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things in the last few days.

Wednesday 14th November 2012

So I’ve been having a bit of a blog break. My world has been a moody, hectic and stressful. I withdraw from the blog world when things are rubbish. Things are a bit rubbish right now.

The biggest rubbish thing is that Juno is very, very unwell. She started vomiting everything she ate and got really weak and feeble. The Fam took her to the vets last night and she needed an emergency operation, which she had in the middle of the night last night. Turns out, she’d swallowed a peach stone and it’d got stuck in her intestine. It’d completely blocked her gut and her gut had started to grow around it, so it was becoming a part of her. If we’d left it any longer, her gut would have probably ruptured overnight and she would have died, but she’s healthy and young and got there in time so she looks like she’s going to be ok. They had to remove six inches of her gut, and they also spayed her so she’s pretty unwell right now. She’s still at the vets to be monitored, plus she’s super doped up on painkillers, but me and the Brother got to visit her today and she seemed pleased to see us. Her bat ears stuck up and she rested her head on us and ate a little food and drank a little water. Hopefully she’ll be home on Friday (if everything goes as smoothly as it seems right now), but we won’t know for sure if she’s fully healed till a weeks time. Luckily, they don’t think there’ll be any lasting complications. Fingers crossed.

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Juno at the vets, snuggling the Brother

So yer, right now I have no dog and I’m worried and sad and have no one to look after me in that way that dogs look after you. They really do save you sometimes. I miss her and she’s only been gone a day. I hate not having a dog around. So much.

On top of this, our kitchen has just started being redecorated. This is stressful in an eating disorder way (obvs.), but also because my house is full of people and its loud and hard to feel comfortable. They turn up, bump into HTT, smash things and generally lead to me hiding away. I hate people in my house, especially when I’m meant to be home alone. I like my alone time. It’s important to me. I like empty space sometimes.

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The £2,000 peach stone

There are good points to it though. In one of my more hyper moments, I decided to create an incredibly selfish Facebook event in which I invite myself to people’s houses for dinner so that they can cook me nice foods to make the transition a little easier. I’ve been struggling with food a bit recently and I’ve lost a couple of kilos, so I think it’s important to try keep my eating up regardless. I figured what better to kick an eating disorder sneaking back in than letting other people cook me normal people meals. I used to find other people cooking for me horrific, then uncomfortable, but now fine. I figure this way, I’m less in control and will probably at least maintain a vaguely healthy weight for a while. Maybe I’ll even gain some weight. That’d probably be a good thing if it does happen. It’s only two weeks. Plus I’ll get to spend a little more time with my friends, which is always fun. Yesterday I saw a couple of people and their aces gecko Ricardo and we ordered Thai and drunk wine and gin and I had a nice time. It was good to see people. Especially people I don’t see enough and actually really like.

But yer, the kitchen makes life more difficult. It’s annoying and makes eating hard. Especially with Valium withdrawal. Valium withdrawal symptoms come and go in varying intensities, but it basically sucks out. I occasionally break and end up taking more than I should, but it is so hard you have no idea. It’s like the worst flu ever – tremors run through your entire body, you’re exhausted but can’t sleep, you get extreme fluctuations in body temperature and mood, my brain is louder, my appetite is just gone, there’s dizziness and generally feeling like you could collapse at any point, your head gets foggy and everything gets less real, you shake and have that not sleep you get with a fever, nightmares, increased urges self-injurious thoughts, anger, irritability, feeling like you literally might be about to die because you can’t breathe, feel nauseous and so dizzy you literally cannot stand. It’s shit. Another reason blogging has been a little rubbish recently.

Another stress had been the major amount of life admin I’ve had to go through recently. Sorting out my freedom pass, upgrading my phone with O2 and Carphone Warehouse, sorting out the Ma’s new phone contract, switching banks, sorting out a new student bank account, trying to work out uni, sorting out deferring my Professional Careers Development Loan due to being in benefits, having no money. It basically means I’ve spent what feels like years on hold. On hold to O2, Carphone Warehouse, NatWest, Co-Operative Bank, Tesco Mobile, Job Centre Plus, university etc. Urgh. I actually feel like I’ve done so much, but it’s probably haven’t done all that much really. I still haven’t decided if I want to insure my iPhone and iPad, so that might be a little bit more admin, but it’s like the least important bit left.

