“just facing facts – your face isn’t right.”

I don’t have all that many pictures from when I was really ill, which I think is good. All of the pictures from when I was at my absolute worst involve sunglasses or being miserable so they aren’t particularly useful for this effort. Plus they are all actually really horrible. My face really shouldn’t have that little fat on it. It’s not very nice.

I did manage to find one that although isn’t the worst time, I was definitely restricting and pretty unwell. I was happy in that moment though I think. I was on a weekend away, drinking pretentious cocktails with the Boy that I loved and I was glad. This is actually a really good picture from that time period. I might not be healthy, but jeez, I don’t look half as bad as I do in some of the others. Probably because I’m genuinely feeling ok, and also it’s an ok angle, I’d eaten a big dinner and I’m not in my glasses. This is me smiling.

This was taken indoors. You wouldn’t think that with those layers on.

This next one is a picture of me today. I was laughing a lot and having a nice time. I’m pretty sad most of the time,  but I was enjoying myself at this moment. I’d just figured out the mode on my camera that takes loads of pictures really quickly and I was pulling faces at it to see how my face moved in picture form. Most of the pictures are awful, but it was totally fun and I got some happy looking ones because I was laughing in between gurns. I got my smiling widget one in the same set. This is me smiling today.

Today.

Neither of these pictures are particularly nice and I really don’t like my face, but that isn’t the point of this exercise. I figured that all the people who it would actually matter to me what they thought of my face have already seen my face lots and lots of times with and without make up, dirty, whilst I’m so trashed I can’t see, the morning after etc. The rest of you can think what you like and chances are, I’ll never have to deal with it. I don’t feel uglier then all of you because I don’t know what most of you look like and I don’t think I need to impress any of you seeing as you’re mostly girls and I don’t fancy any of you. Trust me as well, I do really see the flaws so don’t think I’m so stupid I haven’t noticed. I wanted to pick some that were kinda similar to each other give the right idea, but in doing so I lost a bit of possible dramatic effect from putting up some hideous, no make-up, gaunt face. Also, I don’t really like dwelling on the worst and most emaciated I have looked. I hope you see what I mean anyway.

I think that there’s a whole lot of worry about appearance in recovery, and when you’re really sick as well. At least for me there was. I don’t think my restriction was purely to be thin because I think very much that not eating and exercising calms me down a lot and makes the world easier to manage for a bit, but I thought of my weight loss in terms of aesthetic. I could recognise I wasn’t objectively large, but still felt I’d look better smaller. It’s made weight gain pretty awful and I cannot stand my body on most days, but it’s gets less important I think and it affects me less as I get used to just being this size.

Recovery has wrecked my skin something rotten and it still flakes, but I went to my G.P. and Epiduo seems to be doing the trick with keeping the spots away. My beauty regime of Cetaphil face wash and SPF 15 moisturiser in the day, Clinique City Block SPF 40 if it’s sunny, followed by Ultrabland to cleanse, followed by Vanishing Cream at night have made my skin less dry than it would be otherwise, and my Laura Mercier oil free tinted moisturiser SPF 20 makes my skin look almost normal.

With acne and body image and all that rubbish, it’s easy to forget that actually, my face looks a hell of a lot better now. My cheeks and all full and round and pink and I look less tired and drawn. All things considered, that probably makes me look better regardless of how horrid my skin is and how fat I feel. I look healthier and happier and just generally nicer. I moan about my body and face, but my face is definitely nicer than it was the last few years regardless of the spots, and that’s the first thing people notice anyway.

Plus also, I’ve really got to get over the fact I don’t want anyone to see my face so I thought it might help a little bit. Shove my face in your throats in the hope that it’ll make it easier for me to actually see some of you.

I should stop focusing on every part of me I think is worse and start looking at what’s better. I’m going to have positive body image if it kills me I swear.

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11 Comments

Filed under life, recovery

11 responses to ““just facing facts – your face isn’t right.”

