I don’t have all that many pictures from when I was really ill, which I think is good. All of the pictures from when I was at my absolute worst involve sunglasses or being miserable so they aren’t particularly useful for this effort. Plus they are all actually really horrible. My face really shouldn’t have that little fat on it. It’s not very nice.
I did manage to find one that although isn’t the worst time, I was definitely restricting and pretty unwell. I was happy in that moment though I think. I was on a weekend away, drinking pretentious cocktails with the Boy that I loved and I was glad. This is actually a really good picture from that time period. I might not be healthy, but jeez, I don’t look half as bad as I do in some of the others. Probably because I’m genuinely feeling ok, and also it’s an ok angle, I’d eaten a big dinner and I’m not in my glasses. This is me smiling.
This next one is a picture of me today. I was laughing a lot and having a nice time. I’m pretty sad most of the time, but I was enjoying myself at this moment. I’d just figured out the mode on my camera that takes loads of pictures really quickly and I was pulling faces at it to see how my face moved in picture form. Most of the pictures are awful, but it was totally fun and I got some happy looking ones because I was laughing in between gurns. I got my smiling widget one in the same set. This is me smiling today.
Neither of these pictures are particularly nice and I really don’t like my face, but that isn’t the point of this exercise. I figured that all the people who it would actually matter to me what they thought of my face have already seen my face lots and lots of times with and without make up, dirty, whilst I’m so trashed I can’t see, the morning after etc. The rest of you can think what you like and chances are, I’ll never have to deal with it. I don’t feel uglier then all of you because I don’t know what most of you look like and I don’t think I need to impress any of you seeing as you’re mostly girls and I don’t fancy any of you. Trust me as well, I do really see the flaws so don’t think I’m so stupid I haven’t noticed. I wanted to pick some that were kinda similar to each other give the right idea, but in doing so I lost a bit of possible dramatic effect from putting up some hideous, no make-up, gaunt face. Also, I don’t really like dwelling on the worst and most emaciated I have looked. I hope you see what I mean anyway.
I think that there’s a whole lot of worry about appearance in recovery, and when you’re really sick as well. At least for me there was. I don’t think my restriction was purely to be thin because I think very much that not eating and exercising calms me down a lot and makes the world easier to manage for a bit, but I thought of my weight loss in terms of aesthetic. I could recognise I wasn’t objectively large, but still felt I’d look better smaller. It’s made weight gain pretty awful and I cannot stand my body on most days, but it’s gets less important I think and it affects me less as I get used to just being this size.
Recovery has wrecked my skin something rotten and it still flakes, but I went to my G.P. and Epiduo seems to be doing the trick with keeping the spots away. My beauty regime of Cetaphil face wash and SPF 15 moisturiser in the day, Clinique City Block SPF 40 if it’s sunny, followed by Ultrabland to cleanse, followed by Vanishing Cream at night have made my skin less dry than it would be otherwise, and my Laura Mercier oil free tinted moisturiser SPF 20 makes my skin look almost normal.
With acne and body image and all that rubbish, it’s easy to forget that actually, my face looks a hell of a lot better now. My cheeks and all full and round and pink and I look less tired and drawn. All things considered, that probably makes me look better regardless of how horrid my skin is and how fat I feel. I look healthier and happier and just generally nicer. I moan about my body and face, but my face is definitely nicer than it was the last few years regardless of the spots, and that’s the first thing people notice anyway.
Plus also, I’ve really got to get over the fact I don’t want anyone to see my face so I thought it might help a little bit. Shove my face in your throats in the hope that it’ll make it easier for me to actually see some of you.
I should stop focusing on every part of me I think is worse and start looking at what’s better. I’m going to have positive body image if it kills me I swear.