Treatment is also really bringing me down. I’m hating on the HTT, arguing with CDAT, telling the Psychologist I hate him more than anyone else and how he can’t help me, telling everyone off, shouting at the IMPART group that I’m never coming back because they suck. I don’t even know if I need help, but everyone thinks I do and I don’t know what to do about it. Double urgh.

Thursday 15th November 2012

So I did my finish my post yesterday – I got too Valium ill. Sorry.

Things are a bit brighter today because I got to pick up Juno from the vet because the recovery has been going so well. She’s going to need special food and special medications and special walks for a week, but she’s doing well. She’s very confused from all the painkillers and I think they make life a little difficult, but she’s beautiful and home and the vets all really like her and she doesn’t even have to wear a cone on her head because she’s been so good and isn’t even touching her stitches because she’s so well-behaved. I love my puppy so much. I’ve been appointed supreme pup watcher for the next week so I’m going to be well on watching her to keep her safe. She makes me so happy. I’m still scared, but it looks like she’s going to be ok. I now have a purpose again – keep Juno safe and healthy and happy.

I also actually went to my IMPART group today. It wasn’t as bad as the past few weeks, but I think I’ve realised that I’m actually quite behind where a lot of others in the group are right now. I’m pretty sure I’m the youngest and I’m pretty sure that I’m not as good at managing my emotions and impulses as most of them. What they are showing us seems impossible right now. Today, it was anger and anxiety management, but it was all like “in between the trigger and the behaviour, you have all this time to intervene and stop your thought processes etc.”, but all I could think was “what time between trigger and behaviour? There is no time between trigger and behaviour.” It made me feel pretty useless. I don’t think I can stop my impulsive behaviours. I honestly don’t know how. In showing me how, I got to listen to what other people do and it was all like “exercise” which I can’t do without going overboard, or “learn to be assertive” or “step outside the situation.” I am really not good at being assertive and have pretty poor interpersonal skills. I do ok with the people who know me really well, but not so much with new people, and even when the people I’m in love with make me feel too much, I often react in the wrong ways. They deal with it though. I think there’s a general feeling within my friendship circle that I’m not actually the problems, which makes my friends super aces. I’m just realising I really don’t have any coping mechanisms for managing my emotions. Except self-harm, spending money, not eating and getting fucked. Way to go Ellie – fucking useless at self-regulation. Triple urgh.

I am actually complying with treatment though. Kinda. I struggle with the Valium thing a bit, and I drink too much and smoke too much, self-injure too much. I know this, but I’m not trying to fix it because I don’t have any other ways too. Still, I actually went to all my appointments. On most days, I do actually get dressed and out of bed, even if I haven’t slept much. I am really trying to be budget and to eat lots and to stay as safe as possible. I don’t call the HTT as much as I should, but I don’t like them as a whole unit. They can’t keep me safe from myself and I won’t let them really. Maybe I’m half complying.

The thing is, although I’m taking some action to get better, I’m not sure if I believe I’m ill or deserve help or need to get better or have the motivation to. Intense emotions suck out, but sometimes they are great because intense love and intense happiness and intense excitement are really fabz. However fleeting and uncontrollable these emotions may be, I honestly believe I feel them stronger than other people. I know black and white thinking can be bad – everything is all or nothing. However, I have a strong sense of right and wrong and I like that. When applied to myself, it sucks, when applied to outside circumstances, I have a strong opinion and without the grey, I gain passion. Sure, my identity and opinions can change rapidly depending on my surroundings, but I think it means I am more able to empathise with other people sometimes as I really do absorb their views so whole heartedly. My impulsivity around things like drugs and alcohol and shopping etc. make me more fun to be around sometimes. Sure, the dissociation, negative self-beliefs, parasuicidal behaviours, impulsivity when alone etc. suck, but there are positive things about the way I am now. And that’s the thing – this is who I am. I don’t know if I want to be anyone else. I’m taking action, yet I see the positives and don’t know if I’m ready for change.

Still, being unable to work and being unable to do the things I want to do and struggling every fucking day might make this all worth it. I just don’t like knowing what’ll be left of me when this is all done. Will I even be me? I hate not knowing.

