stuck.

So I want to say “I’m not going to write any more miserable posts about how everything is rubbish” because chances are, that’d turn out to be a lie. I don’t actually want a misery blog though so I’m going to try to keep all my “woe is me” to myself. It’s important to me that what I’m typing is as honest as possible because otherwise, what’s the point? But I’ve said I’m really struggling right now and I don’t see the point in rehashing the same story. It’s been this exact story before and what’s really annoying is that it’s the same people in the same place with the same thoughts and feelings as it was before, just with treatment, recovery and an ex who shouts at me and tell me I’m doing everything wrong and don’t try hard enough. And the absence of help. I had a lot of help from all the people in my life before, but they are all pretty reasonably busy now that we’re not teenagers so they don’t really have the time to help or be in my life in a way that I’ll allow. I think I’m possibly too full on. I can’t seem to hack anyone half in my life. You’re either involved or not and there’s no middle ground. I like people to behave by my rules, and when they don’t I get upset and can’t see them. Even though they’ve done nothing wrong. That kinda leaves most people out of helping as they can’t come over when I’m freaking out or hold my hand when I cry. It sucks that people don’t hold hands. When you’re little, you hold hands all the time with friends and fam and I was basically still doing that till a few years ago, but everyone went to university and you don’t know who’d mind when you’re surrounded by new people and then when everyone comes home you wonder who’s grown out of it. I still hold hands with people who let me when I’m really nervous. I duno though. It sucks that it’s kinda a couple thing when actually, I don’t think it’s remotely romantic, but I’m quite a tactile person and I’m not so keen on hugs anymore because then people know what size I am and can make judgements. Plus the sneaky getting picked up move has left me kinda scarred. Platonic hand holding seems entirely logical to me. It’s entirely safe, within boundaries, tactile support.

This is what happens when I start typing. See I actually have a point I want to get to. Hands have nothing to do with that point, but it popped into my head and I wanted to think about it so I wrote a whole paragraph. I need to start having plans for posts because really, they are far too long. I need to reign my thought process in a little.

So anyway, I went to my GP yesterday. He told me I had to speak to the Access Team. The Access Team told me my GP was wrong and I had to talk to the psychiatrist at the CMHT. I called them and obviously was told by a secretary that someone would get back to me. Seriously, trying to contact a psychiatrist is such a difficult task. I also saw the psychologist today. He told me I looked bundled up which is true because my face is disgusting and I didn’t want him to see, but that just drew more attention to my face. I stuck with it though and wore my hood up and scarf round my mouth and sunglasses the whole time. It was quite warm today so I must have looked like a proper loser, but it’s better than having my face out. He told me I was stuck and need to start challenging my beliefs. That’s all well and good in theory but seriously, how the fuck do you do that? It’s not like these beliefs pop out of nowhere. Honestly, these are the same things I felt for longer than I can remember. What’s annoying is that it’s so arrogant as well. I spend a lot of time thinking about myself and sure it’s not exactly a positive spin, but seriously, there are way more important things in the world than my sorry life. I have guilt for thinking things about myself. That’s not really the point though. The point is that how the fuck do you challenge beliefs? It’s not like food beliefs where you just see what happens when you practically test it. It’s thought beliefs. It is years and years of evidence that turns into fact. Plus how do you even know if your beliefs are wrong? You have to think on some level that they might be wrong to challenge them, but if you just cannot comprehend how they aren’t true, what are you supposed to do? I think this is why the psychologist thinks I’m stuck.

