Hello readers.

This is Juno.


Juno is my beautiful new puppy. She’s only nine weeks old and absolutely stunning. She’s mongrel (obvs.) and we think she’s got some german shepherd and border collie in her. Honestly, she is way too cute. Seriously, pets are the best kind of therapy. You’re feeling gravitational and everything is fucking sinking and then there’s a puppy and she’s cute and she soft bites your slippers whilst you make a cup of tea and bounds about and falls asleep on your feet and I honestly challenge anyone to not feel slightly better. Then when she tries to eat your hair it’s almost unbearable and it all gets overwhelming. When I think about her, I turn into a child and start jumping about and squealing and my face screws up and my hands and feet fist up because I’m so full of excitement. She is the best thing in my life right now. Every day she gets a little bit bigger and a little more boisterous. Seriously, I’m in love.

Me and Pa drove to Nottingham in the middle of the night to pick her up. She slept on my lap in a box most of the way home. She was so cute. Seriously. We ended up naming her as a fam at four o’clock in the morning. It’s a suitably geeky name. In Roman mythology, Juno is a goddess who is the divine protectress of the community. She’s the daughter of Saturn and the wife and sister of Jupiter. 3 Juno is also an asteroid, and their is an asteroid cluster named Juno (around 3 Juno) and a NASA spacecraft that’s mission is to arrive at Jupiter in 2016 to gain a better understanding of its atmospheric composition. I wanted to name her Io (classical and astronomical) or Freya (Norse goddess), but wasn’t allowed because the Pa isn’t geeky enough. Juno worked though because he liked the film.

What’s really good about pup is that she gets me downstairs and with the fam. She basically needs a lot of attention right now so needs to be watched and played with and stuff most of the day. It means we’re all about together and I get far less worked up about myself. Since the entrance of Juno, things have been easier.

But then I feel it creep because nothing good lasts. Take Saturday for instance. It involved dealing with a lot of destructive thoughts and sprinting down the road in my DMs because I had to run because everything burned. I ran and ran and was thinking of lots of horrible things and I was so worked up. In the end though, I accidentally bumped into the Olympic Torch Relay and got distracted. It was really late and I thought I would have avoided it as planned. Turned out I hadn’t and it basically lined my entire walk. Lots and lots of people. At first I felt really shit because there were all these people and they were all so different and all in these diverse groups and I was so wrong I didn’t fit anywhere. Then I saw all the people on stilts and other weirdo performers and got distracted from that and suddenly felt so proud of where I live because honestly, it’s so nang. So I called the Pa and we watched the party buses and the torch. Then we decided to run after it and catch it up again to watch it get passed over. Then we got Indian takeaway and talked about puppies and how great East London is and how against the Olympics we are and how it’s ruining the area, but how it’s nice to see everyone so happy and I felt ok.

Then the fam went out and I stayed in because I’m useless and rubbish and hate fun and love to wallow and be miserable all alone in the dark with my mood and absolute desire to ruin my life. So I sat home, being sad until the pup woke up and we played and my friend came over and we played with the pup and the pup slept and was gorgeous. Life was good because there was a puppy. Seriously happy making.

I also really like watching her grow. She’s beginning to master going up the garden stairs. She’s getting a lot more confident so she’s pottering around alone more than before. Plus she sleeps. A lot a lot. Especially in this horribly hot weather because she has the double coat of German Shepherd. I love her very much. We took her to the vet for the first round of vaccinations and the vet said she was a large puppy, so probably will be a large dog which makes me really happy. I like proper dogs. And also that she was in fantastic condition. She did good and was very cute. However, the vet then started banging on about pet obesity and how we should train her to view celery as a treat so we can train her with it, instead of the “high fat, high salt, high calorie dog treats” you can pick up in pet shops. I was a bit like “what the fuck?” I’ve never had an obese pet and I’ve never particularly trained them on raw vegetables. Apparently obesity is the single most common problem in pets right now. I don’t care all that much though, she’s going to get all the crusts from my toast and little chewy bones. She’s a pup, she’s teething, she needs to chew things. And needs energy to grow. Hence all the rawhide bones money can buy (which is a lot because it’s 5 little pup sized ones for a pound in the pet shop round the corner).

Tackling a step.

Anyway, caring for something little is really good for my health I think. She needs love and attention and to be treated good, and to treat her good, I have to be in a good enough state to be around her. And I want to be in a good enough state to be able to so I’m trying harder. She’s a bit all-encompassing right now. If I throw myself entirely into puppy, I have literally no time for anything else. She needs playing with and feeding and training and watching. It’s a good way to replace some of the space in my head filled with freaking out.

The novelty of it all does start to wear off a little though. I’m starting to spend more and more time tucked away again. I’m feeling a little bit fragile. Like I could snap at any point. I’m getting more and more full of the urge to get people to actually grasp how much I’m fucking screaming, which is never a good place to be in. I duno. We’ll see I guess. Imma try keep myself all up in pup though because it is a whole load nicer.

Have some more gorgeous pup.

Sleepy Juno.



Filed under Juno, life, recovery

3 responses to “juno.

  1. For some reasons your posts haven’t been appearing in my reader.
    Anyway, Juno is CUTE.
    ” I’m getting more and more full of the urge to get people to actually grasp how much I’m fucking screaming, which is never a good place to be in. I duno.”
    I get like that ESPECIALLY with my nurse. I think though, she says things she thinks will help, and I think by her saying what she said, she doesn’t grasp the whole situation or how much I feel like I’m dying inside. Shouting at her, even though I feel it’s “wrong” has somewhat helped with that, and afterwards, I realise more what my problems really are, even if she is still wrong.
    Puppies always make smiles though.
    And I’m not a huge fan of dogs, but yours is super cute.
    I also love that name, it’s one of my favourite films. x

  2. Meg

    How did I miss this post?! She is SO cute, bet she’s really cuddley. I love your description of excitement, scrunching your hands and face up, I can just picture it!

    Enjoy your time with the fam and lovely Juno x

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