But finally, some other great news – my uni have decided to waive my fees and make me a part-time student so I can access all the support I need. This makes me supez happy. It’s also scary as it means I’ll actually have to finish my degree this year, but I have a whole year to do a dissertation so hopefully it’ll be ok. I’m scared, but at least I’m able to access any support I need. Fingers crossed. Once my freedom pass shows up, I’ll be back at uni to try sort it all out.

So goods and bads and lots in between. This is some sort of update I guess. I hope you’re all well.

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Juno having a nap – home again :)

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“you are not permitted to leave.”

Tuesday 30th October

So I did actually go to the CDAT drop-in service today. My half best/half worst (I can’t decide) HTT was at the assessment with me, which would have been really supportive if it was one of the HTT people I actually find supportive. This one I know quite well. He tries so hard to be friendly and nice, which I obviously appreciate, but he often pushes familiarity too far then I get uncomfortable and want him to leave. He’s a mixed bag.

Anyway CDAT. It was really surreal. I don’t generally say things like this, but my gosh I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone quite so gay. The guy assessing me had the campest, scouse accent I’ve ever heard. I actually really liked him because he was such a sweetie. He told me his heart just wanted to look after me like a little sister, which might seem weird, but given his general personality, it was really nice. He is possibly the least formal person I’ve ever dealt with in the NHS ever. It was strange though because I (obvs.) had to do a urine test (again urgh) and whilst doing so, he sang Stevie Wonder and Diana Ross to me. He called me “babe” and “baby” a lot. He also told my hair was fantastic and that I remind him of his Mum in the 80s. Apparently, she was a hot Mum so he was always proud when she picked him up from school. She was also apparently “a fashionista” and dressed just like Madonna in the 80s and apparently I look just like Madonna in the 80s too. When I get anxious, I sometimes pick my nail varnish off, which he noticed, so I said that nail varnish is a great distraction technique because it means you literally cannot do anything bad for a while, to which he replied “Baby – do you really think I’ve not worn nail varnish before?” I think I might be slightly in love with him. He was so fantastic, though it’s weird to have someone sing to you whilst you pee. Seriously, it makes peeing really hard. He had the most perfect hair as well. He was really warm and friendly and made me feel comfortable and lovely.

It was kinda interesting. They tested me for bare drugs and I only passed/failed or whatever benzodiazepines and cannabis. Apparently, amphetamines are cleared from your body in three days which I didn’t actually know. And they don’t do standard urine tests for MDMA in case anyone was wondering. It was like drugs pregnancy tests. One line is positive, 2 is negative. I had no alcohol in my system either, but that was less of a surprise. The actual assessment was over an hour, so a bit intense. Lots of talk about my past (in both mental health and general terms), self-harm, abuse, family history (both personal and mental health) etc. Long tingz.

In the end though, he thinks they’ll help me. I don’t think I actually need their help, but the Psychiatrist wanted me to so that’s that. The guy that assessed me talked about day-patient treatment, but I really don’t think that’s necessary at all and said that. He’s taking my case to their team meeting tomorrow and he’s going to call me back to tell me about what keyworker I end up with and what the treatment will include etc. I don’t even know if they’ll take me because my problems seem pretty tiny in comparison to most of the people they must treat, yet he seemed pretty positive they’d help. But then isn’t that always the way – I assume my problems are completely not important to anyone but me, yet everyone else tells me I need treatment.

So treatment team number 5 is now officially involved. Five. Five treatment teams. Why do so many people not get the treatment they need, yet they keep throwing it at me when I don’t need it or deserve it? It’s not like I’m really that bad in comparison to some of the people I’ve talked to/emailed/read about. It really bugs me.

In other news, I’m not pregnant, which is pretty great. I’ve been freaking out about it for days. Incredibly late period, unprotected sex and yes I did use emergency contraception, but it’s less effective if you use more than once in like 2/3 months or something. So yer, serious freaking out, but I finally caved and did it and it’s fine, which is one massive stress off my shoulders, but it was quickly replaced by another – if I’m not pregnant, where’s my period gone? I do not want to have lost weight again and although I haven’t checked for a while, I was pretty sure I hadn’t, but now not so much. And there are so many other reasons you can lose your period, some of which are serious and some of which aren’t. I’m just going to pretend it isn’t an issue for a few more weeks and see what happens. I’ll go G.P. in a bit if it doesn’t sort itself out, but I’m there so often I feel like an idiot, needy bitch each time I go and think all the G.P.’s find me annoying and hate me.