What’s annoying about the psychologist is that for him, this is all kinda new. Never mind the fact that I’ve been trending downwards for a few months because it’s not like I saw him in that time, but also more generally. It really concerns me that this is just what I’ll always do and always feel because this is exactly the same as before. He sees it as a new development. I see it as the same old issues. There’s nothing new about it. He only knows me in this tiny, brief and absolutely bizarre moment in my life when I’m completely numb and disconnected and only think about food, then as my whole body and mind switch on again. It’s such a specific thing and doesn’t really give an accurate portrayal of who a person is. Even in a purely biological sense, that’s a pretty bizarre thing to put your body through and it does impact your brain and hormones in strange ways. None of this is eating disorder driven anymore though really. I still have a lot of hang ups and issues to deal with and am by no means fully recovered, but it’s not the thing that bothers me right now. I guess that’s progress, except it purely feels like I’ve switched one shit thing for another, equally shit thing. Still, it is progress actually, even if right now I honestly don’t know why I bothered. Anyway, it concerns me because I think that I’m going to be like this forever. He asked me what I use to cope. I think that is a naive question to ask someone in recovery from an eating disorder with a known history of self-injury. Getting high, cutting holes in my body, pulling my hair out, punching things, starving myself and exercising till I physically cannot move aren’t exactly killer ideas right now, but they all help me to manage thoughts of how much I suck and help me have a kind of life. He then told me that “they are only short-term fixes” and sure, self-injury and exercise definitely are, but really, you can stay high for an incredible amount of time if you set your mind to it, and you can starve for even longer. I managed to not have to deal with this for a really long time through starving. If it was only a short-term solution, I wouldn’t have gotten so ill. If I had better solutions to the problem, I’d probably use them right now rather than feel horrible, but seeing as I’m trying to not do these things, I have to kinda flail about till I work something out. Shouldn’t that be obvious? I wondered today if he knew what he was talking about. Didn’t solve the fact that I don’t know how to fix it.

Except with medication that now, I’m not allowed to have. The psychiatrist called me back and she thinks that my psychological assessment on Thursday may give me some acute help. How? I asked how and she said it would. I told her how my actual therapy isn’t giving me acute help but she didn’t listen. I asked her if I just have to feel awful for till therapy maybe works and she said “No – your assessment will help” even though I’d told her that I didn’t think it would. I fucking hate taking medications and the fact that I asked really means I’m doing badly. I’m hoping to sneaky sneak past her back and pick up a prescription for the psychiatrist at the EDU next week. I cannot see how an assessment is possibly going to make things anything but worse. I get so worked up about assessments. Urgh. And it took so much fucking courage for me to even ask because I hate calling them up and asking for help. I hate it because I never feel like I deserve help. Well apparently, I don’t.

I don’t feel like I got anywhere or learnt anything in therapy today, though the psychologist tells me I was actually challenging my assumptions – whatever the fuck that means. I also think that’s a shit thing to say to someone. I think it’s shit to tell someone they are stuck. It’s hardly motivational to tell someone that they are unable to move forward. I then cried on the overground like a moron because he asked me things that made me really hurt, yet I refused to cry in front of him. Then being told that I can’t have access to something that sure, won’t fix a damn thing, but might make me able to have a fucking life right now and actually do things and stop upsetting people and stop ruining my relationships, pushed me into full on water works and panic attacks. Medication might not have worked, but I really wanted to try something to make my life a little easier whilst I do the work in therapy to fix things. I duno.

So I came home and did the same thing I’ve done for the past few days which is watch far too much Made in Chelsea on 4od. You know something? It’s really awful. It’s annoying people who really already have enough money that they don’t need royalties from the show, but just actually think their lives are that interesting. Every single person is irritating. Yet it’s pretty numbing and easy to watch. Plus you don’t have to look at it as nothing happens, so I’ve been sewing at the same time to keep my hands busy.

At some point I have to be able to do more than watch bad catch up television and sew.

See I know this isn’t exactly a positive, upbeat post, but I actually think this is a lot less “I HATE MY LIFE.” I’m thinking of doing some more abstract, what helped me in recovery posts maybe. Break from life posts. I duno. Most of the people who read this are probably more interested in recovery and eating disorder stuff than how much I suck. I duno. Lemme know if you hate the idea.

I really wish blogs had chat. I want to chat, but actual chat rooms are full of twelve-year-old boys who pretend to be seventeen so they can “enter private chat” with fourteen year old girls who think they might find someone who older, more mature and understands them. There should be chat for only cool people. I don’t know how you’d enforce that membership rule though, and it’d probably exclude me. I’m kinda lame.

I haven’t even got to my point you know, but this post will be under 2,000 words so I guess I’ll get to it some other time. Must learn to be concise and keep on task.

And for no reason other than I think everyone should have this in their life, plus you know, it’s motivational quitting music. And also she’s my new music obsession –

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13 Comments

Filed under life, rant, recovery

13 responses to “stuck.

  1. I hate how no one in the system knows how the system works, r.e your GP telling you to contact the wrong people. I also hate how getting hold of a psychiatrist is impossible. This adds to feelings of “stuck”.

