Category Archives: music

supported accommodation.

So I’ve decided that, at least for a bit, I’m going to alternate between posts of where I am right now and posts from before. The last one was obviously from October and times have changed a lot since then. I’m in a way better place and right now isn’t the worst.

Right now, I’m lying in my own little garden at the back of my own little flat. It’s sunny and I look like the 80s happened all over me. I have some wine, a good book and a blanket. And I’m preparing my bee grenade. It’s summery and nice and I’m in a good mood. Today is a good day, although I am a little bored. So this is me trying to be productive. After this I have something really important and even more productive to do so I’ve gotta get on it. But I’m going to try keep to my blog for a bit as I think it’s important for me to focus my energies on creating things as well as just absorbing them. There was a long time when I stopped creating. I used to write in my journal everyday, blog a few times a week, sketch, draw and create digital art and it mostly just stopped. I think the only thing I created in like a year was like a picture of a dying rose and a girl in tears. I guess all consuming, unhealthy relationships which turn your life upside down do that to you.

Things have really changed though. Firstly, I love my little flat. I’m so house proud it is unreal. Maybe I’ll do a post of pictures in a bit, but right now, my camera and laptop are inside and the sun is happening. It took ages to get this flat sorted, but now I’m in a self contained, supported little home. And it has rooms. Multiple rooms. And a hall. I lined all my shoes up in the hall so that everyone who visits will see how awesome my shoes are. And I have nice, colourful things all around. And I like to put flowers on my little dining table that I don’t think I have ever used.

Supported housing is weird. I had housing issues for a while, so I organised seeing my psychiatrist at the CRT (previously the CMHT, now the Community Recover Team) who referred me to the social work part of the team. It took weeks, but I got this awesome social worker called Helen. She took one look at me and said that council housing was probably not a good first step, but that I should probably wind up in low support accommodation. Then there was a suicide attempt, but that’ll but in a different, from before post, and she changed her recommendation to high support. I was put at the top of the list and then it was a waiting game.

Anyway, she left and I wound up with a new social worker called Bonnie. A flat came up in medium support and she recommended I go for it, so I did and here I am a couple of months later. Bonnie’s left too now, so I’ve got a new care co-ordinator called Shagufta who’s an occupational therapist. I don’t really know what they do, but hopefully she won’t leave and hopefully she’s nice. I’m meeting her on May 23rd so I guess we’ll wait and see.

Back to the flat though. It’s nice. Its on the ground floor, at the back of the building, so I can see the garden through my windows. It’s in a block of five flats, all supported for people with mental health problems. I’ve not met anyone from my block yet, though I’ve seen two of them. One is really hot and I saw him this morning all pretty and in the hall and topless. He knows he’s pretty though and that annoyed me. The other guy is really old and wears a bowler hat. He lives in the flat next door so I can sometimes see him through the windows at the front of the block. He does not look like he’s having any fun. Trust. Oh and there’s these two brothers, one of whom lives here, who always leave the back gate open and I see in the garden all the time. They walk past my windows and look in like the alien from signs when they’re filming the kids birthday party and it comes out the grass. Creepy. I’m sure they’re not. Maybe I just need net curtains. But then I won’t see the daisies.

At first, I was really apprehensive about the supported aspect. I think this was mainly due to fear of the unknown. I mean, I know how to cook and clean and all that, so I didn’t know what help they could be. It’s not like they can stop me self harming or prevent me from doing any damage to myself. Actually though, I really think it’s for the best. I have to floating support workers, a main one called Angela and another one called Miuri. Angela is a bit odd. She’s got a kinda fleeting thought process that she likes to speak out load, but she’s nice and is actually really helpful. She comes to my CPAs, doctors appointments and things, helps me sort out bills etc., and makes sure that I’m comfortable, safe and doing ok. I don’t think she can tell if I’m safe or doing ok, but she can help make sure I’m comfy. Like if something breaks, she helps me out. I like her a lot, even though she’s a bit ditzy. And she swears a lot, which I like, but she always reprimands herself for. Miuri and me mostly just chat. We talk about cooking and hair and boys and I teach her recipes and things. She’s such a sweetie. I think they’ve only seen me freak out once, even though I’ve freaked out way more than that, I just don’t tell them. Maybe I should, but I don’t see how that’d help. I duno.

The one big downside to all of this is that I’m flat out broke all the time. Bills on your own are hard. At uni, everything was split six ways, but all alone, it’s not. And I’m still waiting for my PIP assessment so god knows if my income will improve at all. Benefits is not an easy life, but I’m still pretty unstable, I’m still a student and I’ve still got a long way to go, so no one seems to be thinking a job so soon is the way I should be going. I’m on housing benefit, ESA, council tax benefit (though I still have to pay them £15 pound a month – you’re not exempt unless you’re on PIP) and it’s still hardly enough to get by. Money bums me out.

But do you know what doesn’t bum me out? Where I live. Not just the flat either. I love the area. It’s got a proper community vibe. There’s a lot of social housing around here. Lots of estates, lots of streets of council houses. All around this one, proper high street. You can achieve really good chicken. Like painfully good. And it’s got really nice shops and things. I love it here. I don’t want to move, though I’ll have to in a year or two. Supported housing isn’t forever, you either move to higher, lower or no support after a one or two year tenancy.