In further, slightly (to most people) or incredibly (to me) traumatically, I accidentally shut the car door on my headphone jack today. If it had been the wire, it would have been fine, but it was the jack, which has now split. I now have no good headphones for walking with. I (obviously) immediately ordered some more on amazon and paid an extra £8 so they’ll turn up tomorrow, but I cursed and cried a lot a lot about it throughout the day. Plus I have no idea what time they’ll show up tomorrow, so I’m stuck in the house until they show, which both sucks (because I hate being shut in) and is great (because it means I won’t have to go anywhere with rubbish music capabilities). Plus my new headphones are prettier because they are cream colour.

But since I wrote this about an hour ago, I’ve had suicide threats thrown at me since and now I want to completely obliterate my entire brain into a haze of alcohol and drugs.

Fuck all this.

Thursday 1st November.

So today, I finally sobered up. I had to be sober for therapy this morning. Generally, I’m all for dramatic displays of distress – I storm out of therapy, storm in again, pout in anger etc. – but I make a point of turning up at therapy sober (not including Valium). I want to have my actual emotions in therapy, not chemically induced ones. After my disastrous phone call and crying, I cut myself quite badly, the HTT gave me some Valium, I drank a lot of vodka, went to the pub, drunk more vodka, went home with some more vodka, then got a medium amount of off my tits till about 4:30/5am. I then took some zopiclone and diazepam, got comfortably stoned and fell asleep to 30 Rock. The next day was Hallowe’en and I was obviously excited. The Ma buys all these great Hallowe’en themed treats and socks and gruesome scar stickers etc., so I was running around, feeling the festive cheer. It all seemed ok.

Then the HTT psychiatrist came over and I had a horrible conversation, realised I felt really shit about the incident the night before so obviously I spent all of Wednesday abusing my secret stash of diazepam, smoking too much and watching Fresh Meat curled up in bed, absolutely fucked. Obliteration of the mind so you literally cannot think. Even walking the dog was a minefield of not falling over and not going the wrong way and now walking into trees. All I managed to eat yesterday was some Hallowe’en chocolate and the McDonald’s the Brother bought home for me. It was all high calorie so I’m hopeful it was enough food. I just couldn’t deal with how horrible my insides are and all the guilt and it sucked out, so I just made it too chemically difficult to have coherent thoughts.

I’ve eaten slightly better today. Lots of fruit and veg and whole grain carbs so I can feel marginally healthy. As well as some cake (obvs). Therapy was really early, so my sobriety started from the get go. Today, therapy was hard. I’m pissed at the Psychologist for calling the Fam, though I tried really hard not to be because I had too much on my mind to not actually talk to him. I’ve put myself in a situation incredibly difficult to get out of and really needed to find new angles to think about. I actually felt good coming home from therapy today because I felt like there could be answers, so was impressively productive when I got home. I paid the Ma back (I owed her over £350 pound), sorted out moving my student account from NatWest to Co-Op because Co-Op are just nicer, found out how to defer the payment of my Professional Careers Development Loan, called uni and found out my dissertation deferral has been accepted and what my new deadline is, as well as what I’ll need to do to enrol as a “Non-attending Student” (which means another student card!), called the uni library to get my books renewed (even though they are hopelessly overdue and I can’t afford to pay them back) and got told they’ll probably waive the overdue fees anyway due to illness, I completed my application for a London Only Mental Health Freedom Pass (FREE TRANSPORT! YUSS!), walked Juno and got her a new lead and decided I’m going to get an iPhone 5 (because I like the clean interface and I want it to sync with my iPad which arrives tomorrow). That is so much more than I ever do. Mostly, I do nothing. I write, watch crap television, lie down a lot and walk the dog. Not today though. I actually sorted shit out. I’m pleased with myself for that really.

