confusing times

Hiya guys! I wonder if anyone even remembers this blog exists. I sure don’t most of the time. A lot has changed I guess. I think the biggest, bestest change is that I really don’t worry about food that much. I stay around the same weight, though I duno how much that is because I haven’t weighed myself in about six months. I know my clothes all fit the same, basically all the time. And it’s a healthy size too. So for an eating disorder blog, there seems to be a distinct lack of eating disorder happening. I just eat – sometimes healthy, sometimes McDonald’s. I still have a bit of a problem with drinking calories, but I do when I really want to and it has no real negative impact on my life, doesn’t play on my mind and doesn’t give me unreal amounts of guilt so I don’t think it’s a problem.

It’s been quite nice taking a super long time off blogging because its given me time to get away from that eating disorder mindset. I haven’t focused on it and I don’t think about it too much. It’s good. Great in fact. I’ve been moving on and I’m doing well and kinda losing that bit of my identity. I mean, it still is plays a part in making me who I am, but in a kinda positive way. I eat a whole load of junk and I don’t have mad guilt. I now just think “I’m eating this because its tasty and I enjoy it and it makes me feel good.” I don’t even think about calories. I don’t read food packaging religiously. I just eat, but whilst actually thinking positively about it and enjoying food as it should be enjoyed really. I duno if I would have got to this point without having been eating disordered in the first place. I duno if I would have actually ever been able to reach a point where food is just enjoyable and good, with no baggage. And I feel fucking awful for anyone that struggles to eat without mental drama of some sort. Being a girl that eats like a beast is now a part of who I am. I like that.

What other things are new…

Well I’m basically living south of the river now (ergh) with some friends. There was essentially this huge dramarama involving self-harm, overdosing, stitches and Gym.  It really wasn’t his fault, but he was trashed and responded badly, then he was banned from my home so we moved to his. Then he got evicted, so we moved to whoever would have us. My friends said they’d put him up for a month and me up as long as I want. It’s good to get some space from what’s going on at home and I’m intending on heading back there, but for now I’m back in the family homestead.

See, I’m not sure I even have any blogging friend anymore. I’m not sure anyone who might read this will understand me or even care. I used to have blog friends, but I disappeared for almost a year. I got wrapped up in a boy who I love and gave all I have too. I lost myself entirely and in truth, I didn’t mind. I got attached in a really BPD way. He was my all or nothing. My emotional self became entirely reliant and I began to need him in a way I guess he didn’t respond to. I find trust almost impossible, find it hard to have him leave for a little while because it feels like rejection and I get desperate for him to stay. I try and fix anything and go to completely ridiculous extents. In one argument, he wanted space and tried to leave whilst I ended up on my knees, crying and begging him to stay. He controlled all my love and all my anxiety. I can understand my illogical, broken thinking, but it still effects my emotions and behaviours. Our arguments became fierce. My whole self became dependent on him.

At the same time, his life has kinda fallen apart. He’s homeless, with terrible credit and a job with shit pay. He’s shit at saving as well which doesn’t help and hasn’t got a great support network. He needs to sort his shit out. I’ve done nothing but try to help, but apparently my help wasn’t very good. In his opinion, he isn’t in a position to have a relationship right now. I get it, but it’s killing me.

Apparently I’m also too much. I rely on him too much and became too much of a priority for him. I stressed him though. I call too much, text too much, need to see him too much. I rely on him to help me be ok. He can’t do it right now and fix his own life up. He says it’s just too much. He says he loves me and does want a relationship right now, but he needs a break. A break to fix up his life whilst I fix up mine. A break of an undisclosed amount of time.

I didn’t want a break. I wanted to step back from the relationship, but keep a relationship going. He didn’t. We decided we’d stay friends during the break. We’d still contact each other, see each other a little etc., but then I think he changed his mind. He wants to emotionally detach from me. I don’t want this at all. I don’t even know if we’re good together but I want him in my life so much. So I sent him a text telling him what I was up to, but a few hours later he text me to tell me how much it wasn’t ok. I was out at a party, having a really nice time, totally trashed, but these texts devastated me. I had to go home, in absolute mountains of tears, too trashed to deal with it and hurting too much to understand.

We ended up texting last night. He told me it’s either no contact or break up. I said I needed time to think about it and he gave me the night. Then changed his mind that I had a night and stopped communication then and there. I don’t know if we’ve broken up or not. I also don’t understand how the break would end if we’re not talking and there’s no end date. He text in the middle of the night to explain why he was being a bit of a dick, but didn’t explain anything or apologise.

So now I’m just confused and hurting and I don’t know what to do. It sucks out really. Apparently I love him and he loves me, but maybe we can’t talk and maybe we can. Maybe we’ve broken up, maybe we’re on a break. I can’t ask because contacting might make him angry and hate me more. I don’t know what I want or what he wants and I’m desperately sad. I’m so sad because I’m so confused. It’s so unpredictable and unstable and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to move on or keep where I am. I feel really horrible and I can’t turn to the person I care most about to help me.

Logic and emotion always fighting.

And what sucks the most is that I do think I’m making progress. I’ve been in treatment essentially since I met him and I am moving forward. My risk behaviours are way down. Almost none at all. I haven’t taken any really damaging overdoses or self harmed in months. I’m relying more heavily on drugs and alcohol to get through, but that’s less damaging. Maybe. The other day I was too trashed, slipped on a space hopper and broke my nose and possibly my teeth so it’s still a little bit damaging. My treatment is going good I think. I’m getting a new psychiatrist who I’m seeing tomorrow. I’m going to ask for maybe a mental health social worker if I can. I have housing and money problems now. My family home is supportive right now, but I don’t think it’s helping my mental health. After the drama, I feel kinda at a loss here. I love my family dearly, but after the drama and all the talk of not wanting to support me and how it’d be easier for them if I wasn’t here, it makes me need to go. I don’t know. I’ll be south of the river againIn a few days really. I have to learn to rely on myself. Money is a problem. My lack of structure is a difficulty. Basically, I’m in need to carving out a little life for myself.

