So I’ve been trying to both read and write posts for days. Literally days. Truth be told, I’ve been too stoned on diazepam. I’ve been in and out of naps and the world in general. I have felt nicer, but now they’re lowering the dose in the hope that the duloxetine that may or may not work to stabilize my moods is starting to work. It means that I’m more likely to be awake, but less likely to not freak out. Literally all I’ve done for the past few days is nap, watch the O.C. and have awkward conversations with people who make me hurt immensely and get hugely confused. A few nights ago I spent about four hours lying in a heap on the floor telling the Ma how I didn’t exist and everyone hates me. Purely because I couldn’t decide whether or not to see someone or not. I couldn’t decide therefore I was a failure and everyone would laugh at me and my life was a disaster and I don’t feel anything and all I am is lies. The Ma sat with me for hours because she was scared I’d do some damage. She cried. I didn’t feel much. I find it difficult to remember. I don’t know if I was there. Lots of talk of burning insides. Urgh. She wanted to call my team. I can’t call them though because I called them when I was drunk. Double urgh. So then I watched the O.C. some more. Standard day.
Yesterday was really hard for me I think. The HTT psychologist (who I’m in love with) came round and discussed some of the things that have been bothering me. We discussed complicated people and complicated emotions. Apparently I “shouldn’t trust my emotional reactions” and have to learn to take my time and be patient and think before I act. That was the general advice. And also to take less diazepam (yuss! What I didn’t realise about Valium when I only took it for lolz is that if you’re literally always on Valium, you’re always fucking exhausted. It stops being fun pretty quickly). So basically, it was a bit weird having therapy in my front room, but it was ok. I really like the HTT psychologist. Plus I’ve been having problems with one of the HTT team. He’s really fantastic and nice, but he keeps asking me questions about my diagnosis and how I feel and if I think it fits so I get confused and worked up about it. I think he’s trying to help, but it just makes me feel weird, so the HTT psychologist is going to talk to him for me, which is nice.
Then I saw the EDU psychologist (who I’m also in love with). Too many psychologists for one day if you ask me, but still, I think maybe it was useful. I was in a good mood on the way their. I was listening to a mixtape made by a complicated person who I happen to like at the moment and I was feeling happy and dancing and jumping and spinning and feeling really great. Then therapy happened. It was a lot more talk of a lot more complicated people. And complicated emotions. And complicated behaviours. And complicated behaviours. And complicated diagnosis. And complicated symptoms. Essentially it was just really complicated. A lot of my thoughts and behaviours count as symptoms. Symptoms I didn’t think I had. “Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment” was one I didn’t really think I had to worry about. Apparently some of my self-harming behaviours, phone calls, turning up in places I shouldn’t really be… It all counts. “Impulsivity in areas that are potentially self-damaging” was another one I kinda felt was not a biggie for me, but apparently my alcohol use, drug use, sex, spending etc. all count. “Patterns of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships characterised by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation” apparently means that I can’t trust how I feel about complicated people in my life. Which again leads to time and patience all over again.
It’s scary because I feel these demands for decisions and actions all around me and nothing I feel is true or fact and what I think of people changes so often and I don’t know what to do and don’t feel like I can do anything because I have to be “slow and patient” as I can’t trust myself and it’s scary. Essentially all that therapy made me feel like my whole life was out of my control and I felt awful.
So what do I do to feel better? Go out and spend a couple of hundred pound on pointless rubbish. Not just for me, but for other people as well. I just shopped and shopped. Urban Outfitters, John Lewis, Foyles, Waitrose. These are not cheap shops. I’m an idiot sometimes, but I’d saved money for Istanbul and now we’re not going so I went a little over the top. Still, I got some nice stuff. It was all essentially because I needed a new journal. Stupid stupid me. At least I have a journal now though right? Even if my bank account isn’t looking so hot.
My thoughts are fast and my memories are confused and I’m finding it difficult to place people and it’s not nice and I’m trying to be less stoned so it’s a little bit less easy to deal with. I duno.
There isn’t really any point to this post. Other than the fact I’ve been freaking the fuck out about almost everyone I know, whilst at the same time trying desperately to keep myself safe and keep on top of my emotional responses. Apparently I have “an emotional need” that I am trying to fulfil with behaviours which only offer short-term solutions and further deepen this need.
Psychologists babble a lot of phrases.
Anyway, hopefully I’m going to be slightly less stoned so I’ll catch up on some of you lovely people’s posts and see where you are at. I should probably do that before I post, but what the heck? I’m feeling self-indulgent.
Oh and we’re puppy hunting. The Fam is getting a pup. Just sayin’.