back again


So I’ve not been blogging or emailing or tweeting or anything recently. I’ve been avoiding the internet a little bit, mostly because I like being honest and my life recently has included a lot I don’t want to publish, but also because I am always busy. Like always. I’m going to try and rectify this because I miss blogging and I find it therapeutic, but it’s difficult because more often than not, I’ve got someone with me and it seems kinda rude right now to just ignore them for like an hour. Plus I don’t want to ignore them really.

I don’t like publishing this sort of information, but as a general thing, I now have a new boy. We will call him Gym because he got a bit of a Travie from Gym Class Heroes thing going on. I’ve been seeing him for a couple of months now, but now we’re like a ‘thing’. I’m shit at talking about this sort of stuff because I’m not all that romantic and I don’t trust in people easily. I didn’t want to like him too much. I wanted an easy, not dickhead guy to have a casual thing with. This one ended up being really actually ok. He’s kinda like… I duno, nice? And funny. And pretty, obviously. And super energetic. He treats me well actually. In a way I’m really unused to. He does nice things for me and doesn’t mind if my weirdness. He’s the complete opposite of the Ex, which is refreshing and fun. He likes different things, acts different, looks different and makes me feel good about myself. I’m mostly having a nice time with him. It’s so different from the Ex. He doesn’t hurt me. He doesn’t tell me I’m horrible. He doesn’t make me feel inadequate and useless and small.

Anyway, he’s here most of the time actually. It’s weird, but at the moment it’s fun. He’s 20 and lives in a pretty grotty council flat, so spends most of his time out and about. That means at his friends or here, and right now he “likes spending time here” so it’s mostly in my house. I’m not complaining though. Not really. He’s been living independently since he was 16 and if I was in that situation, I probably wouldn’t want to spend many nights alone. It’s ok, it just means that there’s less time for me to do ‘me’ stuff like blogging and journaling and reading etc.. I really need to rectify this, but it’s hard to because I want to spend time with him. So now I’m writing this with a pretty, sleeping boy next to me.

So anyway, I guess that’s a kinda big thing in my life right now. It’s a change. For me, it’s kinda a massive deal to actually try trust someone. I’m not good at people, especially when I actually care about their opinions. I’m a massive pessimist which means everything is going to end badly, so it’s hard for me to even admit to liking someone because that way leads to someone leaving and deciding to hurt you. The problem is that they can’t possibly actually like you back right? It doesn’t matter that all the evidence points to the fact that maybe they might actually want to spend time with you, because they don’t. Because you suck. And there’s absolutely no way someone could actually like you. So what he argues that he wouldn’t want you to be his girlfriend if he secretly hated you? What makes more sense is that he’s somehow trying to make you care so he can lure you into some kind of trap designed to make you hurt so that everyone can laugh at you whilst you’re sad. It’s a big trick. Because that makes sense. No matter how much he’s says that’s ridiculous and there is no point in him doing that. So I can’t trust him and I can’t like him because he hates me and he’ll deliberately hurt me.

It’s not the only thing causing an issue though. Another part of it is that I’m just entirely unacceptable. My thoughts, emotions etc. are all unacceptable, so I have to take my lead from him. I have to wait for signals from him to know its ok to think something. It means I can’t express my feelings ever. Like if I’m annoyed at something, I just can’t be because its not acceptable for me to feel that way and if I do, he’ll hate me, hurt me, then leave. Obviously. And I can’t like him too much because if I do, he’ll hate me, hurt me, then leave.

These two points make me hurt, and the more I like him, the more it hurts. It becomes investing more time and emotion and attachment in something that will inevitably cause me to be ridiculed, deceived and left, so it’s kinda hard to actually let someone know me at all. It’s not safe to and the single most important thing is to be safe. All these issues are the same as with other people, but really intensified with Gym because he’s here a lot and you know, it’s like a relationship thing. Relationship is a horrible word. It’s a tense idea. It’s just really fucking hard.

I say all this, but he’s sleeping on my chest all cute and nice. There are happy things too.

I could go on a bit of a tangent about him. I could do some sharing. I’m not going to though because its lame.

So yer, that’s been a big part of my life recently, but there’s other shit too, especially with treatment stuff. I’ve started DBT kinda now. Group starts in a couple of weeks, but individual therapy has started. I had to have a lot of introduction type sessions, but now I’ve had to have an actual therapy session and it was hard. We pick these three behaviours to focus on each week and I get this diary sheet to fill in. We start with crisis/risk behaviours so right now, it’s hoarding meds, suicidal thoughts and self harm. Each time these behaviours happen, I have to note which negative emotions are strongest, who I was with, where I was, what triggers there were and any thoughts I’m having. In the session, we go over the riskiest behaviour, creating a chain of thoughts backward and forward from the behaviour to see what triggered it and what effects the behaviour had on me. It’s actually really fucking hard and horrible and stressful. I basically hate it. I have to reflect on my own shit moods and behavioural failings. It’s rubbish, and right now, I can’t see how it’s going to be helpful, though just because I don’t see it doesn’t mean it won’t help. I’ve only just started really. I signed my therapy contract yesterday so it really new. It’s annoying though because if I miss four sessions in a row, I’ve signed that it’d be cool to leave treatment which, considering I find it hard to go and at one point yesterday, almost turned around and went home whilst walking there. It does mean I now have phone support from the Therapist though, which is ok.