But then, as per usual, another phone call, another devastation, another HTT visit (from my #1 favorite, which was good) and now I’ve had some Valium as prescribed and am drinking vodka alone. The HTT person told me I can’t be responsible for other people’s feeling and actions, but that would mean that other people couldn’t give cause my emotional responses and that’s bullshit. So now I think I am the most responsible, the only support network and the worse person ever for trying to put my needs first by using what I’d picked up in therapy. A lot of days wind up like this. In a minute, I’m probably going to get into bed to read some blogs, watch some crap television, cry and try not to cut myself again. Sorry I haven’t been commenting. To be honest, I’ve been a little bit to out of it for coherent sentences. Sorry for being a selfish blog bitch.

Now I’m going to give you a song I should never, ever listen to. I’m going to give you some Postal Service. Give Up has been one of my favorite albums since year 9/10 (whatever year work experience was in my school. I know it was early though because they were all like “it can’t interfere with your G.C.S.E.s blah blah blah.” I used to listen to it on my first generation, pea green iPod mini), so I’ve loved and hated it since before it was cool, whilst it was cool and after it was cool. It is right up there with Transatlantism by Death Cab and Twenty One by Mystery Jets int the top 5 albums that fuck me up. Too much emotional attachment. Too much heartache. Too many memories. So of course, I’m listening to Postal Service now and I thought I’d share with you exactly how my of a fucking disappointment I feel in one of the songs that makes me feel like I have nothing left in the world. So here –

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mistake.

So I accidentally pressed some keys and published something completely unfinished and without point. To anyone that email subscribes, ignore it and I’ll actually post something soon. Promise.

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look! i got an award!

So guys, I got kindly nominated for an award through Rox at Adverse Universe. Although I can’t say that all of her posts are particularly enjoyable, her art is fabz and pretty lolz, plus her recovery experiences are both inspiring, honest and insightful I think. Also, she’s a bit of a bod and as we all know, bods are pretty nang. So yer, you should check it out if you haven’t, though I’m reckoning most of the people who read this would have already.  Genuinely caring woman with a pretty comprehensive handle on words and images.

It’s a bit strange to get nominated for things. I don’t really get the whole thing really. I don’t write primarily for a blog audience, but for my actual friends who read this. I don’t really do that much blog promotion and I’m not trying to share actually interesting or original things, but just want to let the friends that never went away know a bit about me and how I got to the place I’m in and why I can be a bit of a weirdo. However, as I got kinda more into the blog thing, I realised that the community experience thing is entirely fantastic. I’ve found so much support from some seriously admirable people and it honestly makes the whole recovery processes ten million billion times less lonely. I mean, on purely a physical kick, recovery is entirely lonely. Gaining weight is something no one seems to do all that much and society tends to frown upon it. Having a bunch of people who are going through the same thing makes it feel more acceptable, which I think makes it easier. And then there’s the thought processes and all that stuff, and to be honest, it’s so good to have other people talk about their experiences. You realise that actually, although the people are different, the eating disorders are all kinda the same. It makes the disordered stuff easier to identify and you find out so many useful ways of working through if from the experiences of others. So yer, getting awards is a bit weird, but in a good way because this tiny corner of the blog world has been an incredibly asset in my recovery. It’s nice because you feel more included.

Without further ado.

The steps to take, preferably with joy

1. Include the award logo somewhere in your blog.
2. Answer these 10 questions, below, for fun if you want to.
3. Nominate 10 to 12 blogs you enjoy. Or you pick the number.
4. Pay the love forward: Provide your nominee’s link in your post and comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been included and invited to participate.
5. Pay the love back with gratitude and a link to the blogger(s) who nominated you.

The Questions: 

1. What is your favorite colour?

Yellow. It’s just so happy.

2. What is your favorite animal?

Slow lorises. Because they are just so unbelievably slow. And great white sharks. Because sharks get such a bad rep, but they’re just so good. They’re so perfectly evolved and so brutal. I always want them to win in documentaries. I really like predators in general. And whales. Because they are HUGE.

3. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?

Coffee. Or diet coke, but I’m ashamed at diet coke because I know just how evil they are. I got over that addiction for a bit, but then I stopped smoking and got re-addicted. When I’m more comfy not smoking, I’m gonna try cut back again.

4. Do you prefer Facebook or Twitter?

I don’t understand twitter, so facebook. But I hate facebook. So much. And to be honest, I don’t really understand it either. Plus I just end up staring at all the people I know who are more beautiful than me and living way better lives. Essentially, it makes me feel bad about myself. So maybe twitter.

