“your love is gonna drown.”

I typed this out a couple of nights ago. I didn’t post it because I wasn’t sure if it made sense. I think maybe it does make sense, but I also didn’t want to be a reader spammer. You know how it is. Plus I wasn’t sure if it was too personal. I hope it’s not…

Friday 19th October 2012

Today, me and the Psychologist went over the weeks happenings as normal – the usual “any drugs/alcohol/self-injury/sex/shopping?” questions as standard. Then we went over the assessment and the group. He knew how much I’d been stressing about it and how scared I was, so he was nice and kind about it – not pushing too hard. He said it’s totally normal to feel kinda ambivalent about the whole diagnosis thing and to find it hard to settle with it. It’s both good and bad. Good because there’s a comfort in knowing that some of the things that make me hurt can be treated and that I’m not the only one and that I’m not just bad at being alive. Bad because it means I’m broken all through my brain and have been for a long time. Broken in a way that may never be fixed. He was nice about it though. He said he’s known me for over a year and knows me pretty well now and he doesn’t think I’m broken or bad. He explicitly said “You’re not at all a bad person Ellie” , which made me feel a little reassured.

We talked a little about how my suicidal thoughts and impulses are increasing right now. He thinks that partly it’s to due with the treatment changes, but mostly to recent life dramas. There’s things going on which I find really too difficult to manage. I’ve had horrible things said and done to me, and horrible things I’ve said and done back. My insides feel disgusting and I’m sad and feel pretty hopeless. Love and intimacy are funny things really. They break you up from the inside out. Caring always seems to be where sorrow starts to drip inside from. We talked a lot about what I get out of relationships and how I view relationships in general. I always think in terms of the other persons needs and desires, not the things that I legitimately need in return. That doesn’t mean that I don’t get angry and argue my point, but I’m always left feeling so fucking horrible inside if I get what’s best for me, and I give in quite often to things I don’t want to because I just get full of guilt for being selfish, even if its simply because I know they’ll hurt me instead. It’s not just the way I few the world, but also the ways others view and treat me. And the problem is that I just can’t get away from it. I can’t let it go. I start to hate and be angry and get away, but the barrage of guilt quickly build up and I cave all over again. Each time it’s worse and I honestly don’t even know if I get anything but hurt by doing it. I don’t even know why I want it so much. I just can’t let go. I can’t let people leave.

And then I got confused and upset and really began to think about some of the damaging things that I keep let happening to me and because of me, but time was up and off I had to go. I hate when therapy leaves everything unresolved, raw and opened up. I had an optician appointment straight after, so I had to go to the nearest decent town centre. However, there are shops there and after therapy is my worse time to shop. I buy waaaay too much when I’m stressed and sad. I get it into my head that stuff will somehow make me more acceptable. I’m the ultimate gullible consumer, even though it goes against a lot of my beliefs. I just want to be better so I can get things right for once and I think things that I buy can help with that. I have literally got no money right now, so out of my overdraft, I had to buy a new pair of glasses because lost one pair and smashed the other when I was angry, so haven’t been able to see properly for a while. That was a necessary purchase, but I walked past Topshop and there was a sale and well… I had to buy these stripy dungarees that I’d wanted for about 6 months but had always been too expensive (now down to £10!) and holographic silver leggings. Then I went to Boots to pick up some prescriptions which should have been a totally free shop to visit, but there was a 3 for 2 sale on Barry M nail varnish… With the glasses on top of that, I spent over £50 I don’t actually have… I have so much guilt – especially after the iPad incident. I felt better though.

I mean, you have to admit my buys are awesome.

20121023-123907.jpg
Plus, you’ve got to admit, the dungarees look really great.

20121023-124051.jpg
See?

Then it started to rain and I was dreading the walk home, but I’m way to poor to take bus luxuries, especially after these buys. I didn’t know what to do. I was tired, hungry and didn’t want to be wet, so I decided “fuck it. Bus it is. Considering how much I’d spent already, what’s the difference now?” Luck was one my side today though because the Oyster machine on the bus wasn’t working, so they didn’t charge me. Plus the dungarees were only £10. It was as if the world had aligned to understand the pathetic situation I was I and gave me a tiny gift to make up for how shit I feel and give me a smidgin of faith that sometimes things work out.

So yer, I’m not even feeling too bad right now. The drugs and shopping might be helping, but I’m able to block out how horrible today has been for a while. Tomorrow, I’ll deal with money issues and the guilt and how horrible I feel every day. Tomorrow, I’ll worry about the dirt and what to do to fix all these broken situations. Tomorrow, I’ll worry about what I might have to do.

Later that afternoon…

I typed that before I walked my dog in the rain. By this point, all the Valium had made the rain really fun – comforting and atmospheric. It started to get s bit dark on the walk. Not fully dark, but a bit dark, and I had to walk for longer than usual because I’d promised the Ma I would and I didn’t want to upset or disappoint her. The good thing about Valium is that it didn’t cause a panic attack. At points, I was shit scared, hyper vigilant, making every movement into a catastrophe in my head, flashbacks. It was shit and hard, but I didn’t fully break down. I didn’t stop freeze, tense up and close my eyes to just give in to the inevitable, I didn’t have a panic attack. That is a serious up point of Valium I hadn’t noticed before because I just don’t go out in the dark by myself. Ever.

