I’m going to start with something really fucking positive.
Today I look properly fucking sick. At least in my opinion anyway. I have been wearing a properly boom outfit and my face is improving. I ordered a new moisturizer which came yesterday and it masks the scaling and scabbing enough to actually put on makeup. Plus I think I may have peaked in terms of skin revolt as it burns slightly less and I think less of my face (though still a lot of it) is flaking off. I wore my blue and white vertical striped jeans with a white crop top and an orange crotched crop over the top all baggy like, with lots of hilariously trashy jewellery, my DMs and my old camo jacket, multi-coloured fingernails, bare black eyeliner and orange lipstick. I looked really great when I was marching to my appointment today. My idea of really great though is probably a little bit strange, so anyone that saw me might think I looked like a weirdo. I don’t care that much though because I had my headphones on and I was listening to music and dancing and strutting and essentially performing my way to hospital for my psychological assessment. Negative body image be damned!
Sometimes I think I should put more effort into blending in. I draw a lot of attention, which in some ways is good because people actually look at you so if you drop something, other people generally point it out because they notice. Mostly though, I get weird men. Today I was followed by a man who persistently shouted at me to talk to him for a few blocks. When I had to tie my lace he just stood next to me. I had my headphones on so ignored him semi-politely. I think that if I tried more to blend in, I’d probably get less weirdos. I’m not trying to blend in though. I’m mostly trying to look really great.
Anyway, I had my assessment. I hate assessments. I get really nervous and tense. I was being assessed for the best type of psychological treatments, so it wasn’t a proper psychiatric assessment. I keep getting told by various mental health professionals’ bits and pieces of what they think might be wrong with me. I talk a lot on this blog about my experiences of anorexia and recovery, but I don’t often talk about what came before that. Mostly because I don’t know what was going on then. I think like a lot of people with eating disorders, I’ve not been the world’s happiest person. I’ve been pretty sad for quite a while. I’ve acted in strange ways and done strange things. Especially with (or mostly, at) other people. The fact that it completely involves my relationships to others means I’m not all that comfy blogging about a lot of these things. I’m deeply ashamed of the ways I acted to others. Serious shame. I find it really hard to talk about, even within treatment settings. And it’s been happening for a really long time. The first time I remember acting in this kinda way was in primary school. It caused me a lot of problems too – mostly with how I view myself, but I know my behaviours can really push people away. It’s not cool. I do weird things mostly because I fully believe I’m rubbish, but also because I don’t like it when people go so have to give them reasons to stay. I’ve done a lot of strange things to get people to stay. Sometimes it fails, sometimes it works, but it makes me feel like shit. I really don’t want to go into too much in a public way, mostly because it has involved people who read this blog. It embarrasses me too much.
What sucks though is that all of this stopped with my eating disorder. It peaked in first year of uni, then stopped almost as soon as I came off citalopram and started actively losing weight. I honestly thought I’d got more in control of my emotions and actions. The problem is that it’s starting to sneak back into my life and it kinda feels like picking up where I left off. It’s not quite so bad, but I don’t know if that’s because of the citalopram or I am actually slightly better now or that it just hasn’t got there yet or because I’m not letting myself or because there isn’t anyone close enough to me to act that way again. I don’t know. I feel it in me though and I find it quite scary and hard.
Basically, this is what my treatment outside of my EDU is trying to focus on. I get a lot of possibles in my treatment with the CMHT and psychological services. The same possibles keep popping up though and although no one will make a firm diagnosis, I’m keep getting told I exhibit symptoms of a personality disorder, which is kinda scary. I’d need another psychiatric assessment to get a firm diagnosis, but it gets mentioned by the CMHT psychiatrist and SHO, plus it actually fits with my experiences. This essentially means that the new therapy I’ll be starting in a few months (fucking waiting lists) is hopefully going to be more DBT based, although it will be combined with CBT. I’m also being referred to mindfulness group, but the woman that assessed me doesn’t know if that is even going to run again so it might never happen. It’d be pretty strange, but maybe good. The idea of it is pretty scary, but I duno. I’m also kinda hopeful. I feel like I’ve not been ok for quite a while and I don’t really know why or what’s been wrong with me. I’ve kinda felt like I’ve just been exaggerating. Except if it’s something that I can fix that’d be great. Regardless of formal diagnosis status, what seems to be getting pieced together is that I have got significant problems on the personality disorder spectrum that need and are going to get attention. That makes me feel kinda relieved. Maybe I’ll actually get to a point where I can actually be comfortable. I’m scared, but hopeful.
I’m going to do a private post now. I know it’s annoying, but I’d like to do some active explaining and thinking, but don’t want a lot of this known by people actually in my life. Sorry. It’s going to be pretty past heavy though, and a lot of you were there so I wouldn’t worry. I’m pretty open with passwords if I don’t actually know you though, so feel free to set me a comment to ask.