging my beliefs. That’s all well and good in theory but seriously, how the fuck do you do that? It’s not like these beliefs pop out of nowhere. Honestly, these are the same things I felt for longer than I can remember. What’s annoying is that it’s so arrogant as well. I spend a lot of time thinking about myself and sure it’s not exactly a positive spin, but seriously, there are way more important things in the world than my sorry life. I have guilt for thinking things about myself. That’s not really the point though. The point is that how the fuck do you challenge beliefs? It’s not like food beliefs where you just see what happens when you practically test it. It’s thought beliefs. It is years and years of evidence that turns into fact. Plus how do you even know if your beliefs are wrong? You have to think on some level that they might be wrong to challenge them, but if you just cannot comprehend how they aren’t true, what are you supposed to do? I think this is why the psychologist thinks I’m stuck.
What’s annoying about the psychologist is that for him, this is all kinda new. Never mind the fact that I’ve been trending downwards for a few months because it’s not like I saw him in that time, but also more generally. It really concerns me that this is just what I’ll always do and always feel because this is exactly the same as before. He sees it as a new development. I see it as the same old issues. There’s nothing new about it. He only knows me in this tiny, brief and absolutely bizarre moment in my life when I’m completely numb and disconnected and only think about food, then as my whole body and mind switch on again. It’s such a specific thing and doesn’t really give an accurate portrayal of who a person is. Even in a purely biological sense, that’s a pretty bizarre thing to put your body through and it does impact your brain and hormones in strange ways. None of this is eating disorder driven anymore though really. I still have a lot of hang ups and issues to deal with and am by no means fully recovered, but it’s not the thing that bothers me right now. I guess that’s progress, except it purely feels like I’ve switched one shit thing for another, equally shit thing. Still, it is progress actually, even if right now I honestly don’t know why I bothered. Anyway, it concerns me because I think that I’m going to be like this forever. He asked me what I use to cope. I think that is a naive question to ask someone in recovery from an eating disorder with a known history of self-injury. Getting high, cutting holes in my body, pulling my hair out, punching things, starving myself and exercising till I physically cannot move aren’t exactly killer ideas right now, but they all help me to manage thoughts of how much I suck and help me have a kind of life. He then told me that “they are only short-term fixes” and sure, self-injury and exercise definitely are, but really, you can stay high for an incredible amount of time if you set your mind to it, and you can starve for even longer. I managed to not have to deal with this for a really long time through starving. If it was only a short-term solution, I wouldn’t have gotten so ill. If I had better solutions to the problem, I’d probably use them right now rather than feel horrible, but seeing as I’m trying to not do these things, I have to kinda flail about till I work something out. Shouldn’t that be obvious? I wondered today if he knew what he was talking about. Didn’t solve the fact that I don’t know how to fix it.
Except with medication that now, I’m not allowed to have. The psychiatrist called me back and she thinks that my psychological assessment on Thursday may give me some acute help. How? I asked how and she said it would. I told her how my actual therapy isn’t giving me acute help but she didn’t listen. I asked her if I just have to feel awful for till therapy maybe works and she said “No – your assessment will help” even though I’d told her that I didn’t think it would. I fucking hate taking medications and the fact that I asked really means I’m doing badly. I’m hoping to sneaky sneak past her back and pick up a prescription for the psychiatrist at the EDU next week. I cannot see how an assessment is possibly going to make things anything but worse. I get so worked up about assessments. Urgh. And it took so much fucking courage for me to even ask because I hate calling them up and asking for help. I hate it because I never feel like I deserve help. Well apparently, I don’t.
I don’t feel like I got anywhere or learnt anything in therapy today, though the psychologist tells me I was actually challenging my assumptions – whatever the fuck that means. I also think that’s a shit thing to say to someone. I think it’s shit to tell someone they are stuck. It’s hardly motivational to tell someone that they are unable to move forward. I then cried on the overground like a moron because he asked me things that made me really hurt, yet I refused to cry in front of him. Then being told that I can’t have access to something that sure, won’t fix a damn thing, but might make me able to have a fucking life right now and actually do things and stop upsetting people and stop ruining my relationships, pushed me into full on water works and panic attacks. Medication might not have worked, but I really wanted to try something to make my life a little easier whilst I do the work in therapy to fix things. I duno.
So I came home and did the same thing I’ve done for the past few days which is watch far too much Made in Chelsea on 4od. You know something? It’s really awful. It’s annoying people who really already have enough money that they don’t need royalties from the show, but just actually think their lives are that interesting. Every single person is irritating. Yet it’s pretty numbing and easy to watch. Plus you don’t have to look at it as nothing happens, so I’ve been sewing at the same time to keep my hands busy.
At some point I have to be able to do more than watch bad catch up television and sew.
See I know this isn’t exactly a positive, upbeat post, but I actually think this is a lot less “I HATE MY LIFE.” I’m thinking of doing some more abstract, what helped me in recovery posts maybe. Break from life posts. I duno. Most of the people who read this are probably more interested in recovery and eating disorder stuff than how much I suck. I duno. Lemme know if you hate the idea.
I really wish blogs had chat. I want to chat, but actual chat rooms are full of twelve-year-old boys who pretend to be seventeen so they can “enter private chat” with fourteen year old girls who think they might find someone who older, more mature and understands them. There should be chat for only cool people. I don’t know how you’d enforce that membership rule though, and it’d probably exclude me. I’m kinda lame.
I haven’t even got to my point you know, but this post will be under 2,000 words so I guess I’ll get to it some other time. Must learn to be concise and keep on task.
And for no reason other than I think everyone should have this in their life, plus you know, it’s motivational quitting music. And also she’s my new music obsession –