when i leave my journal at home.

This is going to be a very long, very personal post. Most of it is going to be in my handwriting so if you can’t read it, I apologise. I think it’s reasonably legible, but who knows what anyone else will think. It’s fine if you can’t be fucked. I write quickly and in a lengthy manner and because it’s handwritten, it’s not edited or anything. I’m also going to put lots of pictures because photos are nice. If there’s a photo of you and you want me to remove it, just lemme know. Here goes…

Then, in order of mention in these pages (most of these pictures come from my camera. The ones that don’t, I have no idea who took. Even some of the ones that are could have been taken by anyone. Sorry if you read this and you know it was you and I didn’t mention):

Juno chasing a ball in the park.

Juno being incredibly cute. German Shepard/Border Collie cross pups are too lovely!

Now I start my actual today drama, but in photos:

Me before university and before any weight issues.

First year photos:

An intense and completely mental relationship with the Boy in first year. Obvs.

A very small amount of my first year crazy. I’ve never taken pictures of my self harm, and if I had I wouldn’t put them online. Sometimes, when I’m feeling strong, I cover myself in sharpie marker to express how I feel.

Which the Boy tried to make better. Excuse my icky toes. I know they are bad.

That was a bad year. But second year was actually ok see?:

The beginning of second year – Three stone overweight (not in BMI terms, though I was overweight, but in terms of what my set point seems to be now) and at the very beginning of losing weight. At the zoo. Looking at the lion.

Christmas Eve 2008. I’m about the weight I am now and very excited (obvs. because Christmas Eve is the best day of the year ever!).

Being normal(ish) in love.

Having fun times with the Fam and famo friends (that’s the Brother eating a snail in France btw).

Visiting home friends.

And them visiting me.

Making uni friends.

And dressing up for bad club nights with them.

And going to pubs too!

That was my normal second year. Here are some pictures to illustrate how nang Bristol is:

See? Bristol is very pretty.

Ok so this isn’t my department, but I didn’t take any pictures of my department. This is where I graduated though. It too is basically a castle.

Brilliant clubs: Lab.


I think this was Shit the Bed or Tribe of Frog at Lakota. I was too high to take a good picture so the quality is rubbish, but you get the point.

1920s Hip-Hop night at Lab. This was really good. Like really really.

Hallowe’en at Black Swan. I really love this photo.

These are now just going to be pictures of and from Clifton Suspension bridge in all its glory. They’re all from the day I graduated (so all these pictures were taken by the Dad obvs.). It’s so nice there. One of my favourite places in the world to be ever:

And for the hell of it, because it’s not on the internet anywhere – This is me at graduation:

This is like the only nice picture of me that day I swear.

And finally, me now:

Well kinda. I’ve cut and dyed my hair since. Plus I was so drunk and high and on a lot of Valium. I mostly don’t look this silly. (I have to give Walker credit for this photo).

I still have a thing about sharpie marker pens… Trust me, most days its all over the places you can’t see.

And for the hell of it:

Isn’t she just the best thing ever? I really really love my dog.

So there you go. Lots of photos so this post is nicer to look at. Plus it’s lots of happy memories, which kinda makes me sad, but is what I need right now. It’s a lot of insight into my brain and also my life, but I thought it’d be nice to share a little. I hope you enjoyed it.



Filed under bad day, bpd, eating disorder, Juno, life, rant, recovery, university

8 responses to “when i leave my journal at home.

  1. Char

    Never seen proper photos of you before. You’re actually mega pretty!

  2. this is superfab. its nice to see what youve done and the transition to the ellie that we know and LOVE today :-)
    p.s when are we hanging out missus?! its half term next week so i might be in london taahhn. lemme know x

  3. Meg

    You’re so gorgeous! I wish you could see it too. I know you’ll think I’m talking bollocks or whatever, but you’re super photogenic. (Don’t argue, ok?)

    Did it help you at all to look back over happier times? I know when I’m feeling crap I look at photos from when I was a lot more normal and it reminds me that I was happy once and can be (fully happy) again. You can too missus, I don’t agree with your last paragraph in your journal about never amounting to anything. There is far too much intelligence in your head to go to waste, Post Grad studies are still a possibility.

    Don’t let your mental health dictate what you do/don’t do with your life. Equally, you’re still young! I didn’t know for sure what I was going to do until I got this job aged 28 – there’s no rush xx

  4. Please don’t go with the ‘I don’t see a future’-thing. I am quite sure you didn’t see ‘recovery’ when you started ED-treatment either, yet hey, here you are. Now there’s a new challenge here, new therapy focussed on new things. Give it a fair shot. It’s not like AN was over in a fortnight either. You have a place, and a future. A big one, Ellie. Look how far you’ve come already. You don’t have to go back to the person you thought was the happy version of you, you’re years older now. We’re never done and finished changing. There is no ‘final’ us. This is life; we change, we develop, we shed and grow.

    Love the pictures. Juno is TOO cute. And you are too!! Oh man, seriously, we+our friends would really make for a good party haha.

    Ellie it hurts me so to read you were ready to be finished with it only just yesterday. Please. Now that the urgency of the feeling is gone, can you think of ANY way to make yourself dial your go-to-crisis peeps when the feeling comes back? Or, if it does? Because I hope it won’t. With the risk of sounding like Gollum; you’re too precious.


  5. Bristol certainly has a lot going for it.

    Did you ever got to Blaise Castle? Not a real castle but, occasionally, it is open to the public and (apparently) offers good views. The closest thing to a ‘real’ castle in the city would be the few bricks left on Castle Park near Broadmead (I think)… Close to that are supposed to be the remains of an old church following the war. I’ve lived near Bristol for my entire life but, I’ve still not seen these things myself!

    • Castle park is pretty cool, but there isn’t much of it left. I’ve not heard of Blaise Castle. I know there’s that weird yellow castle-y place on the way out of Bristol on the M4, but I heard (maybe wrongly) that it’s a mental health inpatient unit. That might be a myth. Next time I go I’ll look it up.

      I really, really love Bristol. I’m not sure if it’s my favorite city or if London is. It’s so hard to decide


      • Blaise Castle is near Shirehampton and Lawrence Weston; that sort of area, away from the centre. Definitely worth a look, next time you’re near.

        I’ve seen the yellow one too! I think it’s on the Oldbury Court Estate. Not somewhere I’ve yet been but, it’s now on the list!

        There’s also a ‘mock castle’ in Bath, next to the golf course, which I briefly visited last week while walking around there. Apparently, it was commission by a home-owner in a town house to improve the prosperity of his home with the view from his window or something! :-D

  6. Agnes

    Sorry, late to the party on this one. You are so beautiful (also your writing is like, proper neat, mine is just scrawl!)


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