I’ve been gone a while I guess. I’m sorry for being the ultimate failure of blog and email and phone and text. I’m trying to up my social game a little though. I’m calling people in now. I kinda think I have to.

I’ve been having a pretty dark time at the moment. Monday night ended in A&E for self-injury. I ended up being taken on by the home treatment team. Tuesday, after no sleep, I saw one of my psychiatrist. He took me off prozac because he agrees it’s making me too crazy and he thinks that I “most likely do have borderline personality disorder” so referred me to the specialist personality disorder service in my area for a more thorough assessment and possible treatment. They’re waiting like is about 12 weeks I think so it’s kinda long. My psychologist told me he thinks I’m stuck again, which fucked me off. Wednesday morning, the home treatment team came and talked to me. I guess that went ok. I felt kinda scared, but alright. I wasn’t feeling bad or anything. A couple of hours later, I took 72 aspirin. I didn’t think it was that serious, and no one else did to start with. The A&E doctors were talking about sending me home and moved me to a different ward to wait for the psychiatric liaison team as they thought I was stable, but on that ward I got sicker and sicker. Turns out it could have killed me. I wound up in intensive care with a whole load of tubes going in and out of me. I got the right treatment and stabilised with no obvious long-term damage. I was moved to a general ward for observation for a while, then was sent home last night.

I wasn’t going to blog about any of this, and to be honest, I’m not going to get into the whys and what fors at all. I figure that most of the people who read this already know. I know the Brother told a few people, the parents told mine and their friends, I’ve told a few people. I can think of two or three real world people who read this that maybe don’t know, but I think that two of those people probably already do, and chances are the other one will before the end of the day so I figure I should just be honest.

So now the home treatment team are going to come twice a day. It’s not that much actually. They’re going to dispense me medication to get me through this “acute mental health crisis” whatever that means. They’ll give me medications to keep me calm and help me sleep. I have to take valium in front of the people who come (though they give the zopiclone to my family who have to watch me take it later). It’s ok. It means I won’t really be able to leave the local area all that much, which is annoying, but apart from that, it’s cool.

To be honest, none of it felt like it was actually happening. It still doesn’t. Intensive care was totally strange. It’s horrible, but really interesting. You get to watch all your vitals beeping along. Seriously though, it doesn’t feel like it happened at all. They asked me if I understand the severity of the situation. I completely don’t. It just doesn’t feel real or serious or anything. Nothing has any consequences.

So that’s where I’ve been. And now everyone is going to hate me and think I’m a dick. Probably am.

So that’s where I’ve been I guess.



Filed under general, recovery, rubbish

15 responses to “missing.

  1. Meg


    I’m so sorry Ellie. Really sorry. Please if you ever want to chat you know where I am, and for the record I don’t think you’re a dick. Honest.

    I don’t know what to say other than sorry really, and the tone of your post tells me it hasn’t really sunk in for you and I can tell it doesn’t seem real.

    You know where I am chick, big hugs to you xx

  2. Nataly

    Hey lovely. So glad you’re ok. Really. You most certainly are not “a dick”. Far from it. And it sounds like everything still feels like it might have happened to someone else and not you…you just got to watch it all…hang in there and talk to someone if you thunk it will help. Thinking of you. xo.

  3. As if we would think that!!! worried about you? YES… think you’re a dick? Nope, not even a smidge :)
    but this IS a big deal lovely, even if it doesnt quite feel like it is. please try and keep track of how this IS “real”… as much as you might want to, you cant separate yourself from this, cos it is you there. and i dont wanna see you hurting even more… you DO deserve the help and the support and its not in any way selfish or wrong of you to need that.
    sending you strong vibes and im here if you need a blab-fest.

    • I don’t want to seperate myself from it, but I’m seperate from everything. Nothing ever happens. Except it does. But there are no consequences because it’s not real. Except it is.

      This is how I think about the world and myself in it.

      Hopefully I’ll feel better soon. Thank you for this. x.

  4. Rose

    Hi, I really hope I’m not going to make you feel threatened or invaded or whatever with this comment, but I read your blog without knowing you in real life, I came across it via other recovery blogs, and I don’t think you’re a dick in any way. I’m sorry you’re having such a difficult time, though I don’t know the details, and I very much hope you feel better soon.

  5. G

    I am so sorry for all the sadness and struggles you face. I am in the US so am a little confused about your treatment but I hope you remain safe and things get better. When I read your blog you seem so kind and you deserve health and happiness.
    I give you credit for being honest and opening up on your blog.
    Feel better

    • Thank you. I hope I feel better soon too.

      US and UK treatment is really different I think. Would it be weird in the states to have home visiters? I think it’s good because that way I stay out of hospital.

      Love x.

  6. G

    From people in the UK it does seem very very different the care of mental illness,addiction,eds. I have never even heard of home visiters in the US. Here you would be either in medical unit or psych ward till you got stable and then if wanted you would look for more long term care either inpatient,daypatient,outpatient. Some would depend on if insurance covers,ones own finance to self pay,and of course what the person is willing to do.
    Anyhow what I hope for you is that you can find the piece of hope inside you that you can have a better and happier life. That means though not hurting yourself whether it be with pills,ed,etc. How can one even be somewhat content if they are hurting themselves? I know this is easier said then done because the inner pain is so bad. Stay strong and safe!

  7. Hello love,

    So glad to hear you are OK. At least Zopiclone gives a nice sleep? Marginal silver lining? And home visitors sound way better than hospital.

    You’re totally not a dick either.


  8. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get here.. you are not a dick at all, Ellie, my heart goes out to you. I’ve been there, done that, too. It’s such a place of pain and self loathing. I’m glad you are alive still and with us, and hope that from this, something good comes, whether it’s in some more help from those who really need to help you a lot more, or you realise that you are glad you didn’t die (I hope one day you will realise that) and that life has so much there for you to still discover. I know what it’s like to feel in so much pain, to feel so helpless, hopeless and so alone that you do things like that to yourself, and then to feel absolutely idiotic afterwards. it’s horrible. I’m glad and thankful you have the courage to share things as they are with us, your readers, and there will be people reading who might not feel so alone knowing that someone out there feels this way too, and there will be people reading who don’t know this personally, but might some day support a loved one who goes through this hell, or become a professional, and reading your words will help them so much to understand on a deeper level what it’s like.
    Hang in there – you are a special person with such a unique value and you are here and needed on this earth for a reason. Remember God doesn’t make mistakes.
    Love Fiona xx

    • Thank you for this. This is such a lovely comment I swear. It’s horrible you’re right, and I’m sad you’ve been through it true. I hope people won’t find me too awkward now…. Fingers crossed. Maybe it’ll help others. I kinda doubt it though. I don’t think my blog helps anyone but me.

      Fiona – you are a G. Let no one take this away from you.

      Love x.

      • :) I’m sad you know this, but also.. you know, it’s made you stronger. I think you are already helping others. I doubt you would have so many people reading if it didn’t ;)
        I don’t think anyone will find you awkward. It’s happened, it’s done. Behind you now. It doesn’t change who you are, and it’s not your fault that you were in that much pain – it’s sad that you were. And you are a survivor because you might not realise but you have gotten up again – that’s what makes a survivor. Getting up, regardless. *hugs* xx

  9. I’m very sorry you went through that. It’s true we don’t know each other, but I do know how it feels. I went through similar experience so I understand. You’re not alone. Much love

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