    I cannot believe that you’re stuck, I dont think this was helpful in the slightest.
    Your assessment might help, from your writing, seems like they want to assess you for something else, not just ED related mental health problems. Might, though, is not a big enough word to hold on hope for.
    Totally with you on the medications being totally awful. I hate them, and I like you, hate when I start feeling like I want to take them/want an increase/want to change them because I know my heads in the shed. I say things like, “Give me anything, I’m just sick of me right now”.
    I absolutely hate assessments, that my mental health and treatment are based on how I feel that day, it was easier with an ED, even though I didn’t feel “thin” or that my weight was “that bad”, it was easier for them to see that I was ill without having to say anything. Now they expect me to totally explain every single thing I feel, and then I think they think I am making it up because I’m not feeling everything on that particular day. It’s particularly hard when you feel up and down like I seem to experience, to be up, and explain the down, or be down and explain the crazy up.

    The recovery type posts is a good idea, in fact, I was thinking about doing the same thing, and analysing some of my old posts. However, if you’re like me, then you probably do not feel safe talking about this stuff on your blog to anyone else. Hence, it is probably “healthy” to speak so openly and honestly about how you feel when you need to. Don’t feel like anyone will think any different of you for doing so. I wouldn’t. I do exactly the same thing.

    You could always start a Skype type account where group chat exists and where no 12 year old boys are in it. I would defo add you.
    As always I wish I could offer you better advice/real hugs/answers.
    Hugs lovely xxx

    • They are assessing me for something else, but no one says what it is. They just talk about possible diagnosis, but no one seems to be willing to make an actual commitment to diagnosing me. I don’t know why and I don’t know where to go to find someone to actually diagnose me. And it’s annoying because having the diagnosis would make my own decisions and opinions on treatment clearer and I’d know whether I was getting the best treatment for my problems. Argh. So annoying. And because it’s personality disorders that they’re focusing on, effective treatment isn’t the same as it is for depression or anxiety or anything, and CBT isn’t the most effetive therapuetic technique. Argh. I will post on it though.

      You’re entirely right about ED assessments though. The thing that annoys me about it though is that the way they present themselves means that you don’t get a full psychiatric assessment when being assessed for an ED. They say “what’s your current difficulties?” and you say “I eat like a crazy person” and go from there. Which essentially means you enter mental health services without a comprehensive assessment of other issues. Now it’s really difficult to find a psychiatrist willing to sit down and do a full assessment. Argh. So annoying.

      Yer I’m thinking of maybe doing a recovery tips style thing, except not tips so much because I don’t think I’m in any position to give tips. But some things have been more successful for me and I got good feedback on my post about clothes so maybe that’s what I’ll do. I duno.

      It’d be good to have some sort of skype-ish thng. Except I don’t really understand skype. I understand chatrooms and MSN messenger except I don’t have MSN anymore. Somewhere along the line I stopped all that IM business. I just think how useful would it be to have a place to just go “IM FREAKING OUT” at and then have actual responses, rather than just freaking out alone. I duno. It’s silly really.

      x.

      • Aye, when I say tips, I mean like “this is what is helping me”. I find my posts tend to do this, feel like crap – feel even more like crap – this is why i felt like crap – this is what I can do next time. I started doing it for myself in the future because I was sure that I would relapse at some stage (defeatist).

        R.e the actual diagnosis thing, my dweeb [lol] said to me that they wouldnt even consider diagnosing me with anything else unless Ive been recovered for “x” amount of time. He wouldnt say how long. “Keep an eye on it, it might be somewhat normal, i.e your brain takes a long time to catch up with body health”.
        However, I think I have to go back with my CPN and stuff.

        I like skype, it’s like MSN only “less chav”. It’s not silly, sounds like a good idea for the place to reach out when you feel like crap. Have you thought about making a forum or something?! You could control who was invited etc.

        Hugs! x

  2. I think you should write about whatever you feel like writing about. Most people in recovery probably think they suck- we all have a reasons for getting an ED, after all. More abstract posts would be great, but don’t feel ashamed to complain either. I love having my blog as an outlet to complain.

    I’m sorry you haven’t been able to get much help. Maybe they’ll give you medication or something at your assessment? I can completely relate to the feeling that ED stuff is no longer an issue but you still feel terrible. At the start of recovery I thought that once I reached a healthy weight everything would be amazing and perfect and wonderful, for some reason (I don’t know why- maybe just needed something to hope for). It will get better, though- it just takes a while to work through these things. (I think everything I just said was said better on ‘recovery after weight restoration’ on giantfossilisedarmidillo.com, but whatever.)