All in all, life isn’t exactly easy, but things have really improved. I love putting little decorations up and making myself a little home. Living alone can be hard, but for me, I think it’s worth the effort. I don’t have to hide away, deal with unwanted advances from housemates, feel like I’m excluded r from my own home. This is now my home and I love it. I couldn’t ask for more. I can have who I want over, when I want. Or not. It’s great.

I’m lucky in some ways. A lot of people need social housing and right now, there’s a social housing crisis in London. I’m not lucky to have been put in the position where I got accommodation so quickly, but a lot of people aren’t deemed vulnerable enough to even get emergency accommodation in the borough. The right to buy scheme means that there are less council houses ever year, affordable housing and local authority housing isn’t being built quick enough and people wind up waiting in the system for years before they can get any help all. It’s pretty fucked. From here, once my tenancy is up, I’ll be one of the top priorities for council or LHA flats, and although I’m seriously grateful for that, I can’t help but feel horrible for all the people that don’t get the same opportunities because they’re not “sick” enough or don’t have children or haven’t yet been made street homeless, but are waiting on pending evictions. The system is broken and, although it has worked for me, the housing crisis is out of control. I’ve been unlucky enough to be prioritised, but it just gives me guilt for all the people that are so much more unlucky that they aren’t.

Fucking welfare cuts. Fucking welfare cap. Fucking Conservative bastards making those with hard lives have to fight all that much harder. Fucking Atos and their stupid assessments. Britain should be proud of its welfare state, not undermining it at every chance. And don’t even get me started on NHS cuts. The affects of that in my foundation trust for mental health have been uncontrollably damaging. But that’ll be for another post.

I’ll get off my soap box now. I’m going to go back to reading a beautiful book (The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman) and listening to some beautiful music (The Blank Project by Neneh Cherry and produced by Four Tet).

Hope this wasn’t super boring.

Lovelove x.

 

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Filed under Benefits, bpd, CRT, general, Housing, life, music, Progress, recovery, Welfare

“i’ve never been so alone.”

I know I’m being a spam queen, but I’ve now decided on my next unproductive, yet kinda productive task to keep me as distracted as possible to keep myself safe so I don’t care all that much.

I listen to my iPod whilst walking my dog. I love my iPod and it’s absolutely huge headphones because it isolates me from people and sounds. I’m hyper alert to sounds when I’m out alone, so instead I choose music. I get scared when people talk to me, so I just pretend or actually don’t hear them. I use it in less good situations too. Like at uni, I would wear my headphones and blast my music as loud as possible for as long as possible so no one would try to talk to me. Hence having made no new friends in a while.

The contents of my post dog walk coat pocket tipped on the bed. Big headphones and iPod included.

Anyway, I had my iPod on shuffle and this song came up:

This song reminds me of being really, really young. I don’t think many people will like it particularly, but bear in mind that I sincerely wish I was born a decade earlier so that I could have been 16-20 in the 90s and had the most fun on all the pills with all the dance and trance and euphoria in all the clubs. This song isn’t that old, but it’s in the same area of music for me. It makes me really sad, but it also makes me want to dance about. Dancing makes me happy.

This led to unproductive idea of the day number two: Make a playlist of songs I want to listen to when I’m sad because they make me feel sad, but will eventually make me happy because they’ll make me dance and jump about and that makes me really excited and happy and good.

(the task should have a shorter, snappier name than that, but I can’t think of one).

I have a few so far. Three of the best other ones I have are:

This song is really, really sad, but I really defy you not to jump. Plus it uses sciencey metaphors to describe heartache and pain and science makes me happy. I literally cannot help but jump when this comes on my headphones in the street – so much so I have a routine where I jump/dance when I’m walking. I love Darwin Deez so much. I only found this album in the last 6 months or something, so I was late to the party, but still. Heartbreakingly happy.

(credit to Nat for finding Darwin Deez for me. So much love. Mostly for Nat).

I know lots of people think that she’s all hipster and I get that hipsters like her, but I don’t care so don’t judge me. I love her. Granted, half the time I have no idea what she’s saying, but she too makes me feel like I should be in the 90s. I always dance to Grimes. Even when I’m sad. Even on the tube. I will especially stand up to dance to Grimes. Such big tunes from such a tiny woman.

And finally…

See? I really do just love the 90s. And Space. I love Space so much I’m seeing them live in a few weeks, even though no one even likes them anymore. This song is jokes, but also sad. I think a lot of Space songs are jokes, but sad. I’m really excited about seeing them soon so they were in my brain – thus they enter the playlist.

That’s all I’m going to give you from this playlist though.

I am going to give you one more song though. This is for a playlist I’ll make some other time because I actually think this is a good idea and I have lots of tracks buzzing in my brain. This one will go on the “When I’m really angry and I hate everyone and I need to cheer up and dance” playlist. It’s especially good when your anger is directed at someone.

I think everyone needs this song in their life. Seriously.

(And Nat gets an extra special thank you for this one because he put it on a CD of happy songs for me and he is right – lyrical genius).

Hopefully I’m done with spamming now. I think I’m gonna playlist then read some blogs to catch up a bit then hopefully the HTT will be here and I’ll have someone to talk to.

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Filed under bpd, coping strategies, general, music