So we’ll see. I’m going to hopefully start blogging a bit more about treatment and the steps I need to move forward and all that business. I want to start this up as a recovery blog again, but right now I’m not feeling strong in recovery right now. I thought maybe if I got this self indulgent stuff out of my system and started to find an outlet to talk about recovery techniques and skills and stuff again, maybe I could find some independent recovery focus again. I duno. It might not work and I might not keep the blogging up. We’ll see.

I’m going to read some blogs now. Distract myself from what’s happening right now and hopefully feel a little better. I think I need a lot of distraction right now. A lot of self soothe techniques, and general distress tolerance skills. Maybe I’ll blog about them soon.

I doubt anyone will I read this but maybe it’ll help me. Maybe write again soon.

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6 Comments

Filed under bad day, bpd, CMHT, coping strategies, eating disorder, general, life, rant, recovery, therapy

6 responses to “confusing times

  1. Booberry! You’re still here! You’ve definitely been on Meg and I’s mind, so we’re still rooting (almost typed rotting, oops) for you here!

    Shucks that there’s boy drama :( I’m not really a pro at that so I don’t think I can really help, except that, whether to move or keep where you are? Staying stuck never really sounds like a pleasant option to me, so maybe you should just try and figure out your path and who knows yours and his will again cross in the future?

    Hope the new psych is a good ‘on, annnnnd that you’ll feel a little better soon. You’re still a champ to me!

    Lotsa love, Sooz

  2. A

    Great to hear from you again as I’ve been reading your blog lately.

    Hope the bf thing sorts out and sooooo good to hear you interest in food has come back, go for it!

  3. Im still your blogfriend ladyface!!! in fact, was thinking about you the other day and hahaha to moving south of the river… i bet you LOVE that! :p
    i hope that things with the boy arent too overwhelming, remember that however much you guys are connected, you are not him and he is not you… you are still youre own person and you have your OWN shit to deal with. I know how easy it can be to take on other peoples problems and consequently let your own ones down.
    Hope to hear more from you chick… shoot me an email if you ever wanna chat (altho i AM leaving to australi in three days… WHATWHAAAT??!?!) wish me luck tho eh?! :)

  4. We really are going through similar stuff! Like crazy similar. Why can’t people just be honest about their feelings. Communication is not that hard! Men…can’t live with them, can’t live with them…yeah that’s about it ;) xXx

  5. Hey! I’m also still here! You somehow popped up on my reader, I very rarely check my wordpress account! I’m just having one of my hyper, manic, can’t sleep nights so decided to read some blogs, and you updated, and I’m happy you updated and to hear from you, but I’m sad it’s not good news. I hope your nose/ teeth are ok too. Sounds painful :/

    With the boy problem I wish I could offer advice, but I’m going through it too (I’m also in a relationship with someone else with BPD… complete and utter nightmare because we both do the pushing away/ clingy/ crazy emotions thing) he’s also my landlord and is twice my age… Yeah, I pick em!

    But yeah, the Gym thing is something I totally relate to (and something I have done myself in relationships. I did it in my last one, before I got into this one, It didn’t end well for me, but at the time I was caught up in ED and homeless, and ending up pushing him away, the last time I spoke to him was me screaming at him down the phone… truly truly awful.) I suppose that’s something we work on. It’s something I want to work out anyway. I want to be good at a relationship/ friendship dagnammit :( I hope whatever happens with that works out for the best. It’s horrible when you can think rationally and yet the intense emotions fuck everything up, especially when you can’t understand them yourself.

    Housing… well I actually found myself homeless in June. I dropped out of uni completely (took a tonne of overdoses, couldn’t cope with the course any more, very little support, complete emotional wreck, got weirdly BPD attached and obsessed with my counsellor and had to stop seeing him for my own mental health… complete and utter nightmare!) Well anyway, I had no money, a lot of debt and nowhere to go (my parents even said that I should find my own place in Birmingham if I ever came back there… They have other kids to worry about and couldn’t financially support me) but I managed to work something out in the end (stayed in York, signed up for housing benefit, managed to find somewhere to live) it was terrifying! My benefit claim got screwed up, I nearly didn’t get my rent paid on time… but in the end the council paid up… my finances stabilised, so what I’m saying in a rambly, roundabout way is that there are always options. Things can be worked out in that area, and I hope you manage to sort things out. I am terrible with money myself (and still prone to the odd impulsive spending spree which I can’t afford :( ) however, I am better now I have responsibility. I have to pay my rent (despite being in a relationship with said landlord), bills and feed myself, and that somehow protects me from my own crazy, if that makes sense? I never thought I’d be able to do it, look after myself and live independently, but I did it!

    Sorry for the very long comment. I think I’m a little crazy with the old sleep deprivation, and I have ranted on about my own crazy six months… I suppose I’m in a similar situation to you I guess. Without the ED the borderline suddenly comes out…

    But what I’m saying is, I’m really happy to have you back. I did wonder what had happened to you. I do hope things improve.

    Hugs.

    xxx

  6. Meg

    Hiiiiiiii!

    I don’t blog much anymore but still get email alerts for you and Sooz so I was chuffed to see you’ve updated! Wow lady, you’ve been busy eh?

    It all sounds quite overwhelming for you at the mo, but I’m glad you mentioned that you’re making progress with treatment – no matter what other shit comes your way you need to keep going down the right path.

    As the other ladies said, great to hear from you and mail if you need me! xx

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