Ooh I did get some relatively nice therapy homework though. We’ve started looking at distress tolerance techniques and one of them is getting myself a ‘self-soothe’ bag which I can take everywhere with me for if I get too distressed. It’s meant to have objects which engage my senses in it, so one thing for touch, one thing for smell, one thing for taste, one thing for sound and one thing for sight. I think this sounds like an actually really fun thing to do. I’ve been thinking of what to add to it a lot today. A little perfume is good obviously, as well as some play dough and cuddly toy for touch, some gum for taste, photos for sight and obviously my iPod counts as sound. I’m going to get a cute little case for it all sorted and it’s going to be really nice. I’ve decided to enjoy this task, so I will. It has to be small enough to take everywhere though, which is hard.

I’ve been asked so start using this other distress tolerance technique called ‘ACCEPTS’ or something. I think there might be more to it than what I’ve learnt so far. Basically, when I’m distressed I’m meant to try:

A – distraction Activities (so doing anything else to distract myself from whatever is hurting me. Like T.V., video games, drawing, writing, etc.)
C – Contributing (doing something nice for others. Big or small, doesn’t matter. I could buy presents, make dinner or just make coffee for someone else. Just contributing a little)
C – Comparisons (comparing my situation with the situations of those worse off than me. Like watching the news or something. This one sounds both horrible and hard)
E – other Emotions (doing something to create the opposite emotion to what I’m feeling. Like jumping about to feel happy when I’m sad, or curling up in a hug when I’m scared to feel safe)
P – Pushing away (mentally pushing aside difficult emotions and putting them in ‘a box’)
T – other Thoughts (try to think about something else, however simple. Even just counting the amount of cars on the street or something. Just changing the thought)
S – Sensations (creating different sensations through changing your temperature. Like cold showers and putting my wrist on the windowsill if I’m hot, or curling up I’m blankets if I’m cold. Just changing my physical sensations).

In other aspect of my treatment, I’m finally nearly finished with my EDU therapist. I’m now seeing him every three weeks and have only got two sessions left. I’m not sure how I feel about it. I don’t want to go to my EDU anymore, but I don’t want to lose my therapist. DBT is way more structured and there’s no space to really talk about important issues, but more just problem behaviours. Therapy at my EDU looks at what I found important and trying between sessions, which I like because it gives me a space to actually sound out my feelings. Without that space, I’m scared my head will get too crowded. A crowded head is a difficult head and a hard mind to deal with. I’m not sure where I’m going to go to clear some space. It’s a daunting prospect.

I’ve also started really trying to sort uni stuff out. I’ve got regular appointments with my mentor and have had my DSA needs assessment and am just waiting on the funding body’s final review and decision on what I’m eligible for. Hopefully I’ll get the equipment I need to find study easier. It’ll be good I hope.

I guess I should maybe, at some point, talk about my general mental health and eating and things, but I feel like this has been going on for long enough. I’m going to try catch up on some blogs today, but not quite yet because I have to rouse a sleeping boy.

Sorry I’m a rubbish blogger.

Love.

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3 Comments

Filed under bpd, coping strategies, eating disorder, IMPART, life, recovery, therapy

3 responses to “back again

  1. WOOPWOOP. nice work lady. travie from GCH is hawt :p
    im glad youre letting someone treat you nicely… cos you deserve it. dont let your head tell you otherwise. i know how hard it is to convince yourself that actually you ARE ok and peope DO want to spend time with you and its not all a big conspiracy theory where everyone is watching your life through a “truman show” style and laughing. cos THATS NOT TRUE… self-appreciation is a tricky thing, but listen to what he says and believe it, cos he wouldnt be there if he didnt want to be :-)
    x

  2. Jane

    Hey, ’tis Aggy! New name, new blog (loads of drama involving me ODing a load of times and ending up in hospital, irl friend linking my blog on facebook, everyone thinking I’m a complete mentalist… loooong story!) I’m glad to hear from you, I was wondering how you were (and I’ve also been told I probably have BPD too, so I’ve been reading your past blog posts a lot.) The new boy sounds nice, toy boy :D Glad your happy with him anyway, and that he’s better than your ex (who sounded like a bit of a dick to be fair.)

    I understand the social side of things, I get that too. I can’t imagine anyone would want to spend time with me because I’m so disgusting and horrible and I should just die because I’m so horrible and disgusting… Yeah, I know it’s probz a load of crap, but I think that, and that they all really hate me and whenever someone says/ does something horrible it feeds into the negativity and affirms my self belief. That’s me mind! I think everyone’s different and I’m glad you’re working on your stuff.

    xxx

  3. HI!!! OMG I miss you!

    I have also been doing sort of similar things to you, without the boy thing, well, kinda, lol. Theres all this real life stuff and therapy now, and then I want to play call of duty with the boys and then theres no time left. Young boys are sometimes so uhhh. My DBT group thing starts next week, and also am getting individual therapy too, like you.

    I love the ACCEPTS thing, that’s cool, and something I might try.
    I wanted to come to London before Christmas but life got in the way and since November I’ve had colds and flu and then there was the god awful snow crap.

    Anyway, you know where I’m at, anytime you wanna chat hit me up. Always be around for you.
    Hugs lovely. You are a star. Glad to see you’re still blogging and doing that twitter thing.
    <3 x

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