    Challenging core beliefs about yourself isn’t completely different from challenging food beliefs. I basically didn’t speak to anyone for most of high school or the first two years at university, because I couldn’t comprehend how anyone could not hate me. Then when I moved into a new house 2 years ago (at the start of a ‘year in industry’ placement) and when I moved into a new house at the start of this year, I just forced myself to spend time with people. I felt ridiculously awkward and anxious and out of place- just waiting point out that I didn’t belong and I couldn’t have friends.There were so many moments when I felt that everyone else got on better with each other than with me, and I’d never belong anywhere. There are still plenty of days I feel like that, tbh- but my point is that they didn’t automatically hate me, and so now I’ve come to accept that maybe I do have a chance of not being hated. Obviously everyone is different and your issues aren’t the same as mine (for a start, you do have friends), but my point is that it is possible to change things you didn’t realise were changeable and that people don’t hate you.

    Sorry for the long comment. Sending you hugs, and I really hope that whatever they give you at the assessment makes a difference.

    • Blogs are totally great outlets you’re right. Imma see what happens. I’m undecided. Plus I don’t know if I actually have the insight to be less self-absorbed. Hmm.

      i know that weight restoration kinda sucks for a bit and needs times to settle, but I thought it would be different. I duno why either. It’s just hard because I feel like everything I stopped having to worry about when I decided to worry about how much I weigh is back and I honestly didn’t think it would be. It’s probably like that for a lot of people though. I duno.

      I was exactly the same as you in uni. I literally made one friend in uni. I’m lucky though because I came home to all my old friends and they’re all pretty great. On my MA course, I actually have no friends though. It’s been two years, but I didn’t talk to anyone at all. It’s sad really. I have no uni friends though. I do try and see my friends, but it often just makes matters worse. I tried at it for a few months, but it was just getting worse and worse because I was putting myself in situations which further entrenched my beliefs about myself. I duno. It’s just that the fallout from being social gets longer and harder to the extent that it’s almost not worth knowing anyone right now. It’s hard. Maybe I should get out of my isolation a bit again. I duno. I wish I’d made friends in the last 6 years. It actually upsets me because it’s like I’ve ruined all my chances to meet new people and now I won’t meet any. It’s like I’ve wasted my big opportunity. I duno.

      I like long comments because I leave long comments so do not worry about it :)

      Love x.

  3. arabelladesiderium

    I don’t remember how I stumbled upon your blog, as I’ve never had an eating disorder. I stuck around because even if you think everyone thinks your rubbish, I think you’re pretty cool :) Anyway, I can definitely relate to posts like this. I had gone to a psychologist for awhile a few years ago, and I definitely relate to your social anxiety (I’ve actually never met anyone else with social anxiety, it’s oddly comforting). I think your psychologist is noticing “development” because you are starting to challenge your beliefs – you have these thoughts and you’re saying “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. These aren’t right. I need to do something about this.” That’s a good thing. I think he’s looking for action, like taking off your scarf and hood even if you’re self-conscious about your face, as you’ll notice that nobody is really staring at you or giving you weird looks. It’ll be stressful at first, but you will get comfortable with it. At least that’s what has helped me a lot with my social anxiety, just doing what scares me and realizing that all of my thoughts were unfounded.

    Anyway, I don’t want to be too long-winded, but if you do want to talk sometime you can always send me an email: ArabellaDesi (at) gmail (dot) com. If you’ve having trouble finding someone to talk to sometime, just send an email, I’m sure getting all of it out will make you feel better.

    I think you’re doing great, you just need to keep pushing forward! Things are always going to get hardest right before they start to get better, you’ll get through it.

    • Thank you! That makes me smile.

      I’m hoping that soon I will no longer need scarf and hood. My face is actually improving though. It’s my acne meds that make me have to hide so completely. When I saw him, my face was actually scabbing as it’d got so raw, but I think it’s starting to get less raw now, which is good. Apparently it takes about a month to settle and that’d make sense because it’s been like 2 weeks of getting worse, so hopefs. it’l be two weeks of improvement. Trust though, scabby faces I think do get weird looks. But aside from the face thing, you are right in that anxiety can only be challenged practically. I don’t think you can think yourself out of anxiety problems if that makes sense.

      And also, thank you. That’s really nice of you.

      Hope you are well x.