5. What is your favorite pattern?

You know something? I have never even considered this. I’ve never looked at a pattern and thought “now that is slightly better than polka dot, but not as good as paisley.” I’m trying to pick a pattern I like out of the ones I can see, but my room is full of clashing patterns so it’s slightly overwhelming. Plus then there are all those patterns in nature. And I’ve taken enough hallucinogens to really appreciate a good fractal. I think I like patterns too much to decide, though now I’m going to put serious thought into a pattern top five because I think I’ve found a hole in my rolling, internal top five index.

6. Do you prefer giving or getting presents?

I’m rubbish at buying presents, and I love to get them so probably receive, though that makes me sound like a bitch. I always worry that I’ll get the present wrong and the other person will hate it thus hate me and think I’m an idiot. I spend hours and hours looking for the perfect gift when I go present shopping and end up getting really upset and stressed and spending far more money than I can afford in the hunt for the perfect give, then hate everything I’ve bought anyway and feel ashamed to give them to people. It’s stressful. I tend to like all the presents I get though because in general, I tend to like stuff. Plus it’s so lovely that people care enough. However, I do really like buying treats for people. Not presents, but treats. I like baking for them, or buying especially nice chocolate for them, or tickets for a night out, or dinner, or cocktails, or stupid cheap plastic toot that makes me laugh, or picnics. It’s not the same as presents though, its implusive treats that require no thought.

7. What is your favorite number?

Eight. I used to eat in eights, when I’m stressed I do eights (write or say or tap eight sets of eight sets of eights. By the time you’ve done, you’re calmer because you really have to concentrate. If you get it wrong, you have to start again, so it required concentration) and other, so good, some a lot less good things. Just in general, eight looks and feels comfortable, it feels like a nice complete set, it multiplies and divides well, plus the digit is continuous so leaves nothing hanging. I promise you though, I’m really not OCD.

8. What is your favorite day of the week?

Tuesday. Because it feels fresh. The worst is Thursday. Thursday is always stormy.

9. What is your favorite flower?

Umm… A yellow one? I really don’t know flowers. I like daffodils because the grow in the forest and the dandelions on my lawn, but there are nicer flowers out there, I just don’t know what they are or worry enough about them. I like trees and moss and lichen best. Flowers are pretty, but not as interesting to me.

10. What’s your passion?

You know what, I’m actually quite low on passion at the moment. When I’m able to feel passionate, I am about my subjects (anthropology and archaeology both), though I do genuinely believe that anthropology is actual such a crucial discipline when used correctly. Actually, archaeology is aswell. Much more than history. Archaeology is the only way to learn facts about the human past. Lots of people think archaeology naturally feeds into historical facts and this isn’t strictly true. Archaeologists and historians disagree all the time, though use each others findings to fuel their own analyses of the past. History comes from documents, archaeology comes from things. And because of that, archaeology proves historical evidence wrong pretty regularly. Documents aren’t fact, they are the opinion of someone from the past. Things are facts though. How we interpret either is entirely subjective and completely fallible, but the fact that things existed in the places they were found at certain times is fact. Plus without archaeology, all of prehistory would be completely unknowable. I’m also passionate about science, politics and the things I hate. I hate with a passion even when I’m not full of enjoyable passion. I passionately hate.

Nominees. Most of the blogs I read have been nominated elsewhere. Or they seem to have stopped blogging for the moment. Or I read them secretly so they don’t know and I don’t really want to spring a “hey – You don’t know me but…” on anyone. I’ve been kinda floating in and out of blogging due to university stresses (which is now on to dissertation. All day. Every day. Really depressing. All the time) so haven’t had much time to involve myself in some of the blogs I’ve more recently found. I will mention two though that I haven’t noticed nominated elsewhere.

Have your cake – Really lolz, really nice, recovery orientated blog. Genuinely a favorite blog and so helpful to me. And suitably grumpy which I actually enjoy. So many shared experiences and so much help and support.

With Eyes Closed I Look Closer – I’m pretty sure she was one of the first people to read my blog after my real world friends. She’s struggled a lot but is making serious headway in recovery at the moment and is honestly a really supportive friend so deserves  a shout out. Without this blogger, it would have taken me a lot longer to find my blogging stride, plus it would have been a lot lonelier.

