I’ve been gone a while I guess. I’m sorry for being the ultimate failure of blog and email and phone and text. I’m trying to up my social game a little though. I’m calling people in now. I kinda think I have to.
I’ve been having a pretty dark time at the moment. Monday night ended in A&E for self-injury. I ended up being taken on by the home treatment team. Tuesday, after no sleep, I saw one of my psychiatrist. He took me off prozac because he agrees it’s making me too crazy and he thinks that I “most likely do have borderline personality disorder” so referred me to the specialist personality disorder service in my area for a more thorough assessment and possible treatment. They’re waiting like is about 12 weeks I think so it’s kinda long. My psychologist told me he thinks I’m stuck again, which fucked me off. Wednesday morning, the home treatment team came and talked to me. I guess that went ok. I felt kinda scared, but alright. I wasn’t feeling bad or anything. A couple of hours later, I took 72 aspirin. I didn’t think it was that serious, and no one else did to start with. The A&E doctors were talking about sending me home and moved me to a different ward to wait for the psychiatric liaison team as they thought I was stable, but on that ward I got sicker and sicker. Turns out it could have killed me. I wound up in intensive care with a whole load of tubes going in and out of me. I got the right treatment and stabilised with no obvious long-term damage. I was moved to a general ward for observation for a while, then was sent home last night.
I wasn’t going to blog about any of this, and to be honest, I’m not going to get into the whys and what fors at all. I figure that most of the people who read this already know. I know the Brother told a few people, the parents told mine and their friends, I’ve told a few people. I can think of two or three real world people who read this that maybe don’t know, but I think that two of those people probably already do, and chances are the other one will before the end of the day so I figure I should just be honest.
So now the home treatment team are going to come twice a day. It’s not that much actually. They’re going to dispense me medication to get me through this “acute mental health crisis” whatever that means. They’ll give me medications to keep me calm and help me sleep. I have to take valium in front of the people who come (though they give the zopiclone to my family who have to watch me take it later). It’s ok. It means I won’t really be able to leave the local area all that much, which is annoying, but apart from that, it’s cool.
To be honest, none of it felt like it was actually happening. It still doesn’t. Intensive care was totally strange. It’s horrible, but really interesting. You get to watch all your vitals beeping along. Seriously though, it doesn’t feel like it happened at all. They asked me if I understand the severity of the situation. I completely don’t. It just doesn’t feel real or serious or anything. Nothing has any consequences.
So that’s where I’ve been. And now everyone is going to hate me and think I’m a dick. Probably am.
So that’s where I’ve been I guess.