  4. “there are more important things in the world than my sorry life” -Would you go back to this post: http://mundanebrain.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/feeling-feelings/ and read your own comment? Because I cannot say it better than that

    And I think calling SI,starving, getting high, excercise etc “short term fixes” (as your psych does too) is rather silly. I don’t consider any of those to be fixes, whatever term. They might be distractions (which, I think, are always short term), but they are by no means fixes of any kind.

    And we totally should start a group chat. Like, does anyone still have Messenger anymore? Or IM?

    And I’d hold your hand any time. And hug you too. And about the wanting to cover up thing, I once read that someone would wear a head when they’d feel they ‘had to’. Sometimes a small hat, like a cap or something, but when you’d feel really awful just wear one of those winter hats with those earcoveringblob-thingies. It would make you feel safer. Like in that awful movie with that Adam Sandler guy where he makes his son put on his ‘magic glasses’ or ‘invisible glasses’ or something. And honestly, when I feel like I can’t go out in public, I wear something with long sleeves (or extra fingerless gloves) to hide my hands in. I don’t particularly have anything against my hands, but curling up in mt sleeves somehow makes me feel a bit more invisible and more safe.. Thats really shitty non-advice I know…

    Big hugs

    • I don’t have any for of IM. What one is good you reckon? Roxy says skype. I duno. It’s all a little confusing to me. I’m bad at the internet in general. I think we should though.

      In generally, I’m not one for hiding my body. I basically step out the house and put on my “I’m one hot woman and I’m going to flaunt it” face and go. It works too! I think it’s to do with my music. Music means I’m not in my mind and headphones drown out noise and thoughts so I stride. I’ve realised I probably shouldn’t do this though. I get weird man attention. It’s not comfy. It’s just because of my topical that I have to hide so much right now. Seriously, my face is awful in a skin issue way. It’s not even just spots, it’s the peelings and the redness and the scabs and flaking. It’s horrible right now. But I think it’s starting to improve :). I just have to wait till my face gets accustom to my new meds.

      They’re definitely not fixes, but they do work. I think though that I was really stable whilst restricting and exercising. Obviously, it was completely mental and no fun and dangerous, but I was more mentally stable. Pre-ED I was really out of it unstable, but I found my mood way more manageable for like years, which is pretty long term. Not a fix though. It’s just it’s own problem and doesn’t solve much. Plus it’s not sustainable. There comes a point where it just sucks so much you’re in an equally shit place. I dino.

      Hopefully I’ll find good coping mechanisms at some point. Fingers crossed.

      x.

      • Yeah but there’s a difference between a ‘fix’ and a ‘distraction’ for sure (well, at least I think so)

        I duno, never had IM, it never made it in Holland. Used to have messsenger. Dont have it anymore but when I check my mail, I automatically log onto webmessenger. Dont know how to undo that bbut I guess I still have some account then? We could try that? Or as Roxy suggested a forum or something? And is skype typing as well or only calling? I have no headphonegearstuffs on my new laptop! (plus calling freaks me out but Im 23, need to get over that already haha)

  5. Hey,

    I often lurk on your blog and read your posts (I really liked your clothes one, I now LIVE in baggy tops and leggings!) I’m struggling through recovery too, with very little support, and it’s nice to know I’m not alone in this. I have no idea what makes it so hard, weight gain? Feelings? Change to my rigid routine? Gah! Life is hard!

    And I think this post is honest. Recovery isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, I’ve recently started recovery, and it’s harder than anorexia at times. I hate the utter despair. I just remember, I’m me again, not the cake obsessed zombie who walked for miles and miles and existed on vegetables and low cal hot chocolate… I’ve come a long way!

    I just hope you feel better soon. Just remember that this doesn’t last forever (crap advice, but it helps me!)

    • Baggy tops and leggings are the one. Serious. Though saying that, I am in a particularly good outfit today and it’s definitely a crop top. Sometimes I break my own rules :)

      You are right though, because although I might actually have difficulties, at least I am me, which means I can fix those difficulties. It might not be better, but it is progress. It’s hard to tell sometimes because you get all caught up in feeling sorry for yourself if that makes sense.

      I hope this doesn’t last forever, I’m just worrying about it. A lot of the things I find really difficult are problems I’ve had since long before my ED began and they’re just back again. It’s annoying and I’m scared it’s just how I am.

      You know what though, I cannot believe how much I convinced myself that lol-cal hot chocolate was good. Everytime I have it now, I’m just so disappointed. What is even the point? There are definiely good things about recovery :).

      Thanks for the comment x.

  6. Keep going…. do we have any other option anyway? <3 <3 <3

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