All the other peeps I like and read should just do this too. I officially nominate you, if you haven’t already been :).

So there you go.

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concrete actions.

So tomorrow, my life turns to shit for a few weeks. I’ve got this take home exam which is basically just like normal uni essays, except I have to do two in as many weeks with no prior time to prep. It’s going to be rubbish and chances are I’m not going to blog or keep up with anyone in internet or more conventional ways, so I figured I get a post out before it all kicks off and I crawl into a tiny hole and cry at how unfair university can be.

Basically, there’s still a lot on my mind that I’m struggling with and I’m finding myself kinda lost if that makes sense. And scared. Things are pretty scary for me at the moment. Scary and sad. I saw the CMHT people on Thursday with the promise of trying some new medications, but my technical consultant (whom I’ve never met – I see his SHO) wasn’t there to confirm prescriptions so that was supposed to be held of till Friday. On Friday I had a call explaining that my consultant wants to meet me with his SHO to discuss options. They’re seeing me pretty quickly (next Tuesday. Hideous looking day – weird psychologist and dietitian double team session including weigh-in, followed by this) and there was lots of talk of “first possible time to fit you in.” They also want me to bring my parents. I don’t know why. I asked why and they didn’t tell me. I’m 23. I don’t need my parent’s permission and I don’t see how it’s appropriate for them to be there when I potentially have to discuss my symptoms with someone I’ve never met to decide on medications. That gets to be confidential, doesn’t it? So I’m not taking my parents until I can suss out why this consultant I’ve never met wants to meet them. The whole thing is just adding to the fear and stress. I don’t really understand what’s going on and no one will explain it to me. I hate not knowing. I did see the EDU psychiatrist today. I tried really hard to explain at least some of what’s going on with her, but she wasn’t that useful either. She basically said “Talk to the psychologist and talk to the CMHT.” She did weigh me though and I’m successfully maintaining (slightly down, but no concern) so that’s good.

Basically, I’m just waiting for someone to tell me what’s wrong with me and give me directions on how to make it better. I keep pinning my hopes on appointments to give me some direction, but I just end up more upset and more confused. I just don’t know what’s going on and I really want to understand so that I can start working on feeling better. I want to feel well again.

So for now, I’m trying to think about the aspects of the behavioural traits of anorexia I need to work on. I do think about them often, but I’m struggling to let go of them and I don’t think I’m trying hard enough. However, I just want to focus on something to fix right now. I don’t know how to fix anything else, but I can see and understand what I have to do to beat these behaviours with a stick until they fuck off out of my life. Knowing what to do and actually doing are two different things though, so I’m coming up with a list to try to imprint in my mind what isn’t ok.