  1. Meg

    Pretty pretty lady! Along with the positive body image, get yourself some face lovin’ as well because you’re gorgeous.

    Now, I know I’ve only seen your face and stomach – but they add up to one lovely lady. I wish you could see it like a stranger would, from the way you talked about your face I wouldn’t have been surprised if there was a photo of Quasimodo or the Elephant Man up there.

    Big fan of your brows. x

    • I hate my face, but it’s going to be my face forever so I have to deal with it at some point. It’s wonky. So do wonky. But I’m going to be ok with it because I kinda have to be. I duno. I’m just going to keep trying till I get there. I don’t have to like it, but I do have to accept it.

      I’m really glad people notice my absolutely fantastic brows though because genuinely, they are one of the only things I think are really great about my appearane. Eyebrows are the one for sure.

      Hope you’re doing ok. You haven’t posted in a while is all x.

      • Meg

        Brows are the first thing I notice on a person, and yours passed the test with flying colours!

        I’m ok ta, nothing much happening here and don’t want to post just saying ‘I feel sad’. Ha! Will probs post tomorrow though x

  2. I know this wasn’t the intention of your posting, but I’d just like to say, I think you are really pretty!

  3. I think you look glowy and beautiful :)
    Wishing you all the best in recovery, and really glad you’re feeling healthier – btw I use Sudocrem (the thick baby lotion) on dry skin or spots and it’s a miracle worker! x

  4. Wow! You are really pretty! I know it’s not the point of the post but still. Massive brow envy!

    You glow in your pictures, like you look healthy! I don’t think your skin looks bad at all! Mine is a nightmare! I went from really dry and flakey when I was severely restricting to just pure grease! Argh! I shine!

    Also, your ill picture, not as bad as some night out ones of me. I’m all white and gaunt! Urgh! Not nice! It amazes me I had the energy to go out… (I think I was ‘allergic to alcohol’ at this point.)

    Body image does feed my ED too, it didn’t cause it but I can relate. Seeing a healthy looking me in the mirror and having a woman’s body again is strange…

    Hope you’re ok!

    x

    • My skin is doing a lot better, but I’m wearing a fair amount of tinted moisturiser. It’s taken Epiduo and antibiotics to get it to this level, but I too went from clear, but dry skin to just bare acne. It’s an improvement now for sure, but I’ve been perfecting skin care regimes for a while now.

      Thank you on the brow comment. They are one of my top 5 things about my appearance. I actually really like a good strong brow :).

      There are seriously worse pictures I could put up from restricting, but to be honest, they aren’t something I want to share really. Some of my really low weight pictures have me sporting some facial fuzz. Not a good look lolz.. I picked nice one in the hope of proving that even when you don’t look so bad, you still look pretty horrible if that makes sense. I duno if it does.

      Healthy bodies are totally strange I agree. It’s taking so much work to get not all that used to it yet. Hoping to get there though.

      Thank you though x.

  5. Hey – I’ve been following your blog now for a while and really feel for you/empathise with you as a fellow ana sufferer/in recoverer and also having had a ridiculous bout of acne (ended up on Roaccutane – have you heard of it?). If you feel able, I’d really like a chance to read your pw-protected posts but understand if you’d rather I didn’t.
    Take care,
    x

  6. lifelaughfood

    You are beautiful! Whether you believe it or not. It’s so great that you’re determined to get a positive body image- I’ll join you on that! And I agree that there is a lot of worry about appearance in recovery- it is something that still consumes a lot of my thinking but we just have to remember that appearance really isn’t everything. I mean, personally I wouldn’t want to be friends with some supermodel with no personality. As cheesy as it sounds, but it’s whats on the inside that counts.
    Anyway, I also want to nominate you for the lovely blog award and the versatile blogger award- I find all your posts so open and honest and so refreshing to read. You’ve come so far and it’s really inspiring (:
    http://lifelaughfood.wordpress.com/2012/06/28/first-blogger-awards-5/

  7. This a courageous post, and you look great!

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