“i’ve never been so alone.”

I know I’m being a spam queen, but I’ve now decided on my next unproductive, yet kinda productive task to keep me as distracted as possible to keep myself safe so I don’t care all that much.

I listen to my iPod whilst walking my dog. I love my iPod and it’s absolutely huge headphones because it isolates me from people and sounds. I’m hyper alert to sounds when I’m out alone, so instead I choose music. I get scared when people talk to me, so I just pretend or actually don’t hear them. I use it in less good situations too. Like at uni, I would wear my headphones and blast my music as loud as possible for as long as possible so no one would try to talk to me. Hence having made no new friends in a while.

The contents of my post dog walk coat pocket tipped on the bed. Big headphones and iPod included.

Anyway, I had my iPod on shuffle and this song came up:

This song reminds me of being really, really young. I don’t think many people will like it particularly, but bear in mind that I sincerely wish I was born a decade earlier so that I could have been 16-20 in the 90s and had the most fun on all the pills with all the dance and trance and euphoria in all the clubs. This song isn’t that old, but it’s in the same area of music for me. It makes me really sad, but it also makes me want to dance about. Dancing makes me happy.

This led to unproductive idea of the day number two: Make a playlist of songs I want to listen to when I’m sad because they make me feel sad, but will eventually make me happy because they’ll make me dance and jump about and that makes me really excited and happy and good.

(the task should have a shorter, snappier name than that, but I can’t think of one).

I have a few so far. Three of the best other ones I have are:

This song is really, really sad, but I really defy you not to jump. Plus it uses sciencey metaphors to describe heartache and pain and science makes me happy. I literally cannot help but jump when this comes on my headphones in the street – so much so I have a routine where I jump/dance when I’m walking. I love Darwin Deez so much. I only found this album in the last 6 months or something, so I was late to the party, but still. Heartbreakingly happy.

(credit to Nat for finding Darwin Deez for me. So much love. Mostly for Nat).

I know lots of people think that she’s all hipster and I get that hipsters like her, but I don’t care so don’t judge me. I love her. Granted, half the time I have no idea what she’s saying, but she too makes me feel like I should be in the 90s. I always dance to Grimes. Even when I’m sad. Even on the tube. I will especially stand up to dance to Grimes. Such big tunes from such a tiny woman.

And finally…

See? I really do just love the 90s. And Space. I love Space so much I’m seeing them live in a few weeks, even though no one even likes them anymore. This song is jokes, but also sad. I think a lot of Space songs are jokes, but sad. I’m really excited about seeing them soon so they were in my brain – thus they enter the playlist.

That’s all I’m going to give you from this playlist though.

I am going to give you one more song though. This is for a playlist I’ll make some other time because I actually think this is a good idea and I have lots of tracks buzzing in my brain. This one will go on the “When I’m really angry and I hate everyone and I need to cheer up and dance” playlist. It’s especially good when your anger is directed at someone.

I think everyone needs this song in their life. Seriously.

(And Nat gets an extra special thank you for this one because he put it on a CD of happy songs for me and he is right – lyrical genius).

Hopefully I’m done with spamming now. I think I’m gonna playlist then read some blogs to catch up a bit then hopefully the HTT will be here and I’ll have someone to talk to.



Filed under bpd, coping strategies, general, music

6 responses to ““i’ve never been so alone.”

  1. i love walking the dog with my headphones on. it means i can sing along loudly without hearing myself… i dont give a shit what people think. cos when im out in the field with no noise but the music, i dont see them, i dont hear them, therefore they do not exist.

    Just Me.
    Me and the Pooch.

    She doesnt care if im an out-of-tune eejit with my jeans tucked into my socks so they dont get wet… nah, shes cool with that :-)

    p.s i like your lightning keyring

    • That is exactly what I do. Every day. Singing along just me and my dog. I tell myself she likes it better because dogs fine it soothing when their owners talk to them, so why wouldn’t they find it soothing for us to sing out of tune at them? I am probably deluding myself, but still.

      It’s from paperchase and has a little button and lights up and makes a thunder sound btw. It is an epic keyring

      Love x.

  2. Sophie Power

    Omd I love that grimes track so damn much.

    I’m also a big fan of you right now. Went to Whipps and got the prescription!! Yes!!

    Sent from my iPhone

  3. I get all irritable and weird if I don’t get my “music time”. I have to listen to it everyday, and as encompassing as you. I have knock off beat headphones, they are boss. Also, they do ear muffs, that are also headphones these days, ahh warm and anti social, just my thing..

    I love your music. I havent listened to Space for a long time. Need to get them in my ears asap.

    As for the “spam queen” statement, do what ever the hell you want chicka. I do it when I feel lonely I think. I like to be heard sometimes, like i need to know other people actually exist and that.
    Loves xxx

    • Space were so good I swear down. No one really remembers them anymore, but they are totally worth a listen.

      I get irritable if I don’t have music time too. It annoys people.

      But yer, I’ve been posting a lot recently. I sometimes think it’s silly, but then I think “fuck it” and just post anyway.

      Love x.

  4. I’ve really enjoyed these, thank you! I love the 90’s music too, but I’d never heard of these! xxx

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