Here goes…

  • I can’t eat with other people – Well I probably could, but I don’t. I find it difficult when other people are eating. Firstly, I find eating kinda disgusting. Just the actual process of eating, from cutting up food to swallowing. It just makes me feel gross, even when someone else is doing it. Chewing noise as well. Plus I find it really difficult to fit other people’s eating patterns – the times they eat, the way the eat, the speed they eat, how much they talk when they eat etc. Eating with others adds a whole extra dimension of worrying, comparisons and generally feeling icky.
  • I won’t eat food other people have prepared – Which is ridiculous seeing as I will eat restaurant food sometimes. I just won’t eat the Mum’s cooking. Or my friends’ cooking. If people I actually know cook, I won’t eat it. It makes me agitated  and panicky. It’s all I can think about for hours before and after the event. Sometimes, I’ll think I’m going to do it, then about an hour before I’m supposed t, it’s all got too much and I pull out.
  • I’m still way scared of lots of foods – meat, liquid calories, pastry, butter, potatoes, pasta etc. The list is actually pretty long. I do try with some of them. I had a whole week once of eating meat once a day. Then I stop for a couple of days, and it’s gone again. It never seems to stick. I’m just really scared of eating and I hate it. It all comes down to possible weight in the end, but there are lots of different reasons for lots of things. I’m scared of watermelon because its high Gi even though calorie wise, it’s basically nil for fuck’s sake. I wish I wasn’t scared of so many things.
  • I time my food in a ridiculous way – My timings are way less strict than they used to be, but it’s still ridiculous to have eating schedules. When I’m hungry, I just don’t eat. I’d rather be hungry then eat off schedule. I hate that I’m so awful at trusting my body. I’m kinda hungry now. I won’t eat though. Doesn’t matter that I’m hungry. Which is stupid. I could definitely be hungrier though. And my sleep is terrible at the moment, and lack of sleep is supposed to make you hungrier. So who knows if I need any food? I don’t. I ignore my body all the time. I’d like to learn to trust it again.
  • I eat repetitively – Day in, day out, I eat the same foods. I eat them because I know that if I do, it won’t be too much. I’ll also feel comfortable with how healthy it is. I still worry about eating healthy so I stick to lots of grains and veggies and pulses. I eat foods in certain orders. For instance, I eat blueberries at breakfast, raspberries at lunch, strawberries at dinner and blackberries before bed. I won’t eat any other berry at breakfast, only blueberries. And I won’t eat blueberries after breakfast either, because that’s not where they belong. Even if I want blueberries. I eat a cereal bar and apple as my morning snack. Every single day since September. I’m not exaggerating here either. I don’t chose foods I want – I eat what I know I’m ok with.
  • I walk a lot –  Like a lot a lot. This needs to be cut down probably. I am trying though. Really trying. It’s not just walking though. It’s standing up on the tube. It’s running up escalators. It’s all the tiny bits of the day where I think “I’ll burn more calories if I do it this way.” And trust me, that’s a lot of my day.
  • I may not weigh myself everyday, but I take my measurements multiple times a week – Sometimes even multiple times a day. I body check really badly. Every day, about six times, I’ll try to work out how much my thighs touch. They do definitely touch, but I can stand with them touching entirely if I push my hips forward (I have very narrow hips), or I can stand with them not the more I arch my back. I can’t work out how I naturally stand so I can’t work out which is my usual. I try to catch myself off guard, but that’s kinda impossible. I do this with my belly too – try to catch myself off guard so to see my usual amount of breathing in/out, tension, posture etc. It’s weird and obsessive.
  • I overestimate everything – Portion wise, I pretty much suck. It’s best when things come in pre-packaged portions because then I know it’s the right amount. Otherwise, I play it “safe”. I know I do this. Especially with spreads. And milk. And cereal. I try not to, but end up doing it anyway.
  • Calorie counting – Seriously. I can’t not. I try not to. I really really try. Then I do. As per. Like an idiot. Gah – I fucking hate it. Which means I know I’m eating less than I’d planned to. I’m sticking to what my dietitian suggested, but that’s not even what I think is best. But add that to overestimating and basically, chances are I’m eating less than I think. Probably why I’m hungry right now.
  • Displacement activities – When I’m hungry, I drink black coffee, pints of water, herbal teas, diet cokes, eat sugar-free mints, chew sugar-free gum etc. I’ve started to keep my mouth occupied without food. I think this is partly to do with smoking too, but it isn’t good. I realised that if I have a diet coke with my meals, I get much more full, so I’ve started to do that so I won’t want to eat. Why would I not want to eat? That’s a stupid question – I know why I don’t want to eat. But it’s stupid that I do it. It’s stupid that I let that thought win.

I have got to start tackling these things. Right now, they’re kinda harmless. I’m not losing weight really, my team think I’m a healthy weight, I am eating, I am trying, but I’m not rid of everything. I’ve come a massively long way – I can use normal size cutlery now and everything (that was the last thing I attempted to conquer). It’s just the more you work at it, the more little things pop up, or old habits start to sneak back in again. It’s ok. It’s not too big of a deal right now as long as I’m aware and I try to fix it. I really hope I can fix it, I’m just lacking in motivation. Uni stress plus the fact that I’m really struggling more generally and feel bloody rubbish make it hard for me to want to do anything about these things. Right now, the plan is to stop counting calories and to eat dinner the Mum has prepared with my Mum at least twice a week. She doesn’t actually know about this so maybe telling her would be a start. Also, trying to integrate more fear foods – the ever lasting battle I swear.

I wish I felt stronger right now. I feel horrible. I hate feeling horrible. I’ve got work to do on so many fronts. I really have to start channelling my need for concrete action into conquering these lingering issues. Maybe if I can act out getting better, my mood will follow. It’s all I can do right now. Here’s hoping.

Wish me luck on this godawful exam :(

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