Then in the evening…

I couldn’t just leave it all till tomorrow. Receiving phone calls I didn’t know If I could avoid without ruining everything, stressing out and a lot of awkwardness. I just need time to clear my head – a little breathing space to think. Maybe I’m unreasonable. Maybe I read into thinks too much. Facial expressions, tone of voice, verbal misunderstandings. I don’t know. Maybe I’m the problem. Therapy sometimes makes you get that feeling where you start to feel like just maybe there are other options. Maybe you’re not always in the wrong maybe it’s ok to think about your own needs and stick up for them. Then, in just one second, something comes along and all that hope for the smallest sense you’d thought you could maybe start to believe you’re not just rubbish and your needs are valid, you suddenly realise just is not true and your therapist makes you believe in lies. Some people are just bad and therapy can’t fix that. You were a bitch all along. Nothing can ever change that.

On top of that, I’m starting to believe the Ex is really sick. Everyone deserves support for mental illness. Everyone deserves to get healthy. I don’t want to leave someone to fend for themselves. If I’d been left, I might have died by now. I want to help as many people as I can to feel better, regardless of how they effect me. That’s what nice people do right? ANd I don’t want to be bad anymore. I want to do the right thing.

So now it’s just bad all over again. I can’t keep fucking up. I fuck other people up too. And I need to help.

The Brother is entirely angry. Angry because he loves me. And he’s sad because he thinks that some day soon, he’s going to find himself in a situation he wants to avoid. He’s scared because he thinks that at some point, a line will be crossed and he’ll feel forced to round up my supporters and hurt someone. The Ma said she’d take a brick. I think they were being dramatic. I hope it’s all just being dramatic. Now I’m scared that if I end up destroying myself, it’ll be all my fault if someone gets hurt. And it not stable enough to know that won’t happen. Not right now.

I’m so full of guilt and shame and confusion. Fuck this.

So there you have it – a day in my life really. Obvs I missed quite a bit out as you can tell though. Right now, I appear to be living in an incredibly destructive cycle and I can’t get out of it because I don’t know how. I do try to do good, but I can’t seem to. I can’t sit with how I feel at all. I can’t cope with how horrible it all is, so I use destructive methods of coping with it and then let it all happen all over again. Reading over this made it seem so clear how I fuck this up time and time again. Yet I know it’s already started again today. Same every day. Except sometimes there are parties involved…

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8 Comments

Filed under bpd, general, life, rubbish, shopping

8 responses to ““your love is gonna drown.”

  1. those dungarees are the SHIZNIT. im beyond jell. is that you in the pic??? you look stunning girl! :-) x

    • Totes me. Thanks for the compliment. Go get them whilst you still can! Only 10 pounds in the Topshop sale. I bet you can even get them online…. Maybe I should check online too. Hmm x.

  2. Mary

    Agree with Clemmy, those dungarees are awesome, and you’re looking good!

    I have the spending problem too. Mainly clothes, used to think it was an anorexia type hoarding thing, but nah. I do it even now, so dunno really! It’s self distructive yet owning things makes me feel momentarily better…

    Always nice to read a post by you, even though I seem to lurk more than comment these days!

    x

    • Lurking is fine by me. I hope your doing well right now. You stopped showing up in my reader for some reason, but it’s been rectified now. Bloody wordpress. But thanks for the compliment.

      I buy all the time. I do it with everything. Makeup, video games, books, eBay, clothes and apparently iPads. I just think they’ll make me a better person. Create me into the image I want to be rather than who I am. I duno. It’s silly I know, but I can’t help it. It’s mostly when I’m stressed or excited. Particularly stressed. Annoying habit ruining my bank balance. Standardly though. Still, my psychiatrist is recommending to my local council that I get a freedom pass so hopefs I’ll at least save on transport if that works out. I’ll be like one of those old people lolz.

      Nice to hear from you though.

      Love x.

  3. Hey babe!

    Please, if you can’t sit with it, get someone to sit with you. Call someone, or ask mom or brother or anyone to sit with you or go do something to take your mind off of things. You can do that, I know you can.

    You don’t have to help everyone. Especially not people who are destructive for you. There are other people, his fam and specialists too, that can help him. Honestly Ellie? You are not in the place to help someone with that kinda crap. He is not your responsibility, you are not his keeper.

    And you look FAB in the *dungarees*?! Dude, never heard of the word, but embracing it. Sounds like something you should wear in the outback though. “G’day mate. Imma put my bloody dungarees on and hit the barbie”

    • Dungarees are typically associated with American hillbillies kinda thing. They’re just like denim shorts with a top bit. I’m sure you’ve got some other name for them though. Thank you though. They are nang.

      I know my posts are getting pretty desperate at the moment, but I think I am doing ok. I mean… I’m just going through a lot of rubbish right now but I’m trying to keep on top of it anyway. I have to help though. I can’t just leave someone without a support system. Right now I’m the only support system available. I have to help.

      I duno. I’m a confused one. I guess I’ll figure it all out soon enough. I hope I do at least. Everything is just a bit much right now. Sad times.

      Btw, I did get you little card. It’s really nice and sitting on my windowsill right now :) Thank you. You are so completely lovely. x.

  4. i LOVE those dungarees lovely.
    Im so sorry things are sad. and sad times. I wish I lived even closer just so I could come sit with you and then I could try making you laugh.
    I made a new blog. I have the thing whereby I say too much shit sometimes and then I cringe reading it back. It was too much stuff to delete, so I made new blog and will be writing crap here:- http://carryonrecovering.wordpress.com/
    It’s rhio, aka roxy, aka adverseuniverse. Im properly me over here. Like real name and everything. It was about time.
    Loves you x

  5. First time commentor but damn